Fading Scars

Chapter 5

Emmie

I wake to the light peering through the window. My head hurts and I feel something heavy on my stomach. I move my hand to the heaviness on my stomach and my fingers brush through some soft hair. I open my eyes to see Damon asleep on me. I look around the room and I'm in hospital, what the hell happened? "Damon," I whisper. He looks peaceful but this unknowing doesn't sit well with me.
He peers up at me and those pearl blue eyes make me calm. I smile back at him, he is so beautiful and he is mine. "Oh baby, you're awake. How are you feeling?" He sits up and sits on the bed facing me. I sit up too but I feel stiff.
I have no idea what happened yesterday, that's if it even was yesterday. "I'm confused. What happened?" My memory is playing tricks on me. I remember seeing Blake and feeling jealous, but why was I jealous?
"What was the last thing you remember?" I think long and hard about what happened. The door opens to my room and I look up to see Blake. The blurry memory of him flirting with a girl comes to my mind.
"I remember this idiot flirting with this girl and he forced me to be there yet he ignored me. I don't remember what happened after that." Did I flip out and punch the girl or even Blake? How did I get home? Or here even. So many questions but I'm not sure I want to know the answer.
"Emmie I'm sorry." Blake looks sad, I hear the pain in his voice. I try to remain annoyed but I feel his pain. I want to take away his pain. People make me weak, I wish I was stronger.
"You rang me in tears. You were slurring your words. You said someone touch you. I jumped in the car to get you." That kind of makes sense, I would run to Damon for help. Someone touched me and I can't remember?
"Someone touched me? I rang you?" I don't remember and it's stressing me out. How much did he touch me? Where was Blake? Damon's warm hands envelop around mine. He brings me comfort in my time of need.
"Yeah, you were drugged. It's called the date rape drug. I found you just in time. He said you were very stubborn. You were fighting it." I laugh a nervous laugh that almost comes out as a sob. That sounds like me, I am stubborn.
"What no? I would remember that. Where is he?" I'm sure I know where he is, six feet under but I have to know for sure.
"That's what this drug does baby they make you forget. So they don't get caught. What do I keep telling you about letting guys buy you drinks? Don't worry baby, I had Sully kill him." I thought so, Sully killed him? He was there? I bet they were both angry.
"Trust me, I'm not drinking again. I'd like to speak to Blake alone. Please," I look at Damon with my puppy eyes. He looks suspicious but he doesn't say anything. He kisses me on the lips and walks out the room.
I climb out of bed remembering where my feet are. I am fully dressed, that's good. Blake moves closer to me. I cross my arms to protect myself as I glare at Blake. "Emmie, I'm sorry." Is that all he can say?
"What was your big plan huh? I remember you buying me a load of drinks and then you flirt with a random girl in front of me. You refused to let me leave. What were you playing at?" I am almost shouting.
"I'm sorry Emmie." If he says that again I may scream. I don't want his pity, I want him to be truthful with me. Deep down I know why he did this but I want to hear it from his mouth.
"No, I don't want your apologies, I want answers. You played on my guilt and you made me feel like crap." It's not hard to make me feel like crap but I want him to know that he hurt me.
"Emmie I'm sorry. That's not what I wanted," his posture goes from hurt to awkward. Okay, maybe we are getting somewhere.
"So what did you want?" This is too deep, I've only just woken. He looks into my eyes and blushes.
"I..." I shove him hard. I am angry, why won't he tell me? He steps back to stop him falling over. He steps back towards me again but he won't look at me.
"Blake just fucking tell me." I try and soften my look to get him to tell me. I am growing impatient now.
"I wanted to make you jealous." I already knew that, it feels like he has given me a dark confession but it is nothing new.
"Why?"
"I love you, Emmie. I always have," I suspected this because I can read people well, I just don't understand.
"But you're so mean to me." Is this the way he expresses emotions? I can't imagine he was like this with Alex, what girl would stay around for that?
"That's just the relationship we have. I like what we have. You are so strong and stubborn. Total badass and I love it." Okay, I can kind of forgive him for his behaviour. He thinks I am strong and I can handle it.
"So yesterday? You planned to get me drunk and make your move? Make me jealous and get me to fall for you?" To be truthful I have fallen for him but I would never act on it. I would never be Alex.
