Fading Scars

Chapter 23

Emmie

I wake to Sully lifting me out of my seat from the car. I grip hold of his neck, "Hero," I whimper and Sully kisses my hair.
"He's right behind us Emmie, sleep it's okay." Why do I feel so tired all the time? I rest my head in Sully's neck.
"Is she still tired? Maybe I should call Lucas, is this normal?" Damon says and he strokes my hair. I don't push him away because I'm too tired.
"She slept all the way here. I guess it wouldn't do any harm. I'll put her on the plane." I feel Sully moving and he places me on the chair and reclines it slightly. I feel hero on my lap and I reach for him. I fall back to sleep and when I wake I feel a bit better. I blink and look around the plane. Sully is sat in the row next to me on his own. Behind Sully is Ellie chatting to Damon. I watch them talking, I don't listen to what they are saying but Ellie is obviously flirting. I check on my kids and Lilly is asleep on Caleb and Thomas is on his phone at the back.
I look at Damon and Ellie again. I can't tell if Damon is oblivious to her flirting or he is encouraging it. She reaches up and touches his lip like she's getting something off his face and I explode. I get up and storm to the bathroom and slam the door. Hero scratches and whines at the door but I fall to the floor and sob into my hands. "Baby, are you okay?"
"Leave me alone Damon." I continue to cry into my hands, I don't want to see him right now. Whether he instigated that or not he didn't stop her that's for sure.
"What's wrong, why are you crying? Let me in or I'll have to break the door down." I can't handle being around him right now.
"Leave me alone. I want Sully." I hear him sigh and it goes quiet apart from Hero crying and scratching on the door. I uncontrollably cry into my hands.
"Emmie? Open the door." Sully says softly. I unlock the door and slide over and Hero jumps on my lap. At least someone is loyal to me. Sully sits next to me and pulls me towards him. "Talk to me."
"Why? Why would he travel with her in the car and now he's sat with her." I don't like people seeing me cry so I try and control my tears.
"Emmie, you're the one that keeps pushing him away. She is a nervous passenger so he is only being a gentleman. You are being very emotional Emmie. Are you sure everything is okay?"
"He doesn't normally let me push him away. Of course, she is that's why she touched his lip earlier is it? Because she's scared."
"Emmie, you went through an awful ordeal, he wants to give you space because he scares you. She did what?" Sully is angry right now. "Look, if you ask him to comfort you he will be there in a flash."
"I guess," he wipes my remaining tears and he pulls me to my feet. I walk out of the toilet and I glare at Ellie and she goes all red and awkward. I sit down and Hero sits on my lap again.
"Ellie, a word." Sully snaps. I watch them and Sully shuts the curtain to talk to her at the back. Damon comes to me and Hero growls.
"Emmie, what is going on with you?" I push Hero off my lap and I stand up. The only downside of Hero being so big. I drag Damon and make him sit in my seat so I can sit on top of him. Hero gets back up and lays his head on my lap. He growls again but I tell him to be quiet.
"Don't say anything. Just hold me, I guess I'm being stupid. I don't like sharing Damon," I curl up to him and he holds me.
"Neither do I baby. I'm yours, I promise." I used to believe that but what is Ellie? She's too close to him. At least this way, I can claim him as mine and he is with me. Sully returns to his seat and Ellie returns to her seat on her own and I smile. He's mine, she looks at me and she looks sad. Well tough shit, get your own husband.
"And I am yours." I mutter, "Even when you hurt me." I drift to sleep instantly. When I wake I get a banging headache. Is it all this sleeping when I shouldn't? My body aches but I guess that's sleeping on a plane and a car and on the swing. "How long do we have left?"
"Not long baby, another 30 mins or so." God, no wonder I have a headache I slept for nearly the whole 8-hour flight.
"Is there anywhere to get a drink. My head hurts," he frowns at me. I don't feel well at all but it's hardly surprising with what I've been through.
"Sure, what do you want?" I shrug. Anything will do. He presses a button and a flight attendant comes to us. "Can you get my wife some orange juice and some water please." I hold him tighter he knows me so well. The attendant nods and heads off to the front of the plane. "You okay?"
"I just think it's all catching up on me. Prison, the kidnap, being back, the triggers, the car journeys the plane journey. I'm so tired but it's hard to sleep." I've slept recently but that's because I've truly felt safe. I think the exhaustion has really worn me out pressuring me to sleep. The flight attendant hands me both the bottles.
