Fading Scars

Chapter 6

Lilly-May

I sit on my bed listening to music that's playing softly in the background waiting for mom to come in. What do I say? It's always easy to talk to Mom when she's in front of me. I find it hard to open up to people. I guess I like to keep things locked up inside but I trust her and she always has great advice.
I hear a knock at the door and Mom's head peers around the door and she gives me a warming smile, just for me. She strides over and sits next to me. I face her and cross my legs trying to get comfortable and she does the same. If I didn't know she was drugged and almost raped, I wouldn't have guessed by looking at her. She hides her pain from us and she looks at me with nothing but love and admiration.
"What did you want to speak to me about, Sweetheart?" Everything and anything, if you'll listen. How long have you got?
"How do you do it?" She makes life look easy, I want to be just like her. She's my role model, even if she has had a bad past. There are times when I hate that she won't get better for us but at the same time a bigger part I love her despite that. She makes her pain look easy, rarely would I see the pain in her eyes.
"Do what, Sweetheart?" She looks confused. I guess I could be talking about anything right now.
"Have all guys chase you?" She seems to curl her face up like she's slightly repulsed by my words and then she takes a deep breath. I look at her and although she's ageing every day she's so beautiful. She's the spitting image of an angel, every feature of her face is perfect.
"I honestly don't do anything baby. Why do you ask?" Yeah because you are so good looking and such a kind-hearted person. I'm at a loss.
"Well there is this one guy I really like but he doesn't like me," She frowns. Please say she's not going to disapprove like Daddy.
"How do you know he doesn't like you? Have you asked him? Baby if he doesn't like you, he's not worth it." I shake my head, I couldn't ask him. How awkward would that be? She's so confident around boys. I'm just an awkward mess.
"I just know he doesn't Mom, I really like him. What do I do?" She puts her fingers on her chin to process what I've said.
"Sweetheart, I can't tell you what to do. It's your life." This wasn't the answer I was looking for. I shift my weight so I'm laying on my back looking at the ceiling and Mom does the same.
"Yeah, but what would you do?" She sighs again. Not a sigh I'd be self-conscious about but one that means she's digging deep. Thinking really hard trying to help me.
"Well, first I would decide how much he meant to me. Would I risk our friendship to become more? If the answer is yes then I would make the first move. He may just be worried too." I look at her instead of looking at the ceiling. Mom seems deep in thought too like she's recalling a memory? Or is it something else?
"He definitely doesn't like me Mom but I guess I never thought about risking our friendship." Would I want to jeopardize what we already have? Mom looks at me now just Iike I'm watching her.
"It's Jason, isn't it?" My cheeks turn red just thinking about it. How does she know? She always knows. Her face is showing pain, he always makes her sad but I don't know why.
"What, no," I say awkwardly. She composes herself and puts her hand on my cheek. I sigh, she's always right. "Fine, yes. It's Jay."
"Baby I want you to be happy but Jason he's not good for you. There are things you don't know." What does that mean? Mom goes back to looking at the ceiling again. She often zones out like she's in deep thought. She always listens though, I never have to worry if she's ignoring me thinking about her own problems.
"What sort of things?" I feel I need to know. He's my best friend, I need to defend him whatever has happened. What has Mom upset like this? She doesn't say anything for a while. I know she's listening so I encourage her to tell me again. "Please tell me, Mom."
"When I moved here with my Dad and Uncle Danny. Brody, Jason's Dad helped save me from my Dad." Is Brody closer to Mom than I first realised? I sit up on my elbow to look at Mom clearer. "He was the biggest player around. He was sweet to me and I cared deeply for him." I see a faint smile edge across her face. Does that mean Mom loved Brody? Is that past tense or present?
"Are you telling me you love him?" I need her to say it. Are we made for them? We both seem to love them. So why did Mom choose Daddy if she cared for Brody?
"I will always love Brody. He saved me from living the hell." So she still loves him? How are Daddy and Mom stable if she loves him still? Does Daddy cope with a lot? They look really happy together though. The stories that Daddy used to tell me about Mom at bedtime...Well, they inspired me. They made me want to find that one true love.
