Fading Scars

Chapter 27

Emmie

I move off Sully's lap and I push his legs apart so I can sit between them like I used to with fake Sully. When Lucas returns into the room I let him clean my wound with antiseptic. "Emmie, I'm sorry. This is all my fault."
"Damon, I'm pissed as hell that you didn't believe me but she was good, I'll give her that. Would I have seen it if I was okay? I have no idea, it probably wouldn't have bothered me. I know that you only want me, so the sooner we forget this the better." I really would like to forget this but I know I won't. He keeps looking at the photos on my phone.
"How can you be so forgiving over this? If it was reversed I don't think I could be." Yes, he could because he goes through it all the time.
"Damon, you go through it all the time, Liam was a huge mistake on my part. I cheated on you, well that's how it felt. You stayed faithful but I fucked up big time. There's Blake he kissed me, I pushed him away but it happened. I..." I cringe at the thought, "I had sex with Mr D, it may have been under false pretences but I should have known. Deep down I did but nothing made any sense. You've spent our whole life together having to deal with people touching me. You never made any move whereas I made some moves."
"Emmie don't fucking compare this to when you've been kidnapped. Liam took advantage of your vulnerable state. If you were stable I know you wouldn't have slept with him, you thought I married someone else for love. I couldn't blame that on you, I should have stopped it. The thought of you hurting in pain and you being so low that you let him touch you voluntarily, that's on me." He's said it, it was voluntary but I would have never have done it if I thought there was hope. "Ben Dudley needs a death sentence for what he did to you, Emmie. That was not your fault, you had to adapt to your surroundings."
"No Damon, half the time I begged him to kiss me. It all happened because of me, I have nobody to blame but myself."
"Emmie, you begged him because you thought it was Damon. You begged him because you wanted security. You wanted to feel something, some familiarity you wanted him to love you. You were confused."
"It doesn't matter Stefan, I should have known it wasn't him. I fought it for a long time, I knew he wasn't Damon. Then things started to become unclear. I didn't understand anything, he looked like Damon. He kept saying he was Damon, it was our house. When he would touch me it would send flashbacks to our past. So that convinced me in my mind that it was him."
"Exactly Emmie, you fought for a long time. Until your mind had to protect itself. You were sleep-deprived, that would have made you see things that weren't there. It would have made your mind unclear. Months Emmie, you fought whereas most people would have lasted weeks. You could see it deep down but you were protecting yourself. Describe the guy that played Sully."
I look at Sully and slide my hands through his now that Lucas has finished. "They didn't get Sully right at all. Nothing was right about him, for a while I wouldn't let him touch me or comfort me. Then something changed, I guess Hugo comforted me. I needed that, I knew it wasn't Sully but I saw the pain in his eyes. I knew he cared about me so I let him hold me. That's when my memories and everything collided together. Hugo was my only safe place in there. I knew it wasn't Sully because no matter what, he would save me from harm, even from Damon. Hugo never hurt me, not physically anyway. He was always sad, which made me sad. Memories merged and I saw him as Sully. He kept giving me these signs that something wasn't right but I didn't understand. Months felt like years to me and he was my constant but deep down I knew he wasn't my Sully."
"Describe Blake Emmie." Blake well he was exactly like my Blake despite him hurting me over and over.
"Blake was well, Blake. He looked like Blake and he acted like him. Nothing about him made me feel safe. He was merciless like Mr D, I didn't know how far he would go. I mostly only saw him whilst we had training. I didn't want to because it was my thing with my Blake. I'd never done one on one fights with my Blake. He hit me over and over and that caused rage deep inside of me. Who was he to hurt me like that? So I used what Blake had taught me and it felt good but I grew tired quickly in there. There was nothing to gain from fighting him so I gave up. I knew he wasn't Blake, even after my memories merged. When he kissed me, I felt nothing."
"How did you feel when you were rescued, Emmie?" That is a trick question because I didn't know I was at the time.
"That is a difficult question because at the time I didn't know I was being rescued. The door opened and I could smell Damon all around me and that made me even more confused. I hadn't felt his presence like that in a long time. I felt safe but I didn't understand, I felt Sully too. They both felt real to me. Not like they had done for months. I really did feel safe which didn't make any sense. Then I saw Dyno, it was comforting to see a different face. I thought Damon had come to shoot me. I must have done something wrong again but he was also a comfort. When he picked me up and took me to the front door I thought it must be a trap. Then he said he wanted to take me out the house of horrors. I guess I didn't understand but that was what he wanted."
"See, you knew you were safe. You felt it, whether you understood or not at the time. You knew it was the real Damon and Sully. You always knew but your mind was protecting you."
"You've proved my point, Stefan. Deep down I knew, so why did I let it happen? There were so many signs, the touch, the smell, the abs." I bite my lip and I look at Damon and he smirks, "The eyes, the everything."
"Emmie, none of that matters. He made you believe it was Damon. Whether you knew deep down or not it's irrelevant. Would you have let him touch you if you knew it was Ben Dudley?"