"Something like that," he shrugs and his hands come to meet my face. He strokes my cheek with his thumbs. I close my eyes to block out the touch. I stop breathing, this is painful. It's all the same, I may love them but the touch is too much. Tears trickle out of my eyes. His lips find mine and for a split second I instinctively go to kiss him back but this isn't right.
My hands push on his chest but it does no good. I trust Blake not to hurt me but this is unbearable. The torture stops when his lips finally withdraw. I prize my eyes open to see Blake pleased with himself. I'm angry again, how dare he? "Have you quite finished?"
He looks confused. "Yeah, I guess, unless you want more?" More? Is he crazy? I'd rather cut off my own fingers.
I stand my ground and punch him as hard as I can in the face. He falls backwards and holds his face. "Ow. Jeez, Emmie."
"That was for kissing me." He stands up straight again to look at me and then I punch him again. "And that was for yesterday."
The door opens as I make my way back into bed again. "What the hell happened?" Damon says. He makes his way over to me to assess me and see that I am just fine. Once he is satisfied that I am indeed okay he goes to see his brother.
"Jesus. Who needs men to protect people. They just need Emmie," Blake growls in disgust. I lay in bed and face away from them. My anger evaporates as time passes.
"Dude your stitches. What did he do this time?" He made me ruin my handiwork. I did a good job on those stitches. I rub my sore hand.
"He kissed me," I mutter still not looking at them.
"You did what?" Damon growls. I hear something hit the wall. I sit up hoping to see Damon hit him but instead Blake puts his hands up in defeat as Damon pins him against the wall.
"No need to hurt me. Your wife already did that," Damon releases him and walks away from him. Damn, that was disappointing.
"I'll go find the doc. Do you think you can keep your hands off her this time?" Damon is by my side. He picks up my sore hand and kisses it.
"Yeah okay. I've got the message," Blake huffs. Damon seems to be ignoring him keeping his eyes on me and his lips on my hand. How does he do this? He makes everything melt inside me. His touch is gone and he walks out the room.
I keep my back to Blake as I lay watching the door. " I love you, Emmie." His voice is softer now not the sulking tone.
"I heard you the first time moron. I'm not deaf." What does he want me to say? Even if I do admit that I love him, it will change nothing.
"So you don't feel anything?" He moves into my vision and sits on the chair in front of me. Pleading for an answer.
"I love you too Blake but this isn't about love." Well, it is, oh god damn it. This is so complicated. Why can't I just love Damon and only Damon? I get too close to people, my heart isn't big enough for all these people.
I look at Blake's face and blood is seaping from his wound again. Why did I punch him? I always feel awful after. I reach up to his face and his hand covers mine when I reach his cheek. "Of course it is. I love you and you love me." I withdraw my hand, I give him too many mixed signals. This is my fault.
"I love Damon." I don't need to explain this because he already knows how I feel. Just sometimes he doesn't listen.
"So? You can love more than one person at a time." Where have I heard this quote before? He is right you can but that doesn't mean it's right.
"Not without getting hurt." I hurt people it's what I do. I wish I didn't, I hurt them, their feelings hurt me. It's never-ending.
"I can't get you out of my head." That is a sweet thing to say. His hands cup my face again. I can't be what he wants me to be.
"I'm not being Alex. I won't. I can't handle people touching me." I can handle touching him but his hands on my face are beyond what words can describe. I try to hide it to spare his feelings.
"We can take it slow. You're worth waiting for." He is clutching at straws, he really wants this. Was he like this with Alex?
"You don't get it, Blake, I will never be ready. The only hands I can accept... The only hands that comfort me are Damon's. It's not about love, it's who I need. Who protects me. Who makes me feel safe. I can't put a price on my love for Damon."
Words aren't deep enough for how I feel about Damon. He is my one and only, without him I am nothing. Just an empty shell. That's no life for anyone, not even my worst enemy. "We could have that. You just need to trust me. Take a chance on me." He grabs my hand and puts it on his thumping heart and I gasp. My heart has never beat that hard before.
Do I need to hurt him to get him to back off? "It's not about trust, I do trust you. Which is why I get into trouble when I'm with you. From the day I met Damon, he could touch me. No one has made me feel like that. I'm sorry Blake," his hand fall from my face and I sigh with relief.