I sip the orange juice and it's so refreshing that I gulp the whole bottle. I open the water and slowly sip on it. I look at Ellie who is watching us, I tilt my head and I kiss Damon and he responds instantly and deepens the kiss. Why is she doing this? I pull away and Damon kisses my face over and over and giggle.
We talk for the rest of the half an hour until the plane lands. The doors open and I stand up and I fall. Christ, why have I been falling so much? Damon helps me up and I walk off the plane and he keeps one hand on me just in case. Once my feet are on the ground I tell Hero to do his business. I don't care if he isn't allowed the poor little mite was probably desperate. I watch him because I don't have the lead on him. What if he ran away from me?
I am absolutely frozen, Damon hugs me from behind to try to warm me up, "Come on, get in the car. You'll warm-up," he pulls me to the car and I slide in. I call Hero and he runs to me. He's all wet from the snow and I shiver. Sully slides in next to me and I curse. I love Sully with me but I thought we got passed that. Caleb gets in the back and Sully starts the car. He fiddles around with the controls and heat blasts through the vents.
I slide my hands under Sully's top and he jumps out of his skin, "Fucking hell, Emmie. Why are you so cold?" he doesn't remove my hands though. He drives off towards the house. It's still light outside but it's different time zones. It was 2 pm departure and it's 4 pm in Canada. It would be 10 pm in Spain. It should be sleep time.
"I don't like the cold, Sully. Hence why I moved to Spain with my Daddy." Once I've warmed up a bit I place my hands on my head. My head hurts so bad.
"Are you feeling okay, Emmie?" I mutter in agreement, I'm good I'm just not coping too well with this transition. I don't feel safe here in Canada, I can't feel the soothing sun on my skin. Damon's been trying to reassure me about Ellie but I don't like her so close to my family. I don't want to have to fight for my family like this. I'm too tired for that, I am angry but before I would have shut myself away. When I felt Izzy was a threat I lost myself, I didn't voice my concerns not majorly anyway. I think I've come a long way to actually confront Damon the way I did.
Sully's phone beeps and he passes it to me, "Can you read it, I think it's from Damon?" I take the phone and I open the message.
"We are hungry so we are stopping for food before we go back, urgh why?" I groan. I'm so tired I need to lie down.
"Just because you're never hungry doesn't mean we don't get hungry." he tries to soften the mood. I look at Sully's lock screen and it's a picture of us together. We both look happy, I remember him taking this photo. I stare at it for ages.
"Who said I'm never hungry Sully? I get hungry it's my way of taking control of my life when I can't control everything else. When I'm scared or stressed my stomach feels like it's knotting and I couldn't possibly eat."
"Are you scared now, Emmie?" What sort of question is that? Nothing feels familiar here in Canada. I don't like being away from the sun.
"Yes, Sully. I am terrified, I don't want to be here. I want to go back to Spain. I need Damon but apparently mousey needs him more." I look at Sully and he's frowning at me. He slides a hand in mine.
"Emmie, you and your nicknames." he chuckles to himself. "Don't be scared, Emmie. I won't let anything happen to you."
"I thought my safety and happiness meant everything to him? I could probably have mousey on her ass in seconds. How can she protect me, so why is she here? It doesn't make sense Sully and it's only making me more confused. How am I supposed to be normal again when more things are building up that I don't understand? I will never lose myself like I did last time Sully but I can't help feeling like this. Something doesn't feel right Sully and I don't know what it is."
"Emmie, you are overthinking this. Just relax and enjoy this break away. You'll keel over before you're forty at this rate, Emmie." Am I overthinking? Does he think I'm overreacting? If this was reversed Damon wouldn't need to be so insecure because I can't handle touch. He's been with a lot of women maybe he's fed up of always needing to look after me. He probably doesn't even know what he needs, it's just an auto-response. Maybe it hasn't registered in his head yet but because I know him so well I can see it before he does.
We arrive at a pub and I get out. I'm still wet from Hero. I go to the boot and I find my suitcase and find some black jeans to change into. I zip up the case again and I find Hero's water and feed bowl and a serving of his feed. I walk into the pub with Sully and my family are sat around a big table. I put Hero's things on my seat for a second while I change. "Ma'am you can't bring a dog in here."
