Fading Scars

Chapter 38

Emmie

I don't sleep much anymore. It's been two days since I was discharged. Damon is resting in Sully's room and Sully sleeps on the sofa. All under the same roof again like the kids wanted. I sit on my sofa in my bedroom looking out on the night sky. It's late or early in the morning, I have no idea. I'm no closer at making a decision. I'm so cold that my whole body is shaking.
I really need to sleep and I have no hope on my own. It's been two days since I properly slept, Sully always makes sure I'm asleep before he leaves. I know Sully is suffering just as much as I am. I stand up and I hold onto Hero, although I don't fall over anymore I still need him for support and I'm exhausted. I walk out of the bedroom and make my way down the dark hall and down the stairs. The last thing I need is a trip to the hospital because I was roaming in the dark.
I see Sully sleeping on his back on the sofa. The first thing I notice is his vibrant pink hair. I just want to run my fingertips through it. I carefully walk over to him and I crawl over him so I'm laying on my side between the back of the sofa and Sully. He stirs but doesn't wake, I rest my head on his shoulder and I begin to relax. Would he let me sleep with him if he was awake?
I hate that he's giving me space because my best friend Sully would sleep in the same bed as me. I smell Sully all around me and I drift asleep.
I'm at the hotel again and I'm standing behind Damon by the pool again with Zane pointing his gun at Damon. I put my arms around Damon from behind him not that this will protect him. I hear the gunshot and we fall to the ground. I shut my eyes blocking out the pain of Damon getting shot. Damon is so heavy that he's pinning me to the ground. I try pushing him off me but I can't.
Sully gets Damon off me and I'm covered in blood. My heart is racing and I look at Damon on the floor. I push myself up and crawl to him and I see the bullet wound on his head and blood pooling on the floor around him. He's dead and there is nothing I can do to save him. The shot is so final, no chance or hope. I cry into his neck, why did this happen? He may as well have put a bullet in my heart for how it feels, the pain is excruciating.
The love of my life is dead and my heart has gone along with it. Tears stream down my face and I grab Damon's gun and I walk in the direction of Zane with no emotion on my face only the tears that drop from my eyes. He killed my husband and he will pay for it. I see the guard at the entrance to the pool. I hold my gun to his head, "Where is Zane?" he holds his hands up in the air in defeat.
"In his room...Panic room." Panic room what a pansy. "Please, don't shoot me." I roll my eyes, I shoot him in the head and I walk to the elevator. No regret, no fear. I just need revenge for my husband. I enter the elevator and I press the top floor, I play with my ring, the sacred gift that binds us for life. The doors ping open and I walk to his door. I kick his door in and I call for him but he's a coward.
"Come out Zane. Are you really going to hide from a girl?" I search each room but I leave the bedroom until last. When I reach the bedroom he comes out of the panic room to face me. "I guess you aren't the coward I thought you were."
"I killed the deadliest gang leader in Spain," he says smugly. I shake my head. "I will take over the country. I killed Damon fucking Rider!"
"Nope, no one is more deadly than me sweetheart," I hold the gun up and I shoot him in the head and I jolt awake. My heart is racing and I sit up trying to breathe. I'm back in my own room in bed. Sully must have carried me up here before he went to work. I must have been tired if I slept through that. I get up and make sure it was all a dream it all still feels so real. I walk across the hall and I enter Sully's room. Damon is lying peacefully on his back asleep nearest the door. I walk over to the other side of the bed and I lay as far away from Damon without falling off. I watch his chest going up and down for ages.
I take in everything about him, his scent always hits me first, his smell that just has me in ecstasy and wraps me in an impregnable bubble. His perfect face, his soft lips, his smokey blue eyes that can look into my soul, the eyes that make me melt.
"Emmie," he mumbles and he turns his head and looks at me. His strange spidey senses knew I was close. "What's wrong?"
"I had a nightmare that Zane killed you. I had to make sure..." I crawl closer to him and I pull the covers down his body to examine his wound on his stomach. I peel back the dressing and I lightly skim the stitches, it's healing nicely. He groans and I look at him.
