When It's Time

Chapter Fourteen

Warning: mention of self-harm.

Jeremy stood anxiously outside his boyfriend's door, shuffling his feet a little before taking a deep breath and turning the knob, "Michael," he called softly, "It's me. Can I come in?"

Peering through the crack between the door and the wall, Jeremy could see a pile of blankets on the bed. He had hoped to find Michael watching a movie or playing guitar but he was just sitting in his room with the lights off. It was always worse when he got left alone with his thoughts.

Taking the silence as an invitation to enter, Jeremy parted the door further and slipped into the room gradually, closing the door quietly. He edged towards the bed, "Can I touch?" A nod came in response so he got under the covers and wrapped his arms around Michael's torso and his legs either side of the others body.

Michael wasn't crying. He was just sitting, staring at his wall. They sat still for some time, Jeremy pulling their bodies closer together and smiling when he saw Michael had been hugging Jeremy's own Star Wars shirt that he had bought him for his birthday. It must smell like him.

"Mikey, I need to check your arms." He held his arms out obediently so Jeremy could roll the sleeves up. No fresh cuts. Thank god.

Jeremy nuzzled into the crook of his boyfriend's neck. Feeling him breathe, how alive he was. Breathing onto his skin and leaving a trail of featherlight kisses. Michael melted into the touch the way he normally did when he was feeling vulnerable. Eventually he relaxed and Jeremy was able to ease them both into a lying position; Michael flat on his back and Jeremy intertwining their legs, holding his boyfriend with his left arm.

"What's the matter?" he asked softly.

"It's stupid."

"What's the matter?"

"Don't worry about it, it's nothing."

"Michael, how thick do you think I am? I can see that you're upset which means it's my responsibility to worry. We're in this together okay? So, we can either do this the easy way or wade through all the bullshit it's up to you."

Michael sniffled and pushed his thick rimmed glasses up, "I don't know it's just that I keep wondering why you put up with me. Like, why do you even want to date me? You could do so much better. I'm so needy and I wear super geeky clothes and, and I have stretch marks and scars on my arms. And I'm fat and super high maintenance because I do shit like this to you, wasting your time when you're perfect and I'm just a freaking loser!"

Loser. There the word was again. The past seemed to be haunting them long after they had agreed to forget it. The words cut into Jeremy like a blade and he inhaled sharply, "don't you fucking dare call yourself a loser ever again Michael. You got that? Because you are just so far from it. If anyone's the loser it's me. Do you know what Rich said to me after we told everyone we got together? Well, I don't remember all of it but he said something like," He imitated Rich's low rough voice and lisp, "'don't you dare fuck with him, if you hurt him in any way I'll make sure you pay for it. There isn't a single person who would come back to you after what you did to him so don't mess up your second chance.' That's what he said and he was exactly right. I did nothing to deserve you Michael but if I can make it up to you in any way I will do everything within my power to do so. I don't give a fuck about your geeky clothes because I have a collection too and everything you wear is adorable. You will never ever waste my time or be too needy because I need you just as much. The scars on your arms show how hard you've fought and brave you been. You've come so far Michael, we've both come so far. And you are most definitely not fat. You are beautiful and it honestly hurts me so much that you can't see that yourself. You're a little chubby but honestly that just makes you more attractive. C'mon Mikey, you know how much I love your body."

A flicker of a smile crossed Michael's face before he spoke, "I'm just scared that one day you're going to turn around and realise you don't like how I look."

"Oh, Michael. Shit, look I know how I feel about you and one thing that I know for certain is that I love absolutely everything about you. You're hilariously funny, you make me feel happy and comfortable and you like me for who I am. You care so much and are so smart and talented and passionate about music. You're never afraid to be yourself and I think your smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. When you're happy or I make you laugh it just makes me feel like the luckiest person ever. You're always there and you never back out on me or fail me when I need you. It's just so, urgh, I could go on about you for hours, like that look you get on your face when we're playing through a difficult level and you sort of crinkle your eyebrows and squint a little or how you jump around when you get excited I just love it, I love it all. If there's one thing I want in my future, it's you Michael. I want you so badly."

"Sap," Michael giggled, snuggling into his boyfriend's chest, "but don't stop please."

Jeremy grinned, he was always happy to talk about his favourite topic, "okay, well you know how I always wake up before you? I always sort of run my fingers through your hair like this, and sometimes you'll murmur my name while you sleep and it just makes me wanna scream because it's just so freaking adorable. Also, you always smell really good. Have you noticed that? Like I don't know what product you put in your hair but I would smoke that shit. I love it when my things smell like you though, sort of a mellow vanilla mixed with passionfruit. You have the prettiest eyes as well, I know you think they're boring or whatever but they're super warm and deep and sparkly. It's great when you talk about things you like because you get all hyped and super energetic. And I also just really like watching you talking to people. I don't know, it's kinda weird because I just stare at you but honestly it's not my fault you're so hot fuck I'm so in love with you."

Michael beamed, kissing Jeremy on the lips, "I love you Jeremy. Thank you. I feel a lot better now."

"Hey, no problem. Just doing my job. And look, Michael If you ever feel down please, please, please give me a call. I want to be there for you. This won't work otherwise. And plus, Rich will kick my ass if I'm not."

Michael sighed, "You know I can't promise that."

"I know. But I still want you to know you can come to me. You don't have to fight this alone."

Michael smiled sadly, "Yeah I know. Hopefully we'll both believe it one day though."

Jeremy frowned slightly. He was sure he'd forgotten something, "Oh yeah! And if you every wanna lose weight you know I'll 100% support you right? Like, I love your body just the way it is and think you're at a really healthy weight but I want you to feel comfortable and happy."

The other boy beamed, hugging his boyfriend, "Really?"

"Yeah, of course." The smaller boy chuckled.

"Thanks Jer." Michael loosened his grip and softening his voice, "Are you busy? Like, can you stay here and cuddle?"

Jeremysmiled and kissed his boyfriend's forehead, "Of course I can stay."