"Call me Ma'am again and I'll put you on your ass," I growl. Damon laughs and I glare at him, "He's my service dog, I'll sit outside in the cold if I must but I can guarantee he's the best-trained dog you'll ever see."
"Sorry miss, I saw you and it didn't even cross my mind that you'd need a umm...he can stay but if he puts a foot wrong he's out." the barman says. I lift one side of my lip up to agree and I walk to the bathroom to change my bottoms. I enter the cubicle and Hero squeezes in with me. He's so big that he takes up all the room. I go to the loo first and then peel the leggings from my legs. I remove my knee-high boot and change into the jeans. It's awkward pulling them up as they stick to my damp legs. Once I'm done I slide my boots on and I look in the mirror.
I look like utter shit as per usual. I wash my hands and head back into the main pub. I get to the bar and the barman looks at me, "Can I get you a drink to apologise?"
I lean on the bar, "Sure, I'd love one. Vodka please." I smile at him and he seems to look less awkward. I think I intimidated him earlier, oops.
"Coming right up for you, you beauty." I er, it's the same as someone calling me beautiful right? It just sounds different in Candian talk. I feel Damon's arm around me claiming what's his. Why is he doing this? Huh? Why is he claiming me when he's putting all of his time in mousey? The barman hands me my vodka and Damon leads me back to the table.
I'm sat at the end next to Sully of course I am. I put the glass on the table and I get out Hero's bowls and empty his food into his bowl. He must be thirsty, I go to the bar and ask for a glass a water and I tip it into his water bowl. That's Hero sorted, I sit down and I look around the table. I feel out of place with my own family. They are all chatting to each other and I'm on the outside again looking in. "Emmie, what are you eating?" Damon says. I down my vodka and I shrug.
"Salad, please and a vodka," he rolls his eyes and he gets up to order and Ellie helps him. I'm going to punch her in the face before this is over. I slide my hands up Sully's top again and he jumps.
"Shit, Emmie. Can you give me some warning before you do that please?" he takes off his coat and he puts it over me. I smile sweetly at him and he shakes his head in amusement. Damon returns with the drinks with mousey. I'm surprised Damon actually got me a vodka. He sits in front of me and Ellie sits next to him. I feel like the third wheel in this relationship. I bring my knees up to my chest and Hero whines and puts his head on my lap.
When the food arrives Damon puts a veggie lasagne in front of me. What is this? I asked for Salad because I knew I couldn't stomach food. "Don't argue Emmie, if you insist on drinking you need proper food. You haven't eaten today and you're wasting away in front of me." I put my hand on my temple and rub it. Wasting away? What the fuck is he talking about? I pick up the fork and angrily eat it.
Ellie is talking to Damon and she plays with her fork in her mouth whilst she talks to him and they laugh together whatever they are chatting about. I finish my food and I curl up to Sully and he lifts his arm so I can comfortably lean on him, he's so warm. I watch them for ages until I can't stomach it anymore. I get up from the table and Damon grabs my hand. "Where are you going?"
I swallow trying to keep the food down, "I need the loo," I say trying to stop being sick. He releases my hand I march to the loo. I lock the cubicle behind us and I vomit. It hurts my head vomiting but I've been through worse. This is nothing, once my stomach is empty I head to the sink to wash my mouth out trying to mask the smell. I head out the loo and a guy is watching me leaning against the pool table.
I walk over to him and lean on the pool table and he comes closer to me, "You want to buy me a drink hotshot?" I smile and tilt my head.
"Most definitely, what you having?" he doesn't touch me but I can already feel Hero ready to pounce.
"Vodka please." I take his cue stick off him and he grins at me. I pull myself onto the table to perch on it. I need to lay down but Damon wanted some food. He returns and he passes me the glass and I thank him.
"You play?" he eyes up the pool table. I played a few times with Danny in arcades when I was younger.
"I've played a couple of times, why are you challenging me?" he sets up the table and I watch him whilst he does it. Once he's done he gives me first shot. I down my drink and I put my glass on the bar. I return and I bend over onto the table watching him as I go. I Line up the hit and I use what little strength I have and I sink some balls. "Stripes," I say to him and he looks impressed. I walk towards him and I bend over in front of him and I sink another ball.