"Is that why you don't want me to be with him?" Does she not want me to have Jay because she couldn't have Brody? Did she turn him away or did she get heartbroken?
"No baby, you see Brody was in a gang. His rival gang wanted revenge on Brody. So they took the thing that mattered most to him." Mom grabs my hand like she is supporting me but she doesn't look away from the ceiling.
"Which was what?" What could be his most valued treasure? Is this gang dangerous? Did they make Brody turn cold or something? I have no idea.
Mom squeezes my hand, "Me," she sighs. I look at her shocked. Mom was Brody's most valued treasure? I love hearing Mom's past but do I want to hear how this pans out? I think Mom is seeking comfort from me rather me needing the comfort of her hand.
"You were kidnapped?" I know she's been kidnapped before but the facts don't add up so was this a different time?
"Yes, baby but it was the best thing that ever happened to me." She leans on her elbow to face me too. I did not expect her to say that. I'm shocked, "The leader of the rival gang was your Dad," I shake my head. Dad kidnapped Mom? Did Dad hurt her? Dad wouldn't hurt Mom but he didn't know her then. Would he hurt another woman? "Your Dad made a deal with me. I stayed to protect Brody from him."
"Wow, Mom. You must have cared about him. That's so romantic." Was Mom scared of Dad back then? Did she care for Brody that much to stay in a situation like that? Mom lays back down again.
"It's not so romantic when you come home to find he had kissed your best friend." He did what? After all Mom did for him, she could have been seriously hurt. Did Brody play her all that time or was the kiss a mistake?
"What a jerk! How could he do that to you?" I squeeze Mom's hand to comfort her. Would she have ended up with him if he hadn't of betrayed her?
"Now you see, he got with Jessie." I know, I've heard this story. They got together before Mom's wedding.
"I know, Jay's Mom." Mom sits crossed-legged again like she's all serious again. I stay where I am perched on my elbow.
"Princess you don't understand. Jay is slightly older than you." Yes, I know that too, I'm confused. What is she getting at? "Baby, Jessie wasn't with Brody then."
"What! What does that mean? Jessie isn't Jay's Mom?" He isn't much older than me. Mom always said I was early than expected and Jay is only a week older than me.
"No princess. She's not." Does that mean Jay was conceived around this time? The time when Mom was Brody's most precious item? How could he choose someone over my Mom? I mean look at her, she's stunning.
"That's why you're upset by him sometimes? Isn't it? Does Jay know?" I don't understand. Well, I do understand the concept but Brody made it so much more complicated.
"Yes, baby he does." Why did he never tell me this? I thought we were best friends. Did he not trust me enough to tell me this?
"So who is his Mom?" Was it someone from her school? Someone she knows? How was Mom not enough for Brody?
"I don't know baby. I've never met her." She shrugs, oh. I really expected it to be some she knew. Or at least to be someone meaningful to Brody. "But princess. What I'm trying to say is, If you are meant to be with someone it will happen."
"I want what you and Daddy have," She smiles at me. A genuine happy smile. When someone says his name or he walks in the room her eyes light up. Even if she's mad at him her eyes always tell a different story. If Daddy walks into the room he always gravitates towards her like it's automatic, unintentional. So what is Sully? Although Mom is happy with Daddy her eyes sparkle when she sees Sully. Daddy lights them up and Sully makes them shine brighter.
"And you'll find it, I have no doubt but you can't rush these things. Don't go looking because it will find you when you least expect it. I knew your Dad was someone special the moment he touched me but I wasn't looking for him, in fact I didn't know I wanted him until I found him."
"What do you mean?" Jay's touched me enough times, the hand-holding, the arm over my shoulder and the hugs. It feels good but it's all in my head, it doesn't feel any different than anyone else. Should it?
"After my Dad hurting me. I couldn't bear to be touched. I tried for Brody but I couldn't do it. It was too hard but when your Dad touch me it was like he was healing me. His touch meant so much... more. I never thought I'd get that." It starts to make more sense to me. Is Sully the same? Does she love him like Brody? She hugs and cuddles up with him, it's not the same surely?