"No, of course not." I continue to look at Damon and I hate the distance between us. I crawl over to him and I curl up between his legs. He holds me and kisses my head. He may have fucked up but I've done worse. I can forgive him for this, I couldn't live without him. I look up at him and he smiles. I'm home here in his arms, he makes me feel so safe and secure. I don't have to pretend who I am with him.
"Emmie, I don't blame you for anything. If you slept with him voluntarily knowing who he was whilst kidnapped I still wouldn't blame you. You are a survivor, you do what it takes to survive and I am grateful for that." I smile at Damon's words and he leans down and his soft lips claim mine. We have been through a hell of a lot but we are still strong. We are strongest together.
"Emmie, I need to know before I go. Do you still feel like something is wrong? I'll stay if you think I'm needed but you look good." Lucas says.
Do I still feel like something is wrong? I feel perfectly fine, what exactly did I think was wrong? I remember the feeling in the pit of my stomach. "I'm fine Lucas, I remember feeling that something was wrong but I feel fine. Everything has gone back to normal. Thank you for being here."
"You're welcome, Emmie." Lucas stands and I get off Damon's lap. Hero jumps off the bed and I hold onto his harness. Lucas heads out the door and I follow with Hero by my side. Damon slips his hand through mine and I look up at him. He's so beautiful, I release Hero and I put my free hand around Damon's arm to stop myself from falling.
We head downstairs and walk to the front door. I'm sad to see Lucas leave because he is like family to me. I let go of Damon and I hug Lucas. There were many years that I couldn't handle him touching me but now I can accept his touch. He's saved my life more times than I can count. He releases me and grabs his bags and he leaves.
I watch him whilst he walks away from the house. I know I'll see him again soon but it doesn't make it any easier. "Damon, can you leave Emmie and I for a while?" Stefan says and I frown.
"Sure, I can take the kids out. They are probably bored." I look at Damon and he puts his hands on my face.
"You'll be fine baby, I won't be long I promise. You're safe with Stefan." I nod, I know I am of course. I just miss Damon's presence it's soothing. He kisses me and heads upstairs. I walk over to the sofa and I sit in the corner. I haven't seen the kids in a while, I am a bad mother. I look at Stefan and he is sat on the sofa looking through some paperwork.
Hero rests his head on my lap, I hear lots of footsteps coming down the stairs and I look over at the stairs. All my kids are looking at me, CJ walks over to me and he jumps over the sofa and he sits next to me and Hero growls. I hush him, I thought Hero would accept my kids. "Hey Baby," I say to CJ.
"I've missed you, Mom. You look better." I smile at him and I put my hand on his head. He's such a supportive son.
"I am better baby, how are you?" he grabs my hand from his head and he puts it on his lap and holds it.
"I'm good Mom, I'm just glad to see you," he shouldn't feel this way. I should be a constant in his life.
"Caleb, let's go you can see Mom later." I look at Damon and he is surrounded by the rest of my kids. I look at Hailey and she's looking at me. I need to make more of an effort with her if she's going to be a permanent fixture to our family. She's right next to Damon's side and she seems happy there like he gives her security as he does with me and Lilly.
"I'll see you guys later. Have fun babies." I blow a kiss to them and CJ gets up and joins the rest of them.
"Mom, don't call me that." I smile at Tommy, he hates me calling him that but I don't care he's my little baby that was so tiny when he was born. Damon pushes them out the door and I focus back on Stefan. He puts four A4 pictures on the coffee table.
I examine each one, they are pictures of women in their underwear but you can't see their faces. "Emmie, I want you to place these in order from underweight to normal weight." I frown, why am I doing this? I look closely at each picture. One really captures my eyes, she's so skinny, I can see every rib, her hip bones. Her shoulders and her collarbone really protrude. I am horrified at how she's become like this. Is this woman even alive? Has she been starved or has she does this herself? What must be going on in her head? I place that photo on my left that is the worst picture and one I can't get out of my head.
I find another one that isn't as bad but it's still a shock to see these people so underweight. Why is Stefan showing me these? I place that picture to the right of the first one. I move the other two pictures next to them in size order like I was asked.
"Emmie, tell me why you put this one first? How do you feel about this picture?" he points at the most disturbing one.
"It's horrific Stefan, why would you be showing me these? Is this person dead?" I look at him and he frowns.
"No Emmie, she isn't dead. Tell me how it makes you feel." Why? I look at the person in the photo.
"I guess I'm disgusted, did someone do this to her, or did she do it to herself?" I look at Stefan again.
"She did this to herself, Emmie. I need more information from you, how do you feel?" Why is he pushing this?
"If she did this to herself then I think she must have something sinister going on in her head. It must have been so hard whatever she was going through to get to this point. She must be on the verge of her body shutting down where she is so skinny. I can see all her bones and it makes me desperately want to help her. She must be battling with something to get to this point."
"Okay, what about the next photo Emmie?" I look at the next, I mean it's not as bad as the first but it's still bad.
"It's clear that she is Anorexic but she's not as bad as the first one. Something still must be going on in each head. Why are we doing this Stefan? It hurts to see their body, it would be worse if I saw their faces and the pain in their eyes."