"Hmm, I think you've played more than a couple of times. You have a real poker face." I shrug and sink another ball. I lean right over the table to take the next shot.
I use all my concentration, "Emmie, for fuck sake." Damon growls and I miss my bloody shot. I was on a roll. Damn it, he's not happy well good. I'd rather have company from a stranger than watch him with mousy.
"Who's that?" the guy says. I get off the table and I lean the stick on the table. I roll my eyes and Damon comes towards me and grabs my arm.
"My overreacting husband." I snap. Hero growls but I don't stop him. Damon pulls me back to our table and puts me into my chair like a kid.
"Overreacting, Emmie? Are you kidding me? You have a track record of drinking with guys in a bar. He was flirting with you and you were encouraging it."
"Hmm, well makes a change that it's me and not you." I snap. He glares at me and I glare back.
"What does that mean?" I don't answer him and he sighs, "Is everyone finished?" I think he wants to take me back to the house where I won't cause more trouble. Everyone gets up and I pick up my vodka glass that I didn't drink and I hold it to my lips and I smile and Damon looks like he's going to murder someone. They say that people we love makes us the most angry right? I down it before he can stop me and I stand up. I don't feel drunk, since I became Psycho I built up some tolerance. I know it's been a while since that happened but I don't get drunk like I used to. I walk out from the table and I fall on my hands and knees.
Why do I keep falling? I gather up Hero's bowls whilst on the floor and Damon pulls me up. He might be mad at me but he still cares. When we get outside I tip the water on the floor and stack the bowls together. Sully takes the bowls from me and Damon ushers me into the car, "Can I trust you to not get into any more trouble until we get to the house?"
"I don't know Damon, it depends how much you actually trust me." I snap and he curses and slams the door and I jump and hold my ears. Hero whines and puts his front end on my lap. I pat him, it's okay boy. I reassure him that I'm not having a blackout.
Sully slides in next to me, "Why are you fighting more than normal, Emmie? We just got you back and you are fighting like cats and dogs."
"I'm so tired, my body hurts and my head hurts and I'm scared. He's not making me feel safe Sully. Not like he normally would."
"Because of your trauma Emmie. He scares you because of what the arsehole did to you. The Doc said you'll be disorientated for a while, you need to sleep."
"No, it doesn't feel like the trauma, Big guy. It feels like something else, something is wrong." I say. I don't know what but I can feel it in my bones. I don't understand what's happening. We sit in silence for the rest of the journey until we pull up on the drive and I get out the car. I tell Hero to explore, I head to the boot and I try to pull my case and I end up flying on my ass in the snow.
"Why are you so Stubborn, Emmie? I'll get your case." he picks me up but he doesn't release me. He walks into the house and he places me on the sofa. I'm really wet again, I hate this cold weather. Sully takes my bags upstairs and Hero sits by feet. I look at my phone and it's 8 pm Candian time. I'm so tired, "Right listen up everyone, kids usual rooms. Ellie, you're first room on the right and Sully you are in the room down here. "Kids I'd like you to get some sleep. It's really late in Spanish time." They nod and they head up the stairs.
Ellie excuses herself too and she makes her way up the stairs. Damon picks me up and he carries me up the stairs. He opens the door and I see Mousey in our room. She's undressing and I curse. Damon puts me down and he just keeps staring. "You have 2 seconds to get out of my room before I kick you into next week."
Ellie jumps and she tries to cover herself up, "Er Boss I'm sorry. I thought this was my room." Oh yeah, so when he said first door on the right it sounded like the last door on the right, does it? I don't listen but even I got that.
"It's okay Ellie but yours is the room by the stairs." he still doesn't stop looking. I grab her clothes from the bed and I throw them at her and Hero starts growling. She catches them before they fall and she runs out the room. "Emmie give her a break will you?" I slam the door and I look at Damon.
"Are you kidding me?" I take a breath, "You know what? Fine, if that's what you want." I drag my suitcase into the bathroom and I lock the door. Damon tries to come in but he can't. I run a bath, I'm so cold. I don't like it here nothing is making me feel safe. Once I have a soak, I get out the bath and wrap a towel around me. Give her a break? Is he serious?