He takes a minute to process and then he sits back in his chair, releasing my hand on his heart. "Okay, I get it but you can't blame me for trying?"
"I don't blame you for anything." I give him mixed signals like I give Sully mixed signals. It's just my way of keeping them close. It's cruel and it's not fair. I'm still in discussion with Stefan about it.
"You guys seem to fight like cats and dogs," Lucas says as he walks in. Blake stands and points at his wound.
"Yeah because he's a moron," Blake grins at me. After everything, he still has room for a smile, just for me.
"Alright fatty. I get the hint. Now move over." I roll my eyes and move further back so he can sit on the edge of the bed. He pats my leg and I tense. Lucas starts his stitches. Damon enters the room and smiles that oh-so-sexy-smile that makes me melt.
"The kids will be happy to see you." I will be happy to see them too. I hate to be apart from them.
"How are they?" Damon shrugs, he is showing his childish I've been caught-out look. What did he do?
"Yeah, they're good. Just worried about you." He should know me, I can see and feel what he is feeling.
"What aren't you telling me, Damon?" Blake shoves me with his hand. I glare at the back of his head.
Damon holds his hands up in front of him. "Okay, Lils isn't too happy." Lilly? What's wrong with my little girl? "I grounded her."
"What did you do that for? She's never bad. She always tries to please you." Ever since she was younger, I don't know if I hadn't been taken that she would feel that way but we deal with what life throws at us. I'm glad she has Damon.
"Well, I caught Jason fucking Rivers in bed asleep with her last night." Blake laughs and I slap him. This is not funny. What was Lilly thinking? She knows boys aren't allowed in her room.
     "What? Did they..?" If I know Lilly then nothing happened but the way Damon is reacting it's like he caught them in the act.
"No, I don't think so. They were fully clothed but he had his arm around her and she was cuddled into his chest. She says they are just friends." Damon trails off like he is trying to convince himself.
"Sounds like you overreacted again Damon." This is nothing new, he always overreacts but I love all of him so I can live with it.
"Oh no I didn't, no one is allowed to touch my baby girl. He's lucky I didn't break his legs." I'm surprised he didn't.
"You need to apologise to her Damon. She's growing up, you can't baby her forever."
"No, she allowed it happen. She let him into her room. She needs to take responsibility." If he wasn't so protective and trusted my daughter he would see no issue.
"Damon Rider! You will apologise to our daughter and then you will apologise to Jason." Blake laughs again but this time he is scolded with Damon's killer stare.
"I will do no such thing." God, I think Damon is more of a child than my children sometimes. He needs to grow up.
"Right I'm finished. Emmie don't hurt him again, will you? Makes my life harder." I think Lucas is trying to subtly stop our arguing. "And Damon? Count yourself lucky. My kids are already at the boy faze. They are all over the boys. I have trouble reining them in."
"Thanks, Lucas." See Lucas is on my side. Lilly is an angel compared to some kids her age. I don't know why she is an angel, she always has been.
Once Lucas has left the room silence fills the room. I look at Damon and he seems to be battling with his thoughts. He looks at me and I raise my eyebrow and he sighs. "Fine, I will say sorry."
"I know she's your baby but you need to let her grow." I understand his insecurities, I will kill anyone that hurts her but she needs to make her own mistakes to learn from them, she needs to be a normal teenager.
"She can grow with some other boy. Not Brody's fucking son. I will be having words with him." I agree with him, but he should know of all people you can't choose who you fall in love with.
      "You are impossible. Can we go home now?" I'm tired of arguing. Blake jumps off the bed and I slide off the bed slowly. Blake goes to pick me up but I back away. He looks at me with a playful look as if he has accepted the challenge.
Damon walks towards me and grabs my hand. He leads me into the hallway with Blake walking in front of us. He leans down into my ear and says, "What was that about?"
"I'll tell you later." I shrug him off and we walk hand in hand to the car. I feel a flush of disappointment when it's Damon's car and not Sully's. We get in the car and I curl up on the seat and once on the move Damon place his hand on my leg and I fall asleep.