"Wow. You two are perfect for each other." Although I can't get Sully out of my head, he seems somewhat of a third wheel. He loves her, does she see it?
"We have had a very rocky ride Lilly. It hasn't all been happy. No relationship is perfect. Of course, your Dad wasn't a great choice. He kidnapped me but you can't help who you fall for. He wasn't a choice, not deep down. When you know, you know."
"Well, thanks, Mom. That's really helped me." I sit up crossed-legged again and Mom smiles and puts her hands over mine which are on my lap.
"I'm glad I could help baby. If you need anything baby I'm always here. Day or night." I know she is, even if it's a bad day but I don't disturb her on those days. I don't like seeing the light draining from her vacant eyes.
"Thanks, Mom. I love you." Sometimes I think Mom needs to hear this from me. Of course, I love her but I don't always feel the need to say it but she seems to get comfort from this.
Someone knocks on the door and I call for them to come in. Daddy opens the door and comes in. He doesn't shut the door but he pushes it to. "How are my two favourite girls?"
"Good." I feel much better speaking to Mom, there is still so much more I want to know about her.
"What are you up to?" Mom is looking at Daddy who seems casual. He isn't giving anything away so how does Mom know he's up to something? She always knows, she's a superhero. No, she's my superhero.
"How do you always know? I can't get round you can I?" Mom giggles, it's good to hear her giggle. She's like a different person around Daddy. She's happier, carefree, glorious.
"No Damon, you can't." Mom is definitely the boss in this household but I think Daddy likes that. Mom doesn't control him, she makes him a better person. He lives for her, he hangs on her every word.
"I want to spend more time with my family. So we are going on a Vacation." Time away with my family? That must be the best news I've had all day. More time to spend with Daddy. Mom squeals and runs into Daddy's arms. He spins her around and carefully places her back down but they don't break their hold. He holds her with dominance but at the same time holds her like she fragile, he's scared to break her. Daddy kisses Mom like she's the most precious item. I look away I don't really want to be looking at my parents kissing. I groan in objection.
"Where are we going?" Mom says slightly concerned, her anxiety seems to be growing bursting their bubble.
"We are camping with style." I love camping, it's something Daddy, myself and the twins do together. Mom doesn't come camping, another bad memory I guess. Sometimes I stay with her when they go.
"Why don't you start packing?" Daddy says to me. I nod and start picking clothes I want to take. Daddy takes Mom out into the hallway, she doesn't look happy about this.
"I'm not going camping." Mom keeps her voice down, I can still hear you. You don't need to bother going out there.
"Come on baby. It's not camping it's..." Here we go, their arguing again. Sometimes they can really have shouting matches. Mom's too stubborn to back down and Daddy gets really angry as he's met his match.
"Camping with style. Yeah, I heard you." Mom sounds exasperated, where is this stemming from? What's wrong with camping? I find a bag to put my clothes in.
"Please, I've got loads of surprises planned for you. I want to spend time with my family, Emmie. I need to spend time with you. I love you," Daddy isn't afraid to show his emotions in front of Mom. He lays his heart out to her. This is why I was shocked that he was the most successful gang leader in the country. All I've ever seen is love, affection and protectiveness. Is he ruthless?
I look at Mom and she's smiling. She grabs Daddy's hair and tugs him towards her. I walk to my door and close it. I don't want to see that thank you. I go to the bathroom and grab my toothbrush. I look in the mirror, I touch my face and pull my cheeks until it hurts. Why can't I be like Mom, her face not mine? I sigh and go back to my bedroom. I'm all packed, I turn the music off that was playing in my room.
I head out the door and turn the light off shutting the door. I head towards the stairs and see Sully's door left open. "Sully, " Mom sighs. She's curled up on his chest on his bed. I shake my head I don't understand! To me that looks intimate and something I'd pay highly for to do that with Jay.
"You'll be fine. It's a couple of days. How bad can it be?" Sully says. I don't look anymore I just listen. I shouldn't be listening but I need to understand this.