I unzip my suitcase and I look through to find what to wear. I eye up my lingerie set, you know what? Yes, this is what I need. I need him to see only me, I dry myself and I put the set on. I grab my silk dressing gown from the case and I take it with me. I unlock the door and I chuck it on the chair by the door. He looks at me and his jaw drops open and I grin. Mission achieved, he makes his way to me but I won't let him touch me. "Wow, Emmie."
"Yeah, well. You see this?" I gesture my body with my hands, "This is out of bounds to you." he takes a step back and scowls like he doesn't understand.
"What the fuck? Why would you put this fucking amazing outfit on and say I can't touch you?" he's pissed, good so am I.
"I'm just showing you what you are missing. All the while you put Ellie before me. This is what you are missing." I lean against the wall to help support me.
"Why are we talking about Ellie again?" he clenches his fists. "Look Emmie, she's just a girl that is a bodyguard. She's good because I trained her myself."
"You did what?" I shout. Why would he train her and refuse to train his wife? Tears fall down my face, "So you are happy to train mousey whilst I'm missing and being tortured but you wouldn't train your wife! You gave me Liam, Damon. Do you know what I had to endure with that? He was too close to me and he was talking dirty in my ear but I guess at least he was around more than you."
"I'm going to fucking kill him. Emmie, she was struggling she needed the extra help. You, you're strong you don't need me to teach you."
"I'm not fucking strong Damon." Hero growls at Damon, "I always need you and recently all your attention has been on her. She would never be able to protect me, so why is she really here?"
Sully walks into the room without knocking and he does a double-take at me and then his eyes fix on me. "Oh Wow," Sully says blushing at me. He strokes the back of his head and it's so cute, "You both okay? Sounds like you are going to kill each other?"
"Get the fuck out Sully." Sully still continues to stare at me not quite registering what Damon's growled at him.
"No, Sully wait. Maybe Sully would like to join us." I shrug and tilt my head against the wall and Sully is still watching me and I grin.
"Don't fucking push me, Emmie." I look at Damon and I bite my lip just to annoy him. He's pushing me to the max to make me act like this.
"What is going on?" Sully scratches his head. I shrug and Damon walks to the chair and grabs my dressing gown and he chucks it at me. I catch it and then I throw it back on the chair. He's literally going to hit the roof right now.
"I'm showing Damon what he's missing. I'm tired of feeling second best, maybe Sully would like to put me first." I put my hand on my hip and wink at Sully.
"Sully, close your fucking eyes." he sighs at me, "Emmie, you're overreacting." No, I'm not, I know I'm not. Sully covers his eyes with his hands.
"Are you worrying about Ellie again? Why can't you let this go Emmie?" because it's right in front of my eyes.
"Well, when she turns up in my bedroom almost naked and Damon can't stop staring then I find it hard to keep my temper."
"She did what?" Sully says shocked. I refuse to believe that I am overreacting here. If it weren't Sully stood here and it was some else staring at me they would be dead.
"I was not staring Emmie, for fuck sake. She got the wrong room, it's an easy mistake." Not really. "I've had enough of this, get the fuck out." I see Sully leave and I shrug and go to walk out the door. "Not you Emmie."
"Bite me." Damon covers the door with his body so I can't escape. He pulls me towards him and our fronts are touching.
"I want to bite down your neck," he whispers in my ear but doesn't touch me with his lips, "I want to kiss every inch of your body." I gasp and he hasn't touched me yet. "I want to feel your amazing body. I want to touch what is mine," he growls into my ear. He slides his hand between my legs and pushes my feet apart with his. He slides his fingers underneath my panties and then his fingers are inside me and I call out quietly. I can feel him grinning by my ear.
"This isn't over," I pant and that only makes him move his fingers harder and faster. I grip his neck with my arms so I don't collapse on the floor.
"Oh, baby but it is, I'm done talking about this." he removes his fingers and he lifts me up and takes me to the bed and he climbs on top of me. How does he do this to me? I've forgotten what we were fighting about and it's me and him in this moment and I surrender to him once more. I am all tired out once we've finished. I lay on top of him and he holds me whilst I try to sleep.
When I wake I feel disoriented. What's going on? I feel cold, Hero cries and jumps on the bed on top of me. I'm on my back and Damon is gone. Why would he leave me? I get up and find my lingerie that Damon scattered around the room. I put on my dressing gown and grab my phone then I head out the bedroom. I hear voices so I follow them, I peer through the slatted bannister looking onto the huge open planned living room and see Damon on the sofa talking with Ellie.