"It's okay baby, I'm here. I'm alive... you saved me. It's sore but you didn't hurt me. It feels like a long time since you touched me." I close the dressing and withdraw my hand but he grabs my wrist and he rests my hand on his tattoo over his heart. "I don't remember getting the tattoo but it's something I would do because you a permanent part of my life."
"It's has been a long time Damon. I lose time but I'd say about a month. You don't remember our last time but I do... I knew it would be the last time and I'm not sure why I let it happen. I was crying all the way through, I wanted you to stop but my body was reacting to you like it always does. When you remember though, you'll need to have it removed and have Alex in its place."
"Fuck sake, Emmie. It's never going to be Alex! Why the hell would I do this to you?" I remove my hand from his chest even though the feel of his heart is soothing it means he's alive and it was just a dream.
He shifts his weight and he is on top of me taking his weight on his elbows trying not to put any pressure on his abdomen I'd imagine. I shut my eyes, "It hurts..."
"I want you so fucking much baby. Please, let me kiss you. It's been so long."
I hold my breath, he nuzzles my nose and I am consumed by him. I can't think clearly, my head is full of him and only him. I put my hands on his face and I pull him to my lips. I've missed his lips on mine. I gasp at the connection between us. The way our lips lock like they are perfectly entwined. He moves I move. He breaks the kiss and places soft kisses on my neck. 'Forget her Damon, you don't need her. All that sex, I bet she wasn't that adventurous.' Alex's voice floods my head. I push Damon away and he sits up.
"What baby?"
"I can't," I don't want to be constantly reminded of the pain. Will I ever get past this? Am I being too sensitive about this?
"You can baby, your body is telling me a different story." he skims my side with his fingers and I gasp at the connection and how it ignites my whole body.
"Yes, I know okay. It's not a good thing Damon, not anymore. All I think about is you... you could make me do literally anything and I don't want to."
"Emmie, you don't ever do anything you don't want to do, so what does that tell you? You want this, I want this. I miss you so much, this is the only thing I know. This is how we make up, this is how we really connect." I knew this, I felt this way before he broke me. It's going to take me a long time to trust again.
"You are like a drug to me Damon, if I taste you I won't be able to stop. I want to, I really do. I just don't know how."
"You've never pushed me so far away before. You let Sully touch you, I just don't understand."
"Damon, you need to understand my love for you is... indescribable. You own my heart, it will always be yours. Only you can hurt me this bad because I love you more than anything. If I didn't love you so damn much maybe it wouldn't be this hard. With Sully, I can think with my head and my heart. It's easy but you're so intense that I can't think clearly."
"What can I do baby? You are mine and I don't like any man touch you even if it's my best friend. I can't share you, it hurts me to think of him touching what is mine." he growls, "You are mine, Emmie. How do I get you back because I feel like you are too far away for me to reach? You may as well have left me there to die because if I don't have you then I may as well be."
"Don't say that! Don't talk about dying, please. I don't know what to tell you... I don't know myself if I did then I'd do it in a heartbeat."
"Would you, even after how you feel about Sully?"
"Yes, of course... if you weren't the one then I would have given you up when I kicked you out. I'd want a divorce and move on but I can't."
"Please, let me show you how much I truly need you," he inches his face closer to mine and his lips mould mine. I'm consumed by him once more. He shifts his weight and he slides his hand under my shorts and I squirm. My body is screaming for him. Every fibre of my being is responding to him. The time apart has made it stronger. He kisses my neck and his fingers slide inside me and I call out. Feeling his fingers inside me makes my body tingles and I can't control the pleasure.
My body is building and I close my eyes and I see Damon flipping Alex onto her stomach on his desk, "Stop!" I whimper and Damon stops immediately. He sits up again and I keep my eyes closed containing my pain. I hold my breath again trying to recover my equilibrium. I miss his hands on me but I can't.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you baby." I open my eyes and let out a breath, I look at his beautiful eyes. All I see is pain in his eyes and my pain doubles with the burden of his.