"I know, he's trying. What if something happens? You won't be there." Sully doesn't need to come with us. What does she think will happen? "I'll miss you."
Sully sighs, "I'll miss you too. I'm only a phone call away." I can't listen anymore, this is hurting Sully. Mom is hurting him but Mom seems to be the happiest when he's around.
I walk to Caleb's room, I don't knock I just walk in. He's playing the stupid Xbox game again. He looks up at me and frowns but continues to play his game. "Caleb are you not getting ready?" I place my bag by the door.
"Yeah, in a minute I'm in the middle of a game." I go to his chest of drawers and grab him some spare clothes, not that my brothers have a sense of hygiene though. I go to his wardrobe and find a bag. Once I've placed his clothes into the bag I sit next to Caleb.
"You didn't need to do that Sis but thanks. Do you want to play?" I nod and he passes me his controller and he gets up and grabs himself another. I have my own account so I sign myself in. I set up an online game. Caleb puts his headset on and plugs it into his controller.
Once we are in gameplay I scope the boat out. Using the map to find the enemies. Caleb talks away into his headset and I zone out concentrating on the game. I deploy my aircraft after my killstreaks. "LillsShoots2Kill16 is my sister why?" Caleb says.
I look at Caleb, I can't hear what people are saying whilst he has his headset in. I don't normally care but why are they talking about me? I go back to the game, I deploy my next streak which is K-9 dogs. My favourite. "Yeah, she's good...Stop." Caleb growls. I grow more frustatrated as he distractes me whilst he's talking about me.
"What are they saying?" I look at him again. Damn it, I died because I was talking to Caleb. He doesn't answer me. I get a game invitation while I'm trying to play. I ignore it. God sake I died again. "Stupid snipers," I get a friend request. I ignore that too and I get my revenge on the sniper that just killed me.
"Guys, enough." I look at Caleb's screen and he's not dying so what is he talking about? I deploy my aircraft again.
"Caleb, what are they saying?" I get a message come through now too. I ignore it, I'm just trying to play a game with my brother and I'm constantly getting distracted from the game.
     "They think you're amazing," Caleb rolls his eyes. "No, I'm not taking my headset off." More invitations pop up and it's really starting to irritate me.
"Caleb. I won't play anymore if these stupid notifications keep popping up." The game comes to an end and I've got the last kill. My screen goes crazy with notifications. I get annoyed and toss the controller away from me.
"They all want to be your friend Lilly-May don't get grumpy." They want to be my friend? Caleb removes his headset and pulls it out of his controller so I can hear everyone. Some people are saying nice things, others keep asking if I'm hot. With some jealous people who think I hacked the game. "See."
"I still don't want to play anymore." Caleb shrugs and turns the Xbox off. I get up and grab my bag and leave Caleb to finish packing. Once I'm out of his room I get shoved to the ground. Ow, I get up and dust myself off. Thomas grins and walks past me, I run to catch up with him and shove him out the way so that I get to the stairs first.
I beat him downstairs and poke my tongue out at him. He trips me up with his leg. Urgh, he's so annoying. I grab his hair and he starts to hit me in my ribs with his elbow. I pull him into the living room where Mom and Daddy are sat on the sofa. They both look up and we both freeze. I push his head out the way and go sit next to Daddy. He lifts his arm up so I can cuddle up to his chest.
"Guys why must you always fight?" Mom scolds. She always tells Thomas off for annoying me but sometimes I'm the one that finishes.
"She was pulling my hair, you all saw." Thomas huffs. That's because he tripped me up first. He doesn't care that I'm a girl. Which I like, I'm not weak.
"Grow up both of you. Luckily Lilly can handle herself or I wouldn't be so forgiving." Daddy says as he looks at me and winks.
"Thomas, what have I told you about your behaviour towards your sister? You need to buck your ideas up son or I'll cancel gun practice," Mom says casually. Dad glares at her and Thomas crosses his arms.
"Emmie, you can't do that," Daddy growls. Here we go, another argument. Caleb joins us and Daddy passes me the car keys. "All of you get in the car will you? We will be out in a minute." I stand up and head for the door, the twins have already gone.