I sit in the corner in the dark so they can't see me. Hero lays on my lap comforting me, I watch them both drinking out of beer bottles. They are sat rather close to each other. "I'm sorry Boss about what happened. I'm so embarrassed."
He places a hand on her shoulder, "Honestly Ellie don't worry about it, it was an easy mistake."
"Is Emmie okay? She looked upset and I heard her shouting for a while." he removes his hand from her shoulder.
"I hate her sometimes, her mind reacts differently to others. Sometimes I can see what she's thinking and others I just don't know where things come from. She's been through a lot so it's hardly surprising."
Ellie places her hand on Damon's arm to comfort him, I pull my phone out and I zoom in and take a picture of them. I need evidence for someone to believe me. "Do you ever wish you never met her?" Why would she ask that and why is he so calm?
"Sometimes, I mean my life would be a lot simpler. She makes my life hell sometimes." I do? Tears fall down my face. I don't know if I can hear anymore. "But when she's in the room all those feeling disappear. I started this gang to revenge my first girlfriend but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I stopped trying to find revenge the moment I met her. And now no matter how much revenge I get from the people that hurt Emmie it's never enough. I work tirelessly to protect her, the gang is now fueled by her. My team used to question everything I used to do and now they ask me is that enough? Is that enough punishment for what they did to Emmie. I'm not the only one that cares anymore, my gang worship her."
She moves her hand from his arm, "Does it not bother you how close she is with Sully and your brother and the other guys. Didn't look like she was trying to hide her flirting earlier." What is she trying to do? Turn my husband against me?
"Sure it does, it makes my blood boil. I hate how they are all over her, I still haven't decided if she knows it and she likes it or she just doesn't see it." I see it, Damon, I see people take the piss out of me saying I'm beautiful but I don't like it. I thought he knew me better than anyone. "I remind myself that she only accepts my touch and she pushes them away but it doesn't make me any less jealous. She is so close to Sully that in someways it breaks me but others I am so delighted she finds comfort from someone else. She needs that, she needs some normality in life. And well I guess Sully and I share everything, even girls before." I hold my mouth and gasp. Like a threesome with Sully and another girl? I don't know what to say. I'm shocked.
"You shared girls with Sully?" She seems shocked too. I stroke Hero to try process what I'm hearing.
"It was before Emmie when I was trying to find something. Some meaning in life, we'd go to pubs most nights picking up girls. It didn't mean anything, I didn't even see their faces. I was lost back then, I was young and stupid. Sully is my best mate and we share things, why not girls? When I met Emmie though that all stopped. I'd found what I'd been looking for and it was a breath of fresh air to break that meaningless cycle. But my wife is the only thing I hate sharing with him but I do it because it makes her happy." Tears continue to fall down my face. Why is he sharing this with her? He's never confessed this to me, I always feel like the last to know these things.
I look at my phone and I look at the time, it's 11 pm so that would make it 5 am in Spain. I scrowl through my contacts and press ring. I bring the phone to my ear, "Ahh, fuck. Hello?" he sounds sleepy, I think I must have woke him.
"I'm so scared, I need your help," I whisper, watching them making sure they don't hear me. I sniff trying to stop the tears.
"Fatty? Is that you? Why are you crying?" I feel like everyone is turning against me and I'm crying wolf.
"I don't feel safe here Blake, I want to go back to Spain but he won't let me. I'm really scared and Damon's bodyguard is stealing him away from me."
"Who the fuck is this bodyguard Emmie? You need to sleep, it's early. Wait I guess it's late for you though. Get some sleep that's the doctor's orders."
"I'm too scared to sleep Blake. He's trying to fix but he's the one breaking me. I miss you, Blake."
"Just try to sleep, Emmie, it will be okay I promise. I miss you too Emmie. I'll speak to you soon okay?" I hang up and hold my phone.
"You should try get some sleep, Ellie. I'll see you in the morning." they both stand up and Ellie hugs him. Fuck, I quickly take a picture and Damon is hugging her back. They release each other and Ellie heads for the stairs, I push Hero off me and run back the bedroom. I sit on the large loveseat chair and curl up on it and Hero lays on me.