"Wake up fatty." I groan as Blake's breath skims past my ear from the back. Too close, Moron. Damon opens my door and leans in to pick me up. I cuddle up into his neck as he carries me to the house.
"Please put me down," I say as we reach the door, he frowns but does as I ask. I don't want to worry my kids. Damon unlocks the door and we walk in. Lilly runs towards me and hugs me.
I hug her tightly, she was worried. I don't like to worry her. "Omg Mom. I'm so glad you are okay." I will always come back to you.
"I'm okay baby girl. I love you, baby. Are you okay?" I release her to see her face, She seems distracted for some reason. Is it being grounded? Or Jason?
"Yeah, I guess," she says looking at the ground. I stroke her face and she seems awkward, what has hurt my baby?
"What's wrong?" Will she tell me? Of course, she will, she always confides in me. The question is will she confide while Damon is here?
"Can I talk to you later?" Does she have to ask? I will always be there for her. She knows that but as I suspected she won't speak in front of Damon.
I push the strand of hair that's over her face behind her ear and smile, "Sure baby. I'm going to see the twins and then I will come find you okay?" I remove my hand from her face and she smiles.
"Thanks, Mom." Typical Damon needing a written invitation to apologise. I elbow him in the ribs.
"Ow." He holds his ribs as he composes himself, "Princess. I wanted to say I'm sorry for shouting at you. I just can't handle the thought of someone hurting you."
"It's okay. I was just really upset last night about Mom and Jay is my best friend." She was upset and I wasn't here? What a jerk.
"I love you, princess," Damon says and hugs Lilly. I smile at them and go find the twins. I walk up to CJ's room first mainly because it's closer. I knock and his soft voice grants permission. He is so much like his Dad it's unreal.
I walk into the room and he is deep in gaming. He removes his headphones and looks to me. He sighs with relief and walks over to me and hugs me. His hugs are protective like Damon's. "Mom. When did you get back?"
I release him, "Just now sweetheart. How are you?" he glares at me another thing he must have learned from Damon.
"How am I? What when someone nearly raped you? Seriously Mom?" I don't like my kids subjected to this cruel world. He shouldn't be able to talk about it so freely. A lump forms in my throat.
"Baby I'm fine," surprisingly keeping my voice steady trying to reassure him. I'm not in a hole, I will stay sane as long as I have my kids. I will hide my pain from them, I haven't had time to process what's happened yet.
"I'm so glad Dad had Uncle Sully put a bullet in his head because I would have done it myself." I am shocked at what came out of his mouth. Just because Damon has been training the twins does not mean that I will let them actually kill someone.
"Caleb-James Rider! You will be doing no such thing."
"If someone hurts my Mom they won't get away with it," he is angry and that's a healthy response but this is not happening.
"I'm a big girl CJ. I can take care of myself," quiet literally big.
He scoffs like he doesn't believe me. I know I haven't been able to defend myself before but I'm stronger now. "Obviously not but I'm glad you are okay Mom." I run my fingers through his hair and I smile, he pushes my hands away like a typical teenager. "I'm going to play COD now."
My son gets weirder and weirder. Unless all kids are weird. "You're going to play with fish?" I say confused.
Caleb chuckles, "No Mom. It's Call of Duty. It's an Xbox game." I think I am out of the loop with this sort of stuff. I guess Damon must have bought it for him.
"Of course it is." I roll my eyes. Caleb sits back on his bed and goes back to his game. I watch him for a minute thinking how lucky I really am. I close the door behind me and go to Tommy's room. Now he is a lot like his Dad.
I knock on his door I hear him playing his guitar. He yells to come in and the minute I open the door I get the whiff of his room. Damn, it smells in here. "Thomas look at the state of your room." He has his guitar strap around his shoulders and he stops playing and crosses his arms. "God, I know I'm in trouble when you say, Thomas." That is so true, but sometimes his attitude stinks. Just like his room.
"Enough of your attitude," I say sternly, even this I would miss. This is normal, this is a happy life. My family.
He smiles, "I'm glad you are okay." I don't normally get a lot of words from Tommy so this is a rarity.
"Thanks, Tommy. How are you?" He shrugs, I guess same old with him. He doesn't show a lot of emotions. There was a lot of anger growing up but he has mellowed slightly.