"I'm sorry, I want this... I do. My body is calling for you. I need time..." he gets off me and I climb off the bed and I walk out of the room without looking at his face. It would probably hurt me more if I do. I head to my bedroom and I grab my phone and I press call.
"Emmie, you okay?"
"Hey, Lex. Can you do me a favour?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Can you come over and watch Damon for me? I need to go out."
"Sure, I'll be right over."
"Thanks, I'll see you soon." I hang up and I walk into the bathroom and I have a shower. I'm so glad I stopped him. He may be my everything but it's not what I wanted. Well it was, I crave for him to touch me but I'm going to need time to know he won't hurt me again. I can't let him in again and have him crush me further. Once I'm out the shower I call Blake to meet me at the safe house.
I dress in my workout clothes and put some trainers on and I go downstairs to feed Hero. I let him out in the garden once he's eaten. It's only been two days and I am going out of my mind being here all day. I contemplate eating but my stomach is in knots.
The doorbell goes and I walk to the front door. I open it and Lexi hugs me and I return her hug. "Hey, Lex. Do you think you could get Damon something to eat? He hasn't eaten and I need to get going."
"Sure, how's he doing?"
"Fine but he's hating being bed-bound. Maybe he will know what I felt like when I've been on bed rest."
"Is he any closer to winning you back yet?" I shrug, I'm not ready to discuss this with her.
"It's complicated, Lex. Call me if you need to go and I'll come back." She nods and I go to grab my keys but they aren't there. Damn it, I guess I'm still not allowed to drive. I eye up Damon's car keys for a moment and I grab them as I leave the house. I unlock his car and I slide in after Hero.
I have to slide the seat forward so I can reach the pedals. Who's going to kill me first? Damon or Sully or hey even Dyno? Oh well, I'm not as sick as I was. I put my seatbelt on and I start the car, I pull out of the drive and head for the safe house. I haven't driven since before my surgery. After ten minutes or so I pull up in the car park and I get out.
I press the code in and it clicks open. I head straight to the gym and I see Blake standing there waiting. "You called Fatty?"
"I need training. I want you to teach me more of one on one fighting."
"Are you well enough?"
"Sure... course. Are you going to teach me or what?" he thinks it over for a while and he shrugs.
"Fine."
Blake teaches me a lot in half an hour or so. I've had him on his ass a few times. It's been good to get some exercise. I like fighting one on one, it really has helped me when going undercover. It makes me feel like I can protect myself. "What the hell is going on?" Sully growls. I jab Blake in his ribs and he gets distracted and I flip him on his ass. "Emmie, what the hell?"
"What?" I say innocently to try calm him down.
"Blake, get up and get out. She not to be doing this again." Blake stands up and he leaves the room. I roll my eyes, I need to be doing something!
"Emmie, you need to be resting, you heard the Doc."
"I'm going crazy at home, Sully. I need to do something physical," he comes towards me and I hold my hands up on his chest again. He's always gone to hold me but I can't let him in.
"How can I leave you knowing you'll do something like this?"
"What does it matter Sully?"
"Of course it matters Emmie. I still care about you, I try and put you first but you seem to come back to me. When did you join me last night?"
"I don't know, I don't sleep without you. I was fed up of looking at the lonely night sky another night."
"You haven't been sleeping?" he looks surprised.
"No," he should know this.
"What about eating?"
"No..."
"Emmie, why?"
"I told you, I can't eat or sleep without you. I'm not going to force you to be with me. I need you but it's not enough...I'm not enough."
He grabs my wrists and he pulls them away from his chest, "It's all in your head babe. You don't need me, you just think you do. It's just another aversion to food."
"I do need you. I don't feel safe without you," he pushes me against the wall and he lifts my hands above my head and he holds my wrists in one hand. He cups my face with his other hand and he kisses me. I want him, I need him. I wish he made me feel what Damon makes me feel but this is more than enough for me. I remove a hand from his hold and I grab his top and I lift it over his head. He has to release my hands to let me do it.