I close my eyes and a few minutes later I hear the door click open and close. I smell him near me and Hero starts growling. "Bloody dog." he groans. I feel a blanket place over us and I can't smell him anymore. After a while, I open my eyes and I look at him, he's asleep in the bed. He's so beautiful and peaceful whilst he's sleeping. I push Hero off me and I quietly walk out of the room. Things are making less and less sense to me.
I hold Hero's harness and we walk downstairs. The coast is clear and the lights are all off now. I end up falling whilst walking past the sofa. Ow, I pull myself up and I walk to the front door and I place my hand around the handle, "Emmie, what are you doing?" Sully whispers.
I turn my head to look at him but keep my hand on the handle, "Emmie doesn't know anymore." he closes the distance between us and he slides his hand across my cheek and his fingers sweep into my hair.
"Emmie, you need to sleep. Where you going outside you'll catch a cold." I shrug I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
"A cold is the least of my problems right now." he picks me up and he takes me to the sofa and he sits in the corner and he lays down with me between the couch and him.
"You're fucking freezing Emmie, one sec." he gets up and he walks to his bedroom. I stay where he left me and he returns with his duvet. He resumes his earlier position and he covers us with the duvet and I put my head on his chest. Hero jumps on us both and puts his head on me. "Have you been crying?"
"It doesn't matter anymore, I don't trust my judgement on anything anymore." I don't feel like anyone is on my side anymore so I'm not going to tell anyone what I'm feeling. They all seem like they are against me.
"I trust your judgement. You need to sleep and I'm going to stay awake all night until you fall asleep." I don't understand anything anymore. I'm starting to feel numb again, my body aches and my head still hurts. Something is wrong, I know it but what? I talk to Sully for hours, I can't sleep. I can't stop these thoughts until darkness takes over.
I hear faint voices and I groan. My head is throbbing, someone starts stroking my hair and I stir, "Hey," Sully says. I grumble back, my eyes feel sore from crying. How long did I sleep for?
"You okay baby?" Damon says and I nod. I have to make them see that I am okay when I don't feel okay, "So, we are going out for breakfast and then we are going skiing and then we need to swing by the pharmacy before it closes." I nod and get up and Hero gets off me. I take him outside, it's freezing but who cares? I watch him while he sniffs around in the snow. Once he's finished her returns to me and we head inside. I find his bowls and I fill up his water bowl and give him his breakfast.
I head upstairs and find something warm to wear. I take my pills and once I'm done freshening up I head downstairs, I trip over my feet on the last step and Damon picks me up off the floor and Hero starts growling. "Is everyone ready to go?" Damon keeps me in his arms and I look around the room. Everyone looks ready to go and they head out the door.
Damon walks out of the house and locks the door. He places me in the seat of Sully's car. He puts my seat belt on and Hero jumps in the car but he stays on the footwell. He's always wet in Canada because of the snow. I look at Sully and I hold my hand out to him and he takes it. My hand is shaking but I can't tell if it's because it's cold or I'm just that scared of whatever this is.
Sully follows Damon in the front car, I have no idea where we are going to eat. I'm running on zero energy and it sounds like a long day. We arrive at a small cafe and we sit at a large table and a waiter comes towards us, "I'm sorry but we don't allow dogs in here."
I don't have the energy for arguing and I stand up, "What about a service dog? He won't be an issue. My wife needs to eat but she also needs her dog." Damon says grabbing my hand so I don't leave.
"Erm, I guess it should be fine sir as long as he doesn't cause trouble." I roll my eyes and sit down, I'm not in the mood today. "Is everyone ready to order or shall I come back?"
"Are we ready?" Damon asks everyone and they all nod. "I'll have a cooked breakfast and a coffee." Damon says and I block out everyone's orders, "Emmie?" I put my hands on my head, "Emmie, what are you having?"
"Orange juice and a coffee please," I mutter in annoyance to his constant nagging. I need to go back to Spain, I'm miserable.
"Emmie, what food are you having?" I don't want any food Damon, "You're testing my patience already Emmie. She'll have some pancakes." The waiter leaves and Damon glares at me, "What is going on with you Emmie?"
"Emmie doesn't know anymore." Damon gasps at me and I wonder what I said. He grabs my hand.
"Why have you started speaking in third person again?" I didn't know that I did, "Baby, talk to me, are you okay?"