"Look at them Emmie, really look. Is it a cry for help? Do you think they are underweight? On the verge of dying?" he's making me agitated.
"I am looking Stefan, what do you want from me? How would I know if it's a cry for help Stefan? I don't know them, I don't know what's going on in their head. I would imagine so but something must be haunting them to do this to themself. Stefan, they are skin and bones there is no fat to see on them."
"What if I told you the person thinks that they are fat?" I widen my eyes and stare at Stefan, fat? There is nothing of them.
"Stefan, that is ludicrous. They look like skeletons there is no fat there whatsoever. What are they thinking? How could they believe they are fat Stefan? I don't understand."
"So, you're saying the person in this picture is not fat in any way?" I shake my head and look at the first photo. Where is he going with this?
"No, Stefan. What is this? This is horrific, do you need me to tell them that they aren't fat? How could she not see this?"
"Okay, now keep this image in your head." I can't unsee this, what is he getting at? He places pictures over the top of the first pictures. "Emmie, all these pictures are of the same person of different points in her life. This Emmie is you now," he points to the first picture and this time instead of just the body it has a face. The girls eyes are closed in each picture like she's sleeping. I look closely and it is me, my scars are on the body of these pictures. I don't understand, "This picture here is when I first met you." I look at the second picture that he is pointing at. "This picture was a few years after I met you," he points to the next photo. "And this one is when you were just under normal weight. This is a few years ago when you were happy and carefree. What do you see now Emmie?"
"Stefan, I..." I am speechless. "How is this me?"Damon must have taken them whilst I was sleeping. I pick up the first photo one with my head and one without and I compare the two. I still see the same in both pictures, I mean it's right in front of my face. I stand up keeping the photos in my hands. I head for the stairs and I make my way upstairs to my bedroom, I can feel Stefan following me. I enter the bathroom and I look into the mirror.
"Look, Emmie, really look. Remember how you described this girl. How you said she was skin and bones. She was on the verge of her body shutting down." I really look and I see someone else staring back at me. I see this skinny person, I lift up my top and I gasp.
"Stefan, what is happening? I've always seen a fat ugly girl staring back at me and now I see a beautiful skinny person." I touch my ribs and feel how prominent they are.
"Your mind made up an image of you, how you felt. You believed it, so much that you saw it when you looked into the mirror. You say you need control but look what you've done to yourself in the process."
"I...I don't know what to say. It gave me control when I couldn't control my life. It helped me, Stefan, it did."
"I'm sure it did in your own way but Emmie if you carry on down this path you will end up dead. This is the worst I've ever seen you. I was worried when I first met you but this has to stop."
"I know Stefan, I can see now." I let my top fall back down and I walk out of the room. How could I not see this? All my life I saw something that wasn't real. How could my mind play tricks on me like that? I head downstairs and Stefan leads me to the kitchen.
"I bought you these Emmie," he opens the cupboards and he takes out lots of shakes and places them on the side. "I know what you are like with food. I want you to try these, I want you to have these twice a day. If you want food alongside them that's great but you need to have at least one meal with these. They aren't a meal replacement for you. You need the calories in your body Emmie. Can you do that?"
"I guess Stefan," he places a shake in front of me, "You mean now?" This aversion to food isn't just going to go away.
"Emmie, we need to hit this head-on. Why wait, we have already waited too long." I do feel exhausted but I don't feel like my body is just going to suddenly give up. "Emmie, the longer you drag this out the more risk of health problems like heart failure, seizures. Emmie please, it's time."
"Okay Stefan, I get it. Give me the damn shake," he passes it to me and I open it. All I have to do is swallow, right?
"I'm going to give you a food plan Emmie. I'll stick around for a couple more days to assist you because I know what you are like. You'll need regular snacks in between meals but we are going to take it slow. We don't want to shock your body. I want you to start taking a food diary. I'm looking for a 1-2 pound weekly gain."
I drink the shake to shut him up. I've heard enough, how did I get to this point. I cringe once I've finished the bottle. Tastes horrible warm, I'll need to keep them in the fridge. "This is a lot to get my head around Stefan."
"I know Emmie, I've waited too long to do this. You were a healthy weight before the trial and then being held captive. You've now slept which is great but this is the last thing to tackle. It's going to take a long time and it's going to be hard but you've got this." I grab the shakes and I put them in the fridge ready for the next time that he makes me have one. "Now for a banana, Emmie."
I groan, I grab one and I leave the kitchen before he makes me eat anything else. I sit down on the sofa and Hero sits on my lap. Stefan takes his seat and he starts writing on his paperwork. I peel open the banana. Stefan puts something on the TV, I don't really care for much TV these days but I focus on the programme. It's a series I actually like called Heartland. It's a Canadian programme about horses. I start eating my banana whilst watching the programme.
"Distraction is key, Emmie." I look at Stefan, bastard. I hadn't even noticed him distracting me. I glare at him and he laughs. I continue to watch the program and eat the banana. I place the skin on the coffee table and I keep watching the TV.
I manage to watch a couple of episodes before the door opens. I look up and my family arrive, I stand up and when I see Damon I run into his arms. Tears fall from my face and he lifts me up so my legs are wrapped around his waist. I hold his neck for support and he holds my ass. "Did you miss me, baby? What's up?"