He lifts me up and he uses the wall to keep me in place. I wrap my arms and legs around him. "You sure, you want this?" I nod. We lose ourselves in each other. It's as easy as breathing with Sully. Space between us hasn't worked. He slides his fingers through mine against the wall. We are connected and are as one with each other.
We lay on our sides looking at each other. We are so close and we are touching with our fronts. Sully lays with his back to the door. The floor is quite comfy as Damon has soft gym flooring in here. Sully strokes my back and I stroke his ass with my cast hand. I'm fed up this cast now. "Is Damon on his own?"
"No, I called Lexi. I had to get out of there."
"Why what happened?"
"I had a nightmare."
"Okay, what was the nightmare?"
"That Zane killed him. Then I went on a rampage and killed him and I didn't care. It felt like when Damon died in my dream that my heart died too and I was cold. Colder than Psycho because I think deep down she cared but I didn't in my dream."
"If Damon died you could never turn cold. Ever."
"I don't know... I had to check he was still alive so I watched him sleep for ages and then he woke up."
"Okay?"
"He kissed me. I felt trapped, my body wanted him but my head was saying no. All I could see or hear was Alex."
"Did you have sex with him?" Sully looks hurt.
"No. I couldn't, I mean Damon did try. He doesn't like me with you. He doesn't want to share me."
"What do you mean he tried?"
"Sully... I don't know why you ask because it only hurts you."
"I want to know, love."
It's a bit awkward talking about it so I grab his hand so I can show him instead. I move his hand to the apex of my thighs and he does the rest. "I said no, Sully before it got out of hand." Sully carries on his punishing rhythm distracting me and I rest my face his neck.
"Hmm, I can see the advantages of this. Are you going to stop me?" he challenges me and I groan into his neck. I think it's evident that I don't want him to stop and he knows I'll stop him if I wanted him to. He pushes me to the max and I call out and I give him a hickey when finding my release again.
He removes his fingers and strokes my back again. I rest my head on the floor he tires me out. "How did you get here?" Oh so now he's finally twigged that one.
"Umm, I drove," he sits up more on his elbow looking livid.
"You found your keys?" Are my keys in the house somewhere?
"Ugh, no. I just drove Damon's car. He doesn't need it."
"Emmie. Jesus, you can't drive. Why do you think we didn't put your keys back? You could have an accident. If I lost you..." he rests his face in my neck.
"I need to do some exercise Sully. At least before my surgery, you stayed with me and I burned calories another way. It was more fun that way, but things have changed, I know that. I didn't come here to do this but I enjoyed it all the same."
"So did I, love." I grab his right hand I stroke his sore knuckles. "I hate that I had to hurt you but you need space to decide. You know it's not what I want but it's the right thing for you."
"I hate that I hurt you all the time."
"Don't worry about me I'm a big boy, I know what I'm doing. I probably shouldn't have let this happen but I have no regrets. You don't realise the power you have over me."
The door opens and I shield myself with Sully's body. I hide my head in his neck. I don't even want to know who's caught us naked like this. "Sully!" Dyno shouts. "Urgh, really?"
"Do you mind Dyno? I'm a bit preoccupied."
"Yes, I can bloody well see that. You are lucky Damon is on bed rest. He's been trying to call you."
"I'll call him back in a bit. Can you leave now?"
"He wants to know where Emmie is but you can explain that one. You know we need you to pick up the slack whilst Damon is recovering. He'd be pissed if you are slacking off." I continue to try hide my naked body. "Hi, Em." I wave at him but keep trying to shield myself.
"Don't give me shit Dyno, I get enough of it from Damon. I pick up my fair share. Get out Dyno!" I hear the door close and I sigh with relief. Have I ever been caught naked like this apart from at his parents. I guess it's another first with Sully. I lift my head to look at Sully and he's watching me curiously.
"Ha, another first big guy."
"What is?"
"I haven't been caught like this. You know how I feel about my body. I guess it's easier now I know what I really look like."
"What breathtakingly beautiful?" I blush and bury my head in his neck again. "You need to learn how to take a compliment love," he chuckles at me and I lift my head. "As much as I could stay with you here all day, I need to answer his call before he murders someone."
