Outcasts

I want to kill myself

Dear Levi,

If you're reading this, I'm gone.

Riley.

I decided it right after the incident with my mom. I picked myself up, forced a smile and went out with my friends.

It was a lot like the night everything had started, we were going to hunter Romero's house, I didn't come with Austen though, I drove my truck on my own. It's a nice night, party is buzzing, but as I'm walking in she's walking out.

Well that wasn't part of the plan.

She looks sad. And I want to know why but then I remember. Because I screwed up.

I watch her start running. And suddenly I don't feel like partying. Instead I decide to reminisce. So I leave.

First I go by the old by the field me and Levi had our first date. And I just sit there. Staring into the open field, wondering how I let myself screw up so bad.

"You're a big dope, you know that Larson?" Not Levi. I turn, and see Chastity Taylor's with her hands in her pocket. I nod.

She smiles at me, but it's not a happy smile. "You wanna go do something?" I ask without thinking. She gives me a funny look.

"You must have hit rock bottom to hang out with me."

Chastity.

Riley has obviously had a rough time. His eyes are baggy, face scruffy. He doesn't look alert, just tired.

"Lead the way champ," I said with a grin.

We walked down the street, without a word.

I didn't know if I wanted to break the silence. We'd both hurt Levi a lot. I was supposed to be her best friend and I'd failed her because of Travis, and Riley had broke her heart, and sadly, he couldn't see that after all that she still loved him.

But I'd spent three years with Levi, sleepovers, sneaking out, crushes, I knew she loved him.

"How've you been?" He asked me quietly. I shrugged, what am I supposed to say?

"Lonely I guess, without everyone," I chuckled, my once bleach blonde hair had mellowed into a a caramel color and was no longer shoulder length and choppy, but long and luscious. I still had my nose ring. But I guess is done some growing up.

Riley was nodding, "yeah I know the feeling. They're letting me back in, but I dunno, they kinda merged. Levi is friends with everyone now, and Jess already was, so I guess-"

"You guys are the outcasts and the in crowd," I chuckled. He nodded.

"Levi is in, I'm out."

We walked into a diner, and slid into a booth.

We ordered, letting the silence sit between us.

"She hates me doesn't she?"

I chuckled darkly, "no, and that's what's eating her up. She loves you, but you hurt her and she wishes she didn't love you."

Riley freezes, and stares at me. "So, her loving me is hurting her?"

I nod. I can see him flinch.

"I don't understand her. How can she love me? I'm horrible."

I scoff and his eyes dart to meet mine. "Don't pity yourself. You made a dumb mistake, like I did. The only difference is it's one she's been watching her whole life."

His expression didn't change so he must've known. Everyone knew about her dad.

"She's scared she will end up like her mom. She's trying hard not to. Although I think until you showed up she was going to. All we did was get high and lounge about. When she started being with you she just sorta, lit up."

"You're kidding right? All I ever did-"

"Was tell her she was pretty, show her affection, teach her how to love, yeah I know."

He glared at me.

"But you then broke her trust, and she's not easily won over as you've learned. So instead she's letting herself hurt."

"Things would be better if I were gone."

"Yup," I popped the p and he grimaced at me. "She could pretend you didn't exist even though it would be eating her alive. No biggie."

"Chastity."

"Hmm?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"I want to kill myself," he whispered.

I shrugged. "Then do it."

He looked perplexed, like that wasn't what he was expecting.

"The way I see it, if you wanted to die you'd do it, and you wouldn't have any trouble. If you go to do it and you can't, you have something to live for and should stop being a bitch and man up. If you don't want to die, you'll be fighting it subconsciously. If you do, you will."

And with that our food arrived and I choked down.