"Damon, I can and will if he carries on. They are my kids, if you won't teach him to have some respect then I will."
"Emmie, for fuck sake. They are my kids too or did you forget that?" Daddy's angry. I should really stop eavesdropping.
"I never wanted them caught up in your gang, you decided that for me. I had no choice. This should be a joint decision. If you carry on making these decisions without me then I will discipline them how I please. Good cop, bad cop right?"
"It all boils down to the gang with you! I can't win can I? You've never been happy since you found out I started the gang to get revenge for Alex!"
"Don't put words in my mouth Damon! She was your first love, Damon. Whoopty do, I hope to be your last."
Sully walks down the stairs and he sees me listening to them arguing. He then looks at Mom and Daddy. "Guys I can hear you arguing from upstairs. Just go on your vacation." Mom takes a deep breath and closes the distance between them. She hugs Sully around his waist and Sully kisses the top of her head.
I walk out towards the car and the twins are waiting for me to unlock the car. I open it and they pile in, I place my bag in the boot along with their bags that they conveniently left at the back of the car on the floor. I sit next to Caleb on the back seat whilst he is sat in the middle.
     Mom and Daddy get in the car but they don't talk to each other. Daddy starts the car and he looks round to see us. "You all belted in?" We all agree and he puts his seat belt on. "Let's go have family time." Caleb and Thomas are already entertaining themselves on their consoles. I put one headphone in listening to country music. "Emmie, seatbelt." Mom crosses her arms.
     Daddy sighs and leans over and puts her seatbelt on for her. She really is stubborn. Daddy sets off, I rest my head against the cool window. Nobody talking to each other, it's just silence. I focus on the music, lip singing the lyrics. I text Jay to tell him I'm going away. Maybe space is what I need. Remind myself how to just be friends, distance myself.
"You are my last," Daddy says barely audible bringing me back from my thoughts. Mom doesn't react to what he's said she just carries on staring into the distance. "You know I only want you. You fucking frustrate me sometimes but you're mine." She still doesn't say anything. "Baby, have I ever told you? Since Alex, I've been with a lot of women. As you know. I never saw their faces, Emmie," he sighs as he sees he's had no reaction from her, Mom's really making him work tonight.
"I thought I was broken, I felt nothing. The day I heard your voice...I heard your voice before I saw you. Your voice was magical. You sparked something in me that day." Mom looks at him, "And then I saw you. I saw your face, Emmie. You were a goddess that entered my life. I knew there and then that you were something special. I still, only see your face." Mom smiles at him and she strokes his face. "The biggest pull though is the gravity I feel when you're around. I autopilot to you. I can't stop, I can tell if you are in the same room without seeing you. Certainly helped me in the past." Mom leans forward and kisses him on the cheek. Daddy quickly turns his head to kiss her back on the lips and then he's back looking at the road. Daddy puts his hand in Mom's and we ride in silence. Why can't I have that? Their love is magical, they do argue a lot but I never worry that they will get a divorce and they love us unconditionally. I rest my head on Caleb.
SEB: Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
ME: Considering there's nothing you wouldn't do your point is moot. How do you know I'm going away?
SEB: Jay of course. We are all at mine in my den having a beer.
I frown at the screen, why wasn't I invited? He sends me a picture of them all in the back ground of his selfie.
ME: Where was my invite?
SEB: Guys only Lilly.
ME: I thought I was one of the guys.
SEB: You didn't take what I said seriously did you?
ME: Why would I? It's ludicrous.
SEB: Oh Lilly... Was Leo staring at your panties not enough for you to see?

ME: That's not what that was, he was in shock that I walked into him.
SEB: So fucking innocent Lilly! He wanted in your panties!
I gasp at my phone in horror! My eyes widen and my cheeks redden. That's surely not the case. My phone vibrates again.
LEO: I hear you are indeed alive. I never got my rematch, you were so certain of your victory. So, I thought something must have happened to you. Here I am informed of your whimping out going on vacation.