I shift my weight and I push him on his back and I sit astride on top of him, "I could make you stay with me," he laughs and rest his head on the floor.
"Yes, you could. Just because you aren't scared of him because you are safe from him. Others, however, are not." I lean down and I kiss him and he instantly responds.
I like myself with Sully, I can be carefree. I usually make the first move, he makes me come out of my shell. Whereas Damon has always protected me and fixed me. He's always been the one in charge so to speak. He flips me on my back and he rolls on top of me and I giggle. He carries on kissing me and he cups my face with his right hand. His left-hand grips tightly on my hip.
"Fuck, you are too distracting," he sits up and I sit up too so we are nose to nose.
"I like distracting you," I graze my teeth on his bottom lip.
"You are so fucking adorable when you are like this," he nuzzles my nose with his. I don't like it when our bubble has to burst.
I put my hands on his abs, "Stay," he chuckles.
"Babe, I really want to. You are killing me right now," he slides his fingers through my hair and his lips are urgent on mine. Everything about Sully draws me in. He isn't afraid to lay his feelings out in front of me. I just wish he was made for me and I'd be on top of this world. He makes me feel something for sure but there isn't that strong pulsing, electric current.
He stops kissing me and he quickly kisses my forehead before he stands up. He holds his hand out to me and I put my hand in his and he pulls me to my feet. We start dressing and Sully pulls his phone out of his jeans. "Boss?" I finish dressing and I sit on the bench casually watching him trying to dress whilst he has the phone perched between his shoulder and his ear. "Calm down, I was busy."
"Damon, what does it matter?" this might be a long phonecall. "Yes, she's here," even bedbound he's a pain in my ass. "No, she didn't come to see me, Damon. You can ask your brother. She came to train and I had to stop her."
"I don't begin to understand what goes on in her head. She took your car, I'll get Dyno to drive your car back. She's not allowed to drive. I need to get her to eat something and then I'll drop her home and I'll come back to work." When Sully is fully dressed he stands in front of me and I wrap my arms around his waist and hastily pull him towards me. "Christ, Emmie," he rests his hand on the top of my head. "No, do you think I'd do that to you?"
"I'll see you when I'm home." Sully hangs up and he slides his phone in his pocket. "Keys," he holds his hand out to me.
"I like my freedom, Sully. I'm fine, you don't need to worry."
"I do worry when you're concerned. Please, love, you couldn't drive when you last had cancer, this will give me peace of mind." I sigh and I shove the keys in his hand. "Thank you," he kisses the top of my head and he holds his hand out to me again and he pulls me to my feet but he keeps hold of it this time.
We walk out of the gym and we see Dyno in the kitchen and Sully stops in the doorway whilst Dyno is shoving food in his gob. Sully tosses the keys at Dyno and he catches it. "Drive Boss's car home would you?" Dyno stops mid-chew and looks down at us holding hands.
"What's the goss?" he points to our hands with his head whilst he keeps eating.
"Nothing, Dyno. Will you take the car home or what?"
"How did it get here in the first place?"
"Emmie, she knows she's not allowed to drive. Looks like I'll need to hide Damon's keys too."
"Em, do you know how I felt when I got your call that day? You didn't know where you were and when I got to you I thought you crashed your car. I'm glad you phoned but any creep could have taken you."
"Okay, I get it Dinosaur but I'm better now."
"No, Emmie, you're not. You remember what the Doc said. You are still ill and you will get worse with the chemo." I look up at Sully and he looks pissed. "Let's get some food. I'm hungry."
I reach up to his ear and I whisper, "I'm hungry for something else." Food doesn't appeal to me. He laughs and Dyno frowns and I place my feet flat on the floor again.
"You really are insatiable."
"Get a room," Dyno mutters. "Oh wait, you already did." I walk further in the kitchen and grab a teaspoon from near the kettle and I lob it at him and he uses his arm to shield his head. "Em!"
"Be nice, Dinosaur."
"I'm so glad Boss is on bed rest because if he found you two he would kill us all."