"Damon..." I sob. He takes me over to the sofa and he sits down with me on his lap but I carry on hugging him with my face on his neck.
"What happened? What did you do to her?" Damon says to Stefan. Damon's hands place on my face and pulls my head away from his neck, "Baby, what's wrong?" I look into his eyes, "baby you're scaring me now. What happened?"
I look at the door and my kids have scattered like flies upstairs. "Emmie, why won't you tell him? It's better coming from you."
"I don't know what to say." I look at Damon's face and I stroke his cheek. "Stefan, can I have the photo?" I look at Stefan and he passes it to me. I hold the photo up to show Damon, "This is me, Damon, how did I become this?" Damon looks at the photo and screws his face up. I lift my top up and I show him my bones poking through my skin. "How? I don't understand? When I used to look in the mirror I saw a fat and ugly girl but today I saw a beautiful skinny person whose body is shutting down. How can you like this?"
Damon puts his hands on my bare hips and I gasp, "I wouldn't say I like it, Emmie. You've always been too skinny for my liking but I love you. I love what's in your soul and to see you waste away in front of me is heartbreaking."
"Stefan, can I have the best photo please?" I look at Stefan and I take the photo from him. I show Damon the heathier picture, "Is this how you want me?" he looks at the picture.
"Emmie, I don't care what you look like, do you not see? I want you to be healthy, I want you to be alive. This isn't healthy," he points at my body, "I don't care if you're fat or skinny I just want you to be healthy. Knowing you could keel over at any moment doesn't sit well with me. I've spent many moments in my life thinking I was going to lose you. Don't let this take you away from me."
"Damon, I don't feel unhealthy but I ate a banana and had one of those horrible shakes. I'm trying Damon, how could I not see this?" I let my top fall but Damon continues to hold my hips.
"You didn't see it because you are bloody stubborn. You always see the worst in yourself, it's time you see how much you mean to us. How beautiful you really are, that all men crave."
"I only want you, Damon. I don't care if others crave me, well I do care because I hate it. I'm sorry I keep putting you through shit."
"Stop saying sorry Emmie. Your Dad caused this, he caused many problems and scars and you still love him."
"Damon, it's not that easy. He was my Dad, he looked after me. Damon, I may still love him but it's got nothing on my family that I have right now." I put my forehead on his, "You ground me Damon, you give me the security he never gave me. I feel safest right here in your arms when I'm here nothing can hurt me. You are the only one that can make me feel this way," Damon sighs.
"You shouldn't need to be in my arms to feel safe, baby. He made you feel scared and frightened. He gave you those scars that you need me to make you feel safe."
"Damon, I can't change the past. I couldn't change anything back then. I just need to focus on the now and the future. I find it a blessing you know? Because if I wasn't fucked up and if I was normal maybe I would never have found you. How would I know that you are the one?"
"We would have found a way to find each other. You would know, just like I know you are the one." I kiss him and he returns the kiss. He pulls me closer to him and I crave his touch more than ever.
"I like being in our own little bubble. I like that you make me feel safe. I love you, Damon," he lifts me up and places me on the sofa on my back and he puts his weight on me. I close my eyes recalling a bad memory with Mr D.
I feel my body shaking and Hero cries, "Stay with me, Emmie. I've got you," I feel his hand on my hip and I open my eyes. He kisses my lips again and I start to relax. "What do you say to an arcade, bowling and dinner night? The kids are desperate to spend time with you?"
"Sounds like a plan Damon. Where's Sully?" Blake is missing too but although I unintentionally made him travel thousands of miles to come here I'm not that bothered.
"Sully and my brother are coming back shortly to come with us. Why don't you go put on something nice? I'll peel you out of it later." I giggle and kiss him quickly and he removes his weight from me. I get up and I feel for Hero with my hand and he's by my side so I hold his harness. We walk upstairs together and I shut the bedroom door once I'm in.
I find some black jeans and a top because it's still bloody cold outside. I change and then find my hairbrush and brush my hair. I look in the mirror and I stare back at my reflection, I touch my face and my cheekbones protrude and my eyes are red and under my eyes are grey. How could I have missed this? I lift up my top and I touch each rib, this isn't what I saw in the mirror a few days ago.
Damon's arms wrap around me and he grabs my hand that's touching my body. I look into the mirror to see his face. He slides his fingers through mine and he skims my body. "You are so beautiful, baby." He slides our fingers under my jeans and panties and I gasp. I try to remove my hand but he grips my hand tighter. "Don't," he warns. "I want you to feel what I do." I gape at him in the mirror in horror. He slides our fingers down and he slides our fingers inside me.
This is new, I've never done this and I don't particularly enjoy this but Damon seems to be enjoying himself. "Damon..."
"Trust me, baby." I do trust him but this isn't me. He kisses my neck and I move my head giving him better access. As much as this is making me uncomfortable everything about Damon turns me on. My body is on fire just waiting for him.
"I do Damon, I just..." he moves our fingers to make a punishing rhythm as he would alone. "Damon." I take a deep breath. I need him now, just not like this.
