When It's Time

Chapter Ten

A/N: warning for mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide. Please do not read if you are sensitive to such topics. Also, I wrote this ages ago but came up with an alternative chapter a couple weeks back and will publish it after this one. Tell me what you think.

"Fuck you Mell! I was in first place!" He threw his controller down in frustration.

"I play Rainbow road for a reason, Heere. Or should I say, Jeremy there goes your cart off the side of a cliff." The hoodie-clad teen snickered.

"Oh please, spear me the awful puns."

"pfft, as long as I know I'm hilarious, that's all that matters. Oh, and would you look at that? I won."

Jeremy flipped his boyfriend off and pulled his cardigan tighter around his body. Winter had descended and It was starting to get chilly, leaves had long since fallen off most trees and Jeremy already had his Christmas playlist ready. Despite the fact he was Jewish, Jeremy had celebrated Christmas with Michael every year for what felt like forever and never failed to get super excited about the holiday. It all started in second grade when Jeremy had invited Michael to celebrate Hanukkah with his family and Michael had re-paid the favour by inviting Jeremy to his house for Christmas. They loved experiencing each others cultures and their enthusiasm hadn't weaned at all over the years.

"Mikey, I'm cold. Can I borrow your hoodie?" The boys often wore each other's clothes but Jeremy had never actually borrowed a hoodie Michael was wearing at the time before. The Filipino was occupied with choosing the next level (a luxury the winner was always permitted) so he shrugged and took his outer layer off. He handed it to Jeremy but in doing so exposed the under-side of his forearm. Both boys froze, staring at the scars that littered his skin. Some were fresh or concealed with band-aids, some were scabbing or a deep purple in colour, some were older and had healed leaving white lines criss crossing the once perfect skin.

Jeremy's eyes were wide as he whispered to himself, "Holy shit."

Michael jerked his arm away, still holding his hoodie and turned to face the opposite direction, fumbling to cover up his arms. Jeremy reached out to touch his boyfriends shoulder, trying to ignore the lump that had formed in his throat. Michael flinched.

"Michael," he flinched again, pulling his shoulder away angrily, "Michael," he struggled to put his hoodie back on, "Michael, just listen to me okay? You gotta breathe wi-"

"Stop touching me!"

Deadly silence. Michael hung his head before turning to fall into the smaller boys' embrace, "I'm so sorry Jeremy. I'm so sorry."

"Wh-when did you start again?" Nothing, "When was it?" He already knew the answer but wanted so badly for it to be anything else. Anything.

"Halloween."

Jeremy let out a high-pitched whimper as the tears began to pour, he stood up and wiped his eyes in frustration before pacing, "Holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit what the fuck have I done?"

He sat down on the ground. Michael edged over to him, running a hand through the brunet's curly hair, "Miah? Look It's okay, I'm here."

"I'm such a fucking dick head."

"Yeah, but you're a dick head who I love very dearly and I don't want to see you do anything stupid. I forgive you."

"But I don't forgive me."

"Now you really are being a pain in the arse. Look, you were physically and psychologically abused for months, sexually harassed and drun-"

"What else did you do Michael? Huh! That night, what else did you try to do?"

"I-I don't know what you're, what you're talking about."

"Don't fucking lie to me!"

Michael let go of Jeremy and adopted a cross legged position on the floor, "Fine! You want the truth then fine! I just felt so lonely alright! So lonely, you'd given me up, thrown me away after twelve fucking years. Do you know what that's like? Jeremy, you are everything to me, everything and you were gone. I'd relapsed and had a panic attack in class the day before. Our shared class and you weren't there to help. I felt so awful after that night, so I drove home, found some rope and tied the noose to the goddam ceiling fan. Then I thought about all those times I told you the fan looked like a fidget spinner and the moment passed and I was just a pathetic piece of shit. I couldn't do it so I cut instead and It hurt so much but I just needed it. Then you came back and I tried to stop. I tried so hard but I just...I just couldn't. I can't."

Jeremy took a deep breath, trying to comprehend how two people could be so utterly broken.

YOU KNOW IT'S YOUR FAULT, RIGHT?

He ignored the voice for once, Michael needed him, "Look, Mikey, we're going to get through this okay? Just like last time I'm gonna help you get through this. I'll have to check your arms every so often but eventually things will start to be okay again, maybe even good but we have to trust each other alright?" Michael nodded, looking at the floor, "And thank you for telling me the truth. I love you."

A smile played on his lips and Jeremy took Michael's hand, turning his arm over to kiss the scars. It was sweet but soft, as if he was afraid Michael would shatter if he pressed too hard. It was something they did as kids, kiss each-others wounds better.

Michael spoke up, "You realise that doesn't actua-"

"Shut it Mell." Jeremy placed one last kiss on his boyfriend's lips before curling into his arms, Michael running his fingers through Jeremy's curls. They sat like that for a long time. Neither of them whole, neither of them happy but together. Just like they always promised.