"I'm fine Mom."
"Good. Well, I'd better find your Sister."
"Okay." He goes back to playing his guitar. He is really good at it, I've always wanted to learn how to play an instrument but shit kept getting in the way.
"And Tommy?"
"Yeah?" He stops playing and looks up at me.
"Tidy your damn room." I walk out the room before he can argue with me. I hear him groan in frustration.
"God, she's so annoying." I smile to myself, yes maybe but at least you have your Mom, one that loves you unconditionally and one that will protect you at all costs. I will put my kids before myself.
"I heard that!" I say before I close the door. Attitude, I'm not sure if he gets that from Damon or Liam. Maybe both.
I go to head for Lilly's room but I end up passing Sully's. I pause in front of his door contemplating whether to go in or not. I grab the handle and open, I don't bother knocking. He is laying on his bed watching TV. He looks up and frowns. I walk over to his bed and I crawl towards him and he pulls me towards his chest. We look at each other for awhile and then he sighs, "Don't do that again," he mutters. This is wrong but feels so natural at the same time to be this close to my best friend.
I rest my head in his neck, smelling his scent. We both care for each other, I don't know what I'd do if Sully was hurt. This scares me more than anything, losing him, losing Damon, losing my kids. Am I so fucked up like this because of my upbringing or is this who I am? I can't seem to move, I feel safe here. I don't want to move. What am I doing? "You killed him?"
"Of course, I did. For you, seeing you on the floor like that. It broke me, I'm so glad you had the sense to call Damon," I cringe.
"You shouldn't kill for me. It's wrong, my debt to you just adds up. I don't give you anything in return."
"Emmie, you are my best friend, I don't do things to get things in return. I do it because I love you." I shift my weight so I'm sat astride him. I look down at him and he blushes. I smile as I pull his top higher to his armpits. I bite my lip when I focus on his abs. I want to trace every inch with my fingers but I shake my head. What am I thinking? Biting harder into my bottom lip I lean further forward and I trace my finger on his scar on his chest when he was shot. "You would die for me, like I would for you."
"Yes but that's because I'm fucked up. I die for a lot of people that I love. I wouldn't even need to think about it. I'd die for you or Damon in a heartbeat but that doesn't make my feelings excusable." My cold hand splays out on his warm chest placed over his scar. Sully puts his hand over mine and I look into his eyes.
"You aren't fucked up, Emmie, don't say that. I would hesitate to take a bullet for you again." I shake my head.
"Don't say that, I couldn't lose you." My hand moves as his chest goes up and down as he breathes.
"That's precisely why I wouldn't hesitate because I couldn't lose you either." I couldn't lose Damon either I just know I shouldn't feel this way about Sully. If Damon walked in right now, I would have something to feel guilty for being on top of Sully like this but to me it's natural. It's not like I'm kissing him or anything else.
"Still doesn't make it right," I shift my weight so I'm laying on top of him rather than sitting on him.
"Nothing about us is right and I wouldn't have it any other way." we are inches away from each others faces. I stroke his bottom lip with my thumb and he groans followed by a blush. I grin, his lip is so soft. I wonder what it would taste like. Stop it, you love Damon.
"I need to go and find Lilly."
"She was devasted yesterday, she doesn't let me comfort her like you guys can. It was luck Jason was there but I don't know the look in his eye is rather familiar when he looks at her, I don't like it." I remove my thumb and I giggle.
"Don't tell me you're being over protective too." I tease.
"Hey, she is my god daughter, you know."
"Yes, I know, I picked wisely." I wink at him and I slide off the bed. I walk to the door and I glance at Sully. He's watching me like I'm his most valued treasure. It should make me uncomfortable but it doesn't it makes me feel a million dollars. I grin at him and he raises his eyebrow and his eyes follow me out of the room.
I close the door and I shut my eyes to regain my control. What was that in there? He's not Damon so why am I letting him deeper inside me? Damon already took my wall down but how is Sully looking into my soul? Is it me that's letting me? Are there new, fresh feelings towards Sully? I sigh knowing I would never act on them as it's Damon all the way for me.
I walk towards Lilly's bedroom, I need to focus on my daughter rather than trying to figure out my fucked up thoughts. I knock on the door and wait for her to grant me access.