"I know baby, I know," he removes our fingers and he kneels down in front of me and undoes my jeans always keeping his eyes on mine. He slides my jeans and panties down and removes one foot from them. He spreads my legs apart whilst I am standing and kisses the inside of my legs. I hold his head for support, he reaches closer rising higher and his tongue tortures my clit and I call out. I clutch his hair whilst his tongue explores inside me and my legs start to shake. I need him to finish this sweet relentless torture but it will also never be enough or long enough.
"Damon..." I say breathlessly. He chuckles and he puts his hands between my legs and he lifts me up whilst I'm on his shoulders. I put my hands on his flexed biceps. He sets me down on the sink worktops and he pulls away from me.
He undoes his jeans and he closes the distance between us and then he is inside me, I put my hands on his back and I try pulling him closer to me. I call out and he kisses me. I'm not sure of that taste but Damon's tongue caresses mine and I ignore that strange taste. He goes fast and hard and it's ending all too soon, "Let go, baby." I pull him closer to me, I'm not ready yet. I haven't had my fill of him yet. This is never enough for me. I try to slow him down but it's no use.
"No," I protest. I don't want to stop, this is my favourite place to be. Caught up in Damon's spell my body responding to him.
"Don't be stubborn, baby. Not now, let go," he whispers in my ear, I slide my hands through his hair and I tug, he groans loudly and my body responds to him once more. I call out his name and he pulls me with him to the floor. I rest my head on his chest and use my finger to caress his body. Today has been very eventful, one that I'd like to forget but it's been clouded by Damon. "You are always so stubborn." I like being his stubborn wife. I grin into his chest.
"No, I just can never get enough of us. It was over before it began." He flips me onto my back and he smiles at me.
"Oh, baby, as much as I'd happily go again we will soon be joined by my brother and I certainly don't want to share you," he kisses my lips and he gets up. I feel more relaxed and I don't want this to end.
I look at Damon and I bite my lip to challenge him and he grins. "Are you sure I can't tempt you to stay?" he does up his jeans and he joins me back on the floor. I slide my hand up his top feeling his delicious abs under my fingertips.
"I like this new confidence from you, baby. My body is drawn to you so I don't need any more temptations." he kisses me and I grab his neck to pull him closer. His hands grab the back of my legs and he lifts me off the floor. "But we really do need to get going." I groan.
"You like to keep your wife hanging don't you?" he releases me and I slide my jeans back on and enter the bedroom. He slaps my ass and I gasp.
"I like to keep her in suspense." I look at him and he pushes me against the wall. I bite his bottom lip and slide my teeth over his lip as I release him. "You are something else, baby." I smile and he kisses me again urgently.
"Bro! Where you at?" I groan when I hear Blake. At least I am fully dressed now. Damon releases me and calls back to him. He kisses my lips one last time and he leaves the room. I find my jacket from the chair and I make my way downstairs. "Whoa, Bro she got you there. She's feisty. Do you want to give me a floor show?"
I look at Blake who is perched on the back of the sofa. He's looking at Damon on the sofa, I look at Damon's hickey. I hadn't noticed it, it's big and bruised. Oh well, I was marking what was mine I guess. Damon looks furious glaring at Blake. I walk towards Blake and I stand between his legs. I lean towards his ear, "You want me to give you a floor show?" I whisper into his ear. He nods speechless. I look at Damon and he looks confused. I grin at him and Damon's face softens. I remove my lips from near his ear and I inch my lips closer to Blake's and I see his eyes closed. I shove him hard so he falls backwards on to the sofa, "Then find your own damn wife Blake."
Damon laughs and I head towards the kitchen, I look at the time and it's nearly 5 pm. I feed Hero before we go out because I don't know how long we will be. Sully comes through the front door and I smile at him. He makes his way to me and he hugs me. I return the hug and he kisses my head. His gestures mean so much to me. "What you up to?"
"Nothing really. I'm tired already Sully," he lifts me up and he takes me to the sofa. It's been a long day but I strangely don't want it to end.
"I'll go round the kids up. Why don't you make your way to the car?" I nod and Sully lifts me off the sofa. I hope once I build up my health that I won't be so exhausted all the time.
"Sully? How much would you say I weighed?" I say once we are out of the house. He looks at me confused.
"Not that you'll believe me but I'd say less than six stone." I gasp and before today I thought I was at least 15 stone. How is this even possible? He places me in the car and Hero jumps in and Sully walks around to the driver's side.
"How could I miss that Sully? I always thought I was huge like a house but now I see. I see what I really look like."
"Whoa, who made you finally realise?" the back door opens and Blake slides in. Man, last time he took me to the arcades I was so tired and he couldn't stand losing.
"Stefan did. He tricked me into it. He showed me pictures of skinny girls but it turned out they were just pictures of me without my scars. He must have photoshopped them or something." The other back door opens and CJ gets in. "Hey baby, you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good Mom. I'm so glad you're coming with us." There is no place I'd rather be, I'm looking forward to it. Sully starts the car and he drives off. I look at Sully and I smile, he's so pretty. I slide the sun visor down and I slide open the mirror. I look at myself in the mirror like I did earlier. How did I get things so wrong all my life? My blue eyes that stand out of my face. My protruding cheekbones. My rosebud lips, I touch my lips as I admire them. I am beautiful, I can see that now.