"Aww, I'd protect you Dinosaur." I smile and Sully laughs and he leads me out of the kitchen and we walk out the building and he gets my door. I slide in and Hero jumps in after me. Sully closes my door and walks to his side.
He gets in his side and starts the car, he puts on his belt and I turn the radio up. "That Arizona sky burnin' in your eyes, You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire," I look at Sully who's singing to me. He pulls away from the safe house and I really look at his perfect face. "You found the light in me that I couldn't find," he glances at me now and again but concentrates on driving. I put my hand on his cheek and smile. I love his singing voice and I'm mesmerised.
We both sing the most meaningful part to me, "But all I really know, You're where I wanna go, The part of me that's you will never die." It's true, the Sully part of me will never die. He grabs my hand that's on his face and he brings it to his lips and kisses my hand in between lyrics. "I don't wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah." We both sing again, this is impossible, how am I ever supposed to choose?
I'm like two different people with each of them. I'm living two different lives and I don't know how I'm supposed to stop being one person, stop being me. Why did Damon have to do this? He's made life so hard, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have done this with Sully and I wouldn't be in this difficult situation. I know I can't carry on like this but I need to enjoy it whilst I have the leeway to do this. I'm hurting them both not choosing but it's like choosing a part of me.
Which part do I like better? The Emmie that loves Sully, the carefree, the normal, flourishing Emmie or the Emmie who loves Damon? The one that is completely consumed but him, every touch that fixes me, the connection that is breathtaking. The song comes to an end and Sully stops at a red light and he looks at me, "When you look at me, And the whole world fades, I'll always remember us this way." It feels like he is trying to tell me something. A goodbye so to speak.
The light turns green and he concentrates on the road again, "You amaze me when you sing love. But fuck me when I heard you sing at Lilly's party. I knew it was you the minute you started singing. I was furious but in awe of you that you were brave enough to sing in front of all those people. Damon and I made our way to the stage but you just demanded we waited and that's all we could do. You wrapped us up in your little spell."
"I had to finish the song, for Lilly. Everyone always goes on how they like my singing, so I just did it."
"We more than like it, babe. We adore it," he pulls up in a car park. He takes off his seatbelt and I climb onto his lap. I kiss him and his lips become urgent on mine again. "You're always stalling."
"Maybe but I can't help myself, you're pretty." I kiss his nose and he chuckles.
"Hmm, you're not too bad yourself, love," he places kisses all over my face and I giggle. "Wait here, I'll grab some lunch for us." He helps me back to my side and I frown. Get some lunch? I thought he would want to eat somewhere. He kisses my forehead and he leaves me in the car.
I turn the radio on and sit and wait for Sully. I take a look at the surrounds, I was too distracted by Sully. We are at a shoreline with lots of restaurants looking out onto the ocean. I open the door and I hear the sound of the waves and I smell the ocean. Hero gets out of the car and I turn the radio off and get out the car.
I walk around to the bonnet of the car and look out to the sea. I climb onto the bonnet of the car and I lean back onto my elbows and I revel with the sun on my skin. I feel so alive these days despite the pain. I get some odd looks as people pass but I ignore them.
The wind whips through my hair and I try hold my hair back with my right hand. "You know love, you are attracting people's attention not the beach. You are the view." I turn my head to see Sully. He places a basket on the bonnet next to me. He opens his car door and leans in, he grabs something and stands straight and slides some sunglasses on his face. I bite my lip, if he was going for hot then he succeeded.
"Shall we?" he hold his hand out to me and he helps me slide off the car. He releases my hand and he wraps his left arm over my shoulder and I wrap my right arm around his waist. He grabs the basket and we head towards the beach. Hero walks by my side and I have a huge smile on my face. When we reach the sand I take off my shoes and socks. I pick them up and we walk to a free spot on the beach.
Sully puts the basket down and he rolls out a blanket. I flop on the blanket and Sully grins at me. I hold my hand up to him and I pull him down to me. "I love it when you are so happy."
"You make me happy. You don't stress me out, you let me breathe. Being in the house with Damon at the moment it's suffocating."
"What does he have to do to get you to trust him? What is holding you back love?"
