I yearned for a sound. Anything that could fuel the hope that had flooded through here a minute ago. Sure then we had been dreading, but at least then we had the hope that we could have at least a few more moments with Kasper.
Please, I thought, referring to his heart, Do something!
It was hopeless, but I couldn't bring myself to rise and face Eleazar and Lilya. I couldn't bear to see their faces, and to tell them of the silence that I had heard. But I knew that I owed it to them.
Slowly, I lifted my head and looked into Lilya's navy blue eyes. I remembered the first time I saw these eyes, they had intimidated me. Now, they looked weak, and delicate. I began to realize a sympathy I possessed for Lilya. I think it began that one night when she came to talk to me while Kasper and Eleazar were hunting, and over the course of a few days it grew, now reaching miles away.
I swallowed. "Lilya, he.... he's de-"
"Don't! Don't even say it! You liar! You filthy, disgusting, ungrateful liar!!" Lilya growled. She gazed down at Kasper's lifeless body and placed her hands over his chest, pressing down on it rhythmically.
"Lilya-"
"He's not dead! He's not dead!!" she screamed.
I turned to Eleazar. I expected some kind of composed reassurance, or a defense. But he just stood there, his empty emotionless eyes on Kasper.
I realized that there was nothing more for me here. I could never understand this, nor face this the way that Lilya or Eleazar could. I was done in here. All I could do now was let Lilya and Eleazar mourn as they wished.
I walked back to my room, and knew what I had to do. Kasper was a book that I had closed now. Painfully so, but it was a clear fact. Now it was time to finish the other book.
The book of my past. My past with Cruz.
***
Wednesday 6/15/10
I did the laundry. I saw Cruz. I helped Inez fill out college applications. I cooked dinner.
Thursday 6/16/10
I took Ashley and Carmen to day care. I went to the store. I saw Cruz. I cooked dinner
Friday 6/17/10
I helped Inez mail applications. I saw Cruz. I cleaned the living room and kitchen. I cooked dinner.
It went on like this for pages and pages. Entries with no emotion, nothing but an empty summary. There was no jealousy, nor angst, nor amusement, nor fear in the words. It reminded me of when I saw Eleazar's eyes after Kasper's heart failed. It was like an empty room with no purpose.
I skipped ahead to when the entries became longer, more lively. I did, and I found myself reading about April 2012.
Sunday 4/15/12
Today when Inez came home she was elated. She told us that she received a letter saying that she was accepted into New Mexico State University. I'm really happy for her.
I saw Cruz yesterday. I see him almost every day now. If I don't, it's just because Aunt Lupa has really piled on the chores that day. He's beginning to forget things, like who he just talked to or where he just was or what he did earlier. I dread the day he forgets even more.
I think that I could see now why I had held back all my emotions. Because I knew that all I could possibly feel in that time would be pain. Pain flooding through the pages poisoning any potential joy the reader could posses. It was just too much angst to release through words.
Monday 4/16/12
Today I went with Inez to look for furniture for her college dorm. She found a red leather couch that she wants, but it's eight hundred dollars. Inez has expensive taste.
Cruz's mother called. She said that Cruz has an appointment tomorrow. She said that I'm welcome to come. She knows what it means to me. I'm going of course, but Aunt Lupa has a massive to do list for me, so I'm going to finish that tonight.
Tuesday 4/17/12
I had just a couple more chores to do today. As soon as that was done, I got in the car and drove down to the hospital to meet Cruz. The doctor took a few tests, and then she called us into an office. She told us that the cancer cells are spreading rapidly, and that there's really not much more that she can do. She said that Cruz had about two months to live.