Despite accepting my looks, I still find it annoying when people hit on me. Sully grabs my hand and I look at him, "What are you thinking about?"
"I'm just confused, Big Guy. I mean I spent my whole life thinking that I was fat and ugly. It just seems impossible to go from that to this." I gesture to my body, "It just doesn't sit well with me."
"You're beautiful and I'm glad you finally see it." I look down at my dog and I blush. I still won't get used to these compliments no matter if I know I am.
"Turn the radio up bro," Blake says. I look at him in the rearview mirror and I frown at him. He winks at me and I continue to stare at him. Sully releases my hand and turns it up slightly but not too much and I'm glad because I'm still sensitive to sounds.
I listen to the song and I realise I like this song. I close my eyes and I start softly singing the lyrics. "But how, do you expect me, to live alone with just me? 'Cause my world revolves around you, It's so hard for me to breathe, Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air? Can't live, can't breathe with no air, That's how I feel whenever you ain't there."
I feel eyes watching me and I open my eyes and I see them all gawking at me. It's a catchy song called No Air by Jordin Sparks. "Erm, what?" I blush wondering what they are all staring at.
"Mom, please don't stop. I've missed you singing, you haven't sung in so long." I have been missing for a long time. "You seem to only sing when you are happy. It's been years since I heard you sing." Years? I was only kidnapped for 6 months I sang on vacation but he wasn't there. How long had it been before that?
"I haven't heard you sing before Fatty. Keep going," I look at Blake again and he gives me a genuine encouraging smile. Am I able to sing under pressure like this?
I close my eyes again to try block them out. I am happy, I'm where I want to be in life. I can sing for them, "Got me out here in the water so deep, Tell me how you gon' be without me? If you ain't here I just can't breathe There's no air, no air, No air air, No air air."
Sully starts to sing softly with me and I open my eyes to watch him sing. He glances at me and he smiles. I am so damn lucky to have these people in my life. Sully pulls up in a car park and I open my door. I don't wait for anyone to get my door. Hero jumps out and I follow him.
Damon has already arrived and I walk towards him and I put my arm around his waist and he puts his over my shoulder and kisses the top of my head. We make our way towards the building, "You seem happier."
"Dad, Mom was singing." Damon peers down at me and I shrug. I don't really see what the big deal is.
"Hmm, is that right? I know a lot of people who would pay to see that." I ignore him, no one would pay for me to sing. We walk into the building and I feel Hero by my legs. I don't need his lead anymore I trust him to always stay by my side.
Damon steers us towards the counter and the lady flashes her eyelashes at Damon and I roll my eyes. "I've got a reservation under Rider." I slide out of Damon's hold and I go to sit at the table where the kids are. I slide in next to Lilly and I put my hand on her head and pull her to me.
"Hey baby, you okay?" I kiss her head and I release her. She sits up straight and looks at me. She's different from what I remember. Is she still struggling with her addiction? I should do my research as I'm out of my depth here.
"Yeah, I'm good Mom. I'm glad you are more yourself." I stroke her hair, I'm going to put my kids first from now on.
"Hailey, how are you settling in? I'm sorry I haven't been around to help you feel more at home."
"It's okay Mrs Rider, Lilly said you've been ill. Damon has helped me, I haven't felt like part of a family in a long time."
"Please call me Emmie, you don't need to be so formal. I'm glad you have joined our family. If you need anything just let me know."
"Thank you, Damon said we are going back to Spain soon. What happens if you decide you don't want me? What would happen to me?" I frown, why would she think I wouldn't want her? Have I given her any reason to believe that?
"Hailey, even though the adoption hasn't gone through, you are family now. The one thing you'll learn about me is family is everything to me. Whether I gave birth to you or not you are my daughter should you so wish. I protect my family at all costs and I'll promise you guys one thing I'll be here for you all from now on and I am so sorry I haven't been there for you all. It will not happen again."
"Mom, you don't need to promise us that. We understand and we support you." CJ says and they all nod in agreement.
"Well I am, what do you all want to drink?" I smile at them and they all give me their drink order. I stand up and head to the bar area. No one is waiting at the bar so I don't need to wait to be served.
"What can I get you?" I give him my order and he starts working on the drinks. I turn my back on the barman and look at my kids. I miss Jacky, he knew exactly what drinks I wanted without me asking. I watch Damon set up our lane, although I am looking at them from the outside I don't feel it anymore.
I smile at them, they are mine and nothing will get in the way of that. I look back at the barman, "Can I get these sent over to lane 5 please?"
"Sure, that will be 43 dollars sweetheart." I roll my eyes and pay with my card. I hold onto Hero sometimes I forget he's here he's so good. We walk towards the lane and they've already started playing. I haven't played bowling for a long time.
I'm really tired already, maybe this anorexia thing has done more harm than good. Sully is sat down on the bench and I sit on his lap. There isn't room anywhere else. "You okay?"
