When It's Time

Alternative Chapter Ten

Warning for blood, self-harm and mention of suicide.

Things should be good. For Michael. Everything should be fine. He had friends, an amazing boyfriend, the SQUIP was gone along with the crazy sci-fi world they had been living in during previous months and everything was back to normal. Everything should be fine. But that was exactly the problem. It was all just theoretical.

He was still a loser. In truth, he wouldn't want it any other way. He was perfectly content toiling away and going unnoticed. Most of the school had tried talking to him after the play but they soon left when they realised he was just the same dorky guy he was before.

Jeremy hadn't left though. He'd apologised and shown Michael the scars on his back from all the electric shocks. Michael thought they were beautiful, like tree branches. He thought Jeremy was beautiful.

He hated himself for it too. Jeremy had torn him up and left him in the dust with the fractured glass of their old friendship. The one that took twelve years to build. The thing that made Michael sick was that after all this, Jeremy had gotten what he wanted. Friends. Popularity. And after all this, Michael still came crawling back. Why? Because Jeremy had been the only person in the world who he had trusted enough to love. Yes, even loners needed someone sometimes, and Michael had wanted Jeremy since seventh grade.

Which is why he cut. He deserved the punishment. He was weak and he deserved the sneers he got at school. The distorted whispers that would filter back to him about the resident stoner and suspected cutter.

He sat in the basement bathroom, watching the blood drip onto the floor. A scarlet river seeping out of his skin and cascading onto the white tiles below. It used to bring him so much satisfaction; like he was finally living up to something people expected him to be, like he was slotting the last piece into a puzzle. Now he was just empty. Empty and hurting. From the cuts? He couldn't tell.

One for being a loser.

Another for being a faggot.

A third for being so goddam fat and ugly.

A fourth for being virtually invisible.

A fifth for being so pathetic.

And a sixth for loving Jeremy so much.

He stopped counting after that and eventually he just sat and watched the blood trickle down his arm, barely registering the sting. He drew crimson patterns on the floor. All he had to do was rub a bath. Run a bath and slice the other way.

He shook his head. Today was a bad day and he knew it. He could never afford to make decisions on bad days.

He sighed, grabbing the blade again and lowering it to his skin slowly. The door creaked behind him.

"M-Michael?"

He turned quickly to face the boy standing in the doorway. Jeremy's locks were falling into his wide eyes. He looked terrified.

Michael didn't know how to feel so all the emotions seemed to come at once; fear, anger, and shock, mingled with relief. He opened his mouth having little idea what he was going to say. Probably something about knocking or texting.

Jeremy got there first, "No, don't say anything just...just let me get you cleaned up." He shuffled awkwardly for a second before kneeling down and wrapping his arms around Michael, not caring that his clothes were getting drenched in the others blood, "It's okay," he whispered, "I'm here now and it's all going to be okay. I love you."

Michael relaxed at these words, Jeremy still wanted him. He wasn't going to leave because of this. He watched as the smaller boy grabbed the med-pack from the closet. Jeremy worked at speed. washing and disinfecting the cuts. Bandaging them.

"Can you stand up for me Michael?" Said boy nodded. He felt dizzy but he needed to do what his boyfriend asked. Jeremy wiped the pool of blood off the floor as well as Michael's legs from where he had been sitting in it. He handed him a fresh sweater and pair of boxers, closing the door to let him get changed before stripping off his own jeans and shirt, replacing it with one of Michael's. He'd need to soak their clothes immediately.

Eventually, he got Michael into bed. He would ask about the cutting later, now was not the time, they both needed to rest. He smiled as Michael snuggled into his chest, "I'm sorry."

The smile faded, "Shh, It's alright Micha, you don't have anything to be sorry for." He intertwined their legs and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, "I've got you now and we'll get through this together," he wasn't sure if he was reassuring himself or Michael at this point. He just felt hopelessly lost, thrown into a raging sea of doubt. The one thing he had been certain about it the world was Michael and he had failed him, "I just wish you'd told me you were struggling." His voice cracked, "I wish you didn't feel like this and I wish you knew how amazing you are. I love you Michael."

Michael sniffled, gripping onto Jeremy like his life depended on it, "I love you too," his voice was small, barely even audible really, "I love you so much."