ME: Don't worry you'll get your rematch, I was just being curteous not kicking your ass twice in a row.
LEO: You can kick my ass any day ;)
ME: Are you drunk Leonardo?
LEO: Hmm, I like it when you call me by my full name.
ME: I take it as a yes.
LEO: Just drinking with the guys. Just unsure why you aren't here. I'd have more fun.

ME: I was never invited! Apparently guys only...
LEO: Considering we see you as one of the guys, I don't see what you're implying. And Kelly is here.
I look at the picture of Kelly on Jay's lap eating his face off. Why would Seb say it was guys only but Kelly is there? See, Seb must be mistaken, if Leo liked me more than a friend he wouldn't say that.
ME: Ew...
CJ pulls me out of my spiralling, "What's up, sis?"
"Leo asked why I wasn't at Seb's den. I wasn't even invited but Kelly was."
"Yeah, I know. T and I were invited and we were going until we knew about the vacation."
I'm pissed as hell, "So everyone was invited but me. Brilliant." I mutter.
"You know Jason takes your safety seriously. When the guys get together it's rowdy."
"So why is Kelly there?"
"Jason has his own rules, it's not a surprise."
I hate that I wasn't invited, I shouldn't feel so rejected but I do. I always said I liked being one of the guys but to not be invited just because of my gender. Seems the only one that doesn't want me there is Jay and he hasn't replied to my text he must have seen it as Seb told me.
"Sis, why are you so upset?"
"Doesn't matter." I say shifting my gaze out the window. My phone vibrates again and I ignore it. I'm too annoyed to see who it is. I can't concerntrate now wondering who's texted me.
SEB: Lol!
ME: What!
SEB: You're not even here and you're centre of attention.
ME: What on earth are you talking about?
Seb sends me a video and I press play and my music stops so I can hear the video. It's of all the guys in Seb's den. "What the fuck are you smiling at?" Jay asks.
"Lilly," Leo shrugs.
"Why are you talking to Lilly? I thought this was guys night?" Jay growls.
"Why wasn't she invited?" Leo looks at Jay. Jay pushes Kelly off his lap, "You are the one that invited her. At least Lilly is one of us."
"Because I don't trust you guys around her whilst you've been drinking." Jay stalks towards Leo like he's his prey.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jay slams Leo against the wall and I gasp. "What the hell are you doing mate?"
"I wanted a nice chilled night without having to look out for Lilly. Is that too much to ask? You guys become horny as fuck on alcohol. She won't be a one night stand for any of you."
"One night stand? Are you kidding me?"
"I see the way you are around her. I'm still pissed with how you treated her at lunch yesterday."
"Jeez it was a bit of fun Jason, calm the hell down."
"Even seeing her panties? Was that a bit of fun?" Seb says which makes me jump as he's close to the camera filming I imagine. I can't tell if he's amused or pissed.
"What?" Jay growls glaring at Seb holding the camera so it looks like he's looking at me. Jay returns his murderous glare back at Leo. "You saw her underwear?"
"By accident, she walked into me. Her skirt rode up when she fell."
Jay punchs Leo before the camera shakes and cuts out and my music starts to play again. What the hell was that? I'm stunned I don't even know what to say. Leo never admitted anything so Jay was over reacting.
ME: Is everyone okay?
SEB: Yes, I stopped their fight. They get rowdy when they've been drinking. It's not the place for you.
ME: You always say I'm too innocent.
SEB: Sure, sure. But I don't want you losing your innocence underneath one of the drunk guys. That's not what I want for you.
ME: What makes you think I'll be that stupid?
SEB: Because of your innocence!
ME: You make me sound like a child!

SEB: You may as well be.
I glare at the screen, he thinks I'm a child! My Dad already treats me like one and now Seb thinks I am. Do they all think I'm a child? Sure, I may be innocent but I'm not stupid or a child? I would never end up in bed with one of the guys whether they are drunk or not. I only see myself with Jay, I won't be falling into bed with someone I don't love. I don't know why Seb keeps saying guys are interested in me because they clearly aren't.