"Yeah, it's been a long day." I rest my head on his shoulder and he holds me for support. I will not fall asleep yet. My name pops up on the screen and I stand up and hold Hero's harness to escort me to the bowling balls. I move all the balls to find the smallest number. I lift it up and it still feels like concrete. I walk towards the lane and I swing the ball back and throw the ball and I slip and fall on my back, ow.
"Ah, crap." I hold the back of my head. Damon lifts me to my feet and I blush, everyone is watching. I look at the pins and I got a strike. "Yes, totally worth falling." I giggle.
"You okay?" Damon says. I nod, of course, I am. I hold onto Hero again and I return to Sully's lap. He uses his fingers to inspect my head. It was only a slight knock. I push his hands away and I curl up onto him again.
Lilly takes her shot and she misses all the pins. "Come on baby, you got this." She smiles awkwardly at me. She picks up another ball and she takes another shot and she hits them all down. I clap at her achievement and she jumps in the air. "Takes after her Mom with this." There are many things she gets from Damon and only few she gets from me so I take pride that she takes this from me.
"Oh, you think?" Damon grins at me mocking me. It's his turn and I wave him ahead. He picks up a ball and he takes his shot. He curves the ball and hits down six pins. I raise my eyebrows at him when he looks at me. He takes his next shot and he leaves two pins still standing.
"Sorry Damon, what was that?" I laugh at his loss. He comes to me all serious and picks me up so I have to wrap my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. I laugh uncontrollably and he kisses all over my face. "I think you lost Damon."
"Oh baby, I didn't lose. I won the greatest prize." I stop laughing and frown at him, "I won you and your happiness."
"That you did," he puts me down and Sully takes his shot. Damon puts his arm around me to keep me from swaying everywhere. The drinks are brought over to us and I hand them out to everyone. Sully leaves one pin standing and I applaud him. Blake is up next and he hits two pins on his first go. He picks up his next ball and I walk up behind him. He throws his ball and I jump on his back, "Opps." I shout in his ear and his whole body jumps in the air. "Hmm being beaten by girls Blake?" I staying clinging to his body and he turns his head.
"Fuck, Fatty you scared me. I'm being a gentleman, I'm letting the girls win," he puts his hands on the back of my knees. He pushes me in the air and flips me upside down in one swift move. My calves are over his shoulder and I'm left looking upside down at my family with my back to Blake's body. Hero starts growling and I hush him. I slap Blake's legs and he puts me back down on my feet.
We play 3 games altogether which we've all enjoyed. I am really tired and I don't know how I'm going to last the rest of the evening. We make our way to the arcade attached to the bowling area. I pull myself up and sit on the air hockey table whilst people play.
"Okay, I remember what you said Fatty. That you let me win the games. I need to test that theory because the way I remember it, I kicked your ass." I grin at Blake.
"Bring it on, I'll let you pick whichever game you like." I use my hand to gesture which game he wants to play. "But don't be a sore loser!"
"Hmm, well let's start with air hockey. Over here..." I look where Blake is looking and I slide off that table. Blake puts money in and he gets the disc out. I grab my puck and protect my goal. Blake hits the disc and we play head to head. Damon makes his way over to me and he stands really close to me.
He leans towards my ear, "Please put my brother in his place." he whispers in my ear. Well, I won't be able to if he is distracting me. After five minutes or so I manage to beat him, only just though. "Well done, baby."
I smile at Blake and he's pissed, "Rematch, don't hold back." I shrug, well I'm not dying of cancer this time so I will play my all again but I am on the verge of sleep. After hitting the disc back and forth I win again. "Again!"
"No Blake. I'm tired, I won fair and square. I made my point." He sulks but I couldn't possibly play again. I make my way to Sully and he reads my mind and picks me up. "Do you think that one day I won't need my best friend to carry me because I'm so exhausted?"
"One day but I like looking after you like this. I have loved seeing you genuinely happy today and not just faking a smile." I smile back at him and I shut my eyes.
When I wake Damon is lifting me out the car. "Oh, damn it," I grumble. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall asleep.
"It's been a long day baby. Let's go get some food." I groan, more food. He takes me inside and he looks around the room. He makes his way to a table and he sits me in a chair. I look in front of me and I see Stefan.
"Stefan?" I smile at him and he rewards me with a smile. Everyone takes a seat around us, what is Stefan doing here?
"Food plan remember? I need to be around at mealtimes to see your progress." I place my elbows on the table and I rest my chin on my hands. "You know how important this is."
"Yeah, yeah," I mutter. Still doesn't make it any easier. The waiter comes to the table with menus and I leave mine on the table. With Mr Organised here I won't get a choice of what I'm allowed to eat.
"Can I get you some drinks first?" the waiter looks at me first and I look at Stefan. Am I allowed to pick my drink?
"I'll have a vodka please." I smile at the waiter and he blushes. Well, I'm not flirting but I guess it's a pretty face I guess.
"No, she will have a glass of water and a glass of milk please." I roll my eyes. This is tiresome and it's only the first meal he's observing. The waiter takes everyone else's order.