"I didn't know I did Damon. I'm fine, stop fussing." I get my phone out and I start flicking through my phone. I watch Ellie flirt with Damon again, the way she's biting her lip and Damon doesn't take his eyes off her. I take another picture and put my phone away. The food and drinks arrive a while later and I drink my orange juice trying to control my headache.
"Emmie, eat something. Please," I pick up my fork and my hand shakes all over the place and the fork slips from my hand. Damon picks it up and puts it in my hand and clasps my hand shut. I try to keep my hand still but it only makes it worse. I take a mouthful of the pancakes and I hold my hand over my mouth. I hate that I can't stop Mousey from seeing me like this. I don't want to be the fragile child of the family but I can't stop it. I keep shovelling it until I can't eat anymore. Ellie puts her hand on Damon's wrist and I gag.
I can't stomach this, this morning, I stand up and Damon grabs my hand and looks at me, "I need the loo, Damon. Is that allowed?" I snap and he frowns and releases my hand. I make my way to the bathroom and I vomit into the toilet again. Once my stomach is empty I collapse on the floor and lean my back and head on the wall. Hero pushes between my legs to comfort me. I don't know where I would be without this dog.
I look into his eyes and he's giving me this confidence, I pull myself up and flush the chain. I wash my hands and wash my mouth out. When I return I sit and sip my coffee, I lean into Sully. I'm tired and I don't understand. I won't let whatever this is break me. When everyone finishes we head back to the car. We head towards the ski slopes, I normally enjoy skiing but it's been so long and I don't feel like myself.
I refuse to shut my eyes even for a minute. When we arrive I get out the car. I hold onto Hero for support. Damon kisses my head and puts his arm around me. We walk into the resort together and it seems empty today. Everyone lines up to get their equipment, I wait at the back behind them all. When it gets to my turn, I walk up to the desk, "Hi, what size do you need?"
"What size do you go up to?" he frowns at me. I don't want to be bursting out of it or feel uncomfortable.
"We go up to a 2 XL. You need to go to your own size clothing for you to be comfortable." Yeah, what's he trying to say?
"Yeah, I am. I'm trying to think if a 2XL will be big enough. I don't want to be restricted on the slopes. I guess that will have to do."
"Ma'am I can't give you that size, it would hang off you. It wouldn't be safe." I roll my eyes, he's pissing me off.
"Look, if I want that size you should give it to me. How can I ski if they are too tight?" Damon puts his arm around me.
"Is this a joke?" The guy says to Damon. "I can't give her that size, I mean look at her." I clench my fists and Damon puts his hand over my balled hand.
"Sorry, she will take the XS." The guy nods and hands over my equipment. I look at Damon and my mouth drops open. He grabs my jaw, "Baby," he sighs and he puts his forehead on mine. He starts helping me in the clothes and I'm horrified. "Trust me, you'll fit in it." I hold my arms out so he can put the stupid Jacket on.
I hold his shoulders whilst he puts the bottoms on. He stands up and he leans towards my ear "I'd rather be undressing you." I gasp. He doesn't need to touch me and he makes me feel this way. He kisses my lips and he goes to sort himself out. I put on the boots and place the mask on my head. My eyes are still sensitive but I haven't needed my glasses. Maybe that's why I've got a headache. I take a deep breath I'm not up for this at all.
I grab the skis and the poles, I'm clumsy at the minute how can I ski? We walk out of the building and I drop the skis on the floor and I clip the boots in. My legs wobble, I haven't had this whilst skiing before. I use the sticks to support myself. I push myself forwards and I feel a sense of achievement because I stayed on my feet.
I slide down the slope and I watch everyone ahead. I'm always being left behind with my family. They are living their life in the fast lane and I'm in the slow lane. We ski until we get to the next section and Ellie flies into Damon and they topple over together. She stays on top of him for longer than I'd like. I slowly stop and I take my phone out to take another picture. Sully helps them both up. He was looking into her eyes and I'm just a spare part just slowing them down.
I go down the next slope on my own leaving them behind. The quicker we get this over with the better. My legs feel like Jelly and my legs give way and I topple over at speed. I roll for a little while until I come to a stop. Shit, that hurt. "Emmie?" Sully is behind be helping me up. I get to my feet and I hold my head. "That was bad, are you okay?"