"I don't know. I always had trust issues, with Damon I never had to worry. I mean in the early years it was me I didn't trust. I knew I would do something to fuck everything up. I knew Damon wouldn't want me sooner or later probably because I was too insecure. He did everything right to make me feel secure.
"He never made me doubt his love for me, ever. Even with Izzy he always showed me signs that he loved me. He's my Damon before the Ellie situation and the Alex affair. I can see how much he changed over those years. So how can I trust that he wouldn't still want Alex when he gets his memories back? He's my Damon now but what if I let him in and he turns into Alex's Damon? I'd be setting myself for a tremendous fall. I don't think I can handle any more rejection." I look into his eyes whilst he's perched on his elbow on his side next to me looking down on me.
"So, he'd need to get his memories back and still want only you? What if he never got his memories back? Could you not try?"
"Why do I feel like you are pushing me towards Damon?"
"He's also my best friend Emmie. I know you, I know you will choose him. It's always been you and him. I owe it to Damon to really try and help him get you back. Today was a bad call on my part. What I did is not what best friends do. I need to step away and give Damon a good shot at getting his wife back. He was right, wives should be off-limits regardless of what they've done."
"What are you saying, big guy? You regret what we did? You think we are a mistake?" I push him out my way and I stand up and I walk towards the ocean. My eyes water at the pain of rejection, I stop walking when my feet are submerged in the water. I try to take deep breaths and I feel his arms wrap around me from behind me. I want to push him away but I can't.
"Emmie, you have it all wrong. I've told you before I love you so much. How could anyone regret being with you? Anyone would be so fucking lucky to lay in bed with at night. It's been the best time of life being with you so intimately. I wouldn't change anything but that's because I'm being selfish. I want you like this with all my heart, when I'm with you I wish for nothing else." I control my breathing listening to what he's confessing to me again.
"What if I choose you?"
"I don't think there is any hope of that Emmie. I want it to be true but I've accepted that you'll choose Damon and that's okay."
"But what if? Would you push me away to spare Damon?"
He sighs, "Emmie, as much as I love Damon, I wouldn't push you away. It would be a miracle and I wouldn't take that for granted, I wouldn't take you for granted. Anyone would be a fool to not want you." I rest my head on his shoulder. I continue to watch the waves whilst he holds me.
"I'm nothing special."
Sully scoffs, "Oh trust me, you are. Emmie does all these guys not mean anything to you? Brody waited what 16 odd years before he accepted that you wouldn't ever want him and he proposed to Jessie? Lexi, she was holding on to you until recently. Liam is all over you even now. Blake flew across the country to see you, he may be an idiot but he loves you. Gab likes you, haven't figured Dyno out. Billy really likes you. Jesus Emmie laying on my car like that all the men were fucking staring at your beauty. It gets tiresome how jealous I get and you just don't see."
"You get jealous? What about all the chicks that admire you, huh? The pretty little receptionist at the hotel. She couldn't have made that more obvious. Whether they feel that way about me or not Sully, it can never be them."
"So that was what that was all about. I didn't even notice... you were jealous in real life about that I thought it was part of the act. Yes I know Emmie, it will only ever be Damon. He's the only one that has any chance here. This proves my point love, you gave me you well a part of you, even part of you it's astonishing and I feel the luckiest man alive." I turn in his arms and he slides his right hand across my cheek and holds me in place.
"I get jealous of girls around you. I mean look at you," he chuckles, "I see betrayal wherever I go, I always seem to be second best. I'm not enough to keep someone. Yes, I know you've never let me down. Believe me, I want nothing more than for that to remain but you know what it's like to have something buried so deep inside. Trust is not something I can give or take, people have let me down my whole life. I'm the only one I can trust but do you know something? I don't trust myself with anything..."
"I am not everyone else, you can count on me. Whether that's as best friends or partners. Come, I'm hungry."
I pull him to my lips, "Me too..." I breathe and continue to kiss him.
"Yes, babe. You definitely taste better," he pulls me back to the blanket and I sit down. Sully sits opposite me and he starts to empty the contents of the basket. "I'm loving being with you Emmie but we have already been longer than I planned. Damon's already texted me a million times."