"I thought you wanted me to have more calories? There are lots in alcohol." I wonder what I'm allowed to eat.
"You need a healthy balanced meal, Emmie. The first couple of days will be hard to adjust but you need me to help you with what is good and what isn't." I lean my weight on Damon next to me. Always so tired and my head hurts.
We all make easy conversations across the table until the waiter comes back to take our food order, "What can I get you?" he looks at me and I look at Stefan.
"She will have a child-sized portion of nut roast with baby potatoes and whatever green vegetables you have." Blah, that's boring at least it's child size. I shut my eyes and drift in and out of sleep.
"Baby, I need to get up to go to the toilet." I don't open my eyes. I'm too comfy to move, "Sully?" What has he got to do with it? I feel Damon move and I guess Sully takes his place and he puts his arm around me. He's so warm, I put my cold hands under his top and he stiffens.
"I got you," he whispers.
"Hmmm," I mumble. I drift back to sleep and I feel something brushes against my arm and my eyes fly open and I recoil into Sully's body. I look at what touched me and it was the waiter placing my food in front of me.
"Hey, it's okay." I look up at Sully and he's watching me. "I don't know how you knew when you were sleeping."
"I always know, Sully." I look at Damon and he's in Sully's seat glaring at the waiter. "I know your touch and Damon's it doesn't bother me. Whereas strangers it feels like someone is stabbing millions of needles all over my body. That will never change maybe it's just who I am. Maybe I would have been like this without my Daddy."
"I guess we will never know." I use my left hand to pick up my fork but I keep my weight on Sully and he keeps his left arm around me. I start moving a potato around on my plate. Why is this so hard? I mean I know I need to eat now but I still feel the same. Stefan places his hand over my hand to stop me playing with my food.
"Emmie, you need to stop doing that. It's a bad habit." I look at him and he releases my hand. I pick up a potato and I bite into it. "What is it about horses you like so much?" I eat the rest of the potato on my fork.
"They are loyal, it's like having a best friend that you know will never disappoint you. It's companionship." Why is he asking me that? I break the nut roast up with my fork and I put some in my mouth.
"Do you miss your horse?" Yes, I mean there are things in life I miss a lot more but I've always had a connection with Willow.
"Yes, of course, but I miss a lot of things. I miss the sun, I miss my horse, that was the best riding in the sun. I felt free, I can't wait to go home and see him." I take another mouthful. Stefan is eating his Macaroni cheese whilst talking to me. Everyone else is eating their food.
"Do you think you'll get your medical career when you are home?" I shrug, I don't know. I want to and I will try but everything gets in my way.
"One day for sure. I just want to get back on track first." I start feeling full but I keep eating anyway.
"You are Emmie. I meant what I said in that courtroom. I don't think there is anymore I can teach you from your past trauma anyway. You need to try not to overthink things. I think now is the time to set a life goal."
I shrug and finish my last mouthful. I put my fork down and hold my stomach. It feels too full, "Wait, you distracted me again didn't you?" Stefan laughs and I glare at him, I guess I'm easily distracted. I finish my milk that tastes vile with my meal. I stand up and my legs are wobbly. Sully puts his hand out and holds my arm so I stay upright.
I move out from the table and I hold onto Hero and walk towards the bathroom. After I've been to the loo I sit on the floor and Hero rests his head on my legs. I'm so tired and I'm not sure if I need to vomit yet. I rest my head and shut my eyes. "Emmie?" I snap my eyes open. I hear Damon knocking on my cubicle door. "Emmie, open the door please."
"Damon, what are you doing?" I say barely audible. Damon tries to open the door from the outside.
"Emmie, open the bloody door." I roll my eyes. He is so dramatic, "Fine, make sure you are out the way of the door." There isn't much room in here anyway. I put my hand out in fear he will hit my dog. Damon kicks the door open and the door bounces off my hand.
"You didn't need to kick the door open Damon. You need to learn to trust me." Hero starts growling and I hush him.
Damon kneels in front of me and he puts his hand on my cheek his hand is so warm, "Why are you on the floor? Did you vomit? Fall over?"
"Damon, I didn't vomit okay? My tummy hurts because it's full but I'm just so tired." He removes his hand from my cheek and he holds his hand out. I slide my hand in his and he pulls me to my feet. I walk to the sink and wash my hands. I spin on my feet to leave but I topple over but Damon grabs me at the last minute.
"I thought you'd get over this tripping once you slept," he picks me up and I curl up into his chest. I shut my eyes and drift asleep.
I wake when I'm being lowered into bed. I grip on to Sully's shirt so he doesn't leave. I can smell him all around me. "Emmie, calm down. Let me get undressed first." To anyone else that would sound dirty but not to me and my best friend. I release him and turn over. He pulls my boots off and he covers me with the duvet. Hero jumps on the bed and lays on my legs, "Damon is just putting the kids to bed."
I feel the bed dip behind me and I feel his warm bare chest on me. He puts one arm around me and the other around my head protecting me. This is my favourite sleeping position with Sully. It's not exactly a normal situation but it's my comfort in life. I've had the best evening and I can't wait for more.