"I hate that he goes through you." I get my phone out and show him. "Look no messages. I know he worries about me but why can't he contact me and not keep messaging you. You can't tell him to do one whereas I can tell him when he's being an idiot."
"Emmie, it's my job."
"Whether it's your job or not he shouldn't treat you like that. I'm sure you do more than your job description."
"He's not always like that Emmie. He makes my job worthwhile, you may have got annoyed about the whole bracelet thing with Ellie but he's given us more than you know. He saved me from my family, he gave me a home a car, anything I want he's always got it for me. He rewards well, he's only usually bad-tempered where you're concerned."
"When I came into Damon's life did your job change?" he smirks at me.
"I remember you asking me something similar back then. My job was to watch you 24-7, to protect you at all cost if you died he died. I wasn't going to let that happen. Although I loved you even then it was a no brainer to take a bullet for you. You didn't even notice the danger around you. I knew it would have killed Damon if I didn't try. I hated that I wasn't strong enough to save you from being kidnapped. I was so guilty, I couldn't face you but I needed to be close to you.
"When you were in the hospital and so was I, I sat with Damon watching you at night. I saw the way you clung to Damon when you were unconscious. You knew when he left even when you were asleep. The Doc told Damon off for sharing the bed with you and Damon made his point. He got up and you became frantic in your sleep. As soon as Damon was back with you, you were peaceful. I knew I had no hope with you but I loved you anyway."
Sully holds a strawberry to my lips and I bite into it. "I wish you would eat when I'm not around. It's all in your head, love."
"Maybe it is maybe it isn't. I'm so much better than I was Sully. I feel so strong now, I'm confident in many things. I'm not living in the past like I used to. I'm where I want to be in life. I don't feel like I'm looking over my shoulder anymore. I know I'm safe but at the moment I only feel truly safe with you. I used to feel safe with Damon but I feel like I'm hanging by a thread ready to fall at any moment. The food thing will always be an issue for me I'm sure but in life, we have to grab things that make us feel safe. When I'm with you alone I feel nothing can hurt me in our little bubble." I pick up a sandwich and I start to eat it.
"I think you cling to me because I am literally the only one in your life that hasn't hurt you. The one thing I hate about you is that you forgive too easily. So why can't you forgive Damon? You forgave Denny for raping you. I really wanted to kill him, I still do yet you forgave him just like that."
"He doesn't know what he wants Sully. If it happened just the once it's forgivable. To go back again and again..."
"The Damon laying in bed at home wants you, Emmie. I don't know what happened to Damon to make him turn to Alex but he protected you from Zane. He still took a bullet for you. He walked in blind again to protect you."
Sully holds another strawberry up to me and I bite down on it again he drops the stem in a bag. I grab his hand I bring it to my lips and I take his index finger in my mouth. Our eyes lock and we can't look away. I feel so much for Sully and in a different life, he would be perfect for me. He leans forward whilst withdrawing his finger from my mouth and he kisses me and a groan escapes my mouth and his tongue takes the opportunity to explore my mouth.
Sully curses and he shifts his weight and pulls his phone out of his pocket. "Boss?" I roll my eyes. "We will be home soon, bro. I'm getting her to eat." Sully picks up another strawberry and offers it to me. I take a bite again these strawberries are divine. I chew whilst I watch him on the phone, "Look, I'm really trying here bro." Trying to do what? I pick up a cucumber stick and place it in my mouth and Sully's watches me with dilated eyes.
He skims the corner of my mouth with his thumb and I bite the stick, "Bro, I said I would. I'm not perfect, I'm trying to honour your wishes." I frown and Sully looks at the ocean and I see the pain in his eyes. I crawl over to him, I rest my back on his knees/legs and he almost has his legs underneath him but he's slightly on his side. I look up at him and he looks down at me. "I am, bro. Stop doubting me, I will bring her home soon," he hangs up and he starts packing up the basket but I'm not being any help considering I'm leaning on his legs.
He's become distant and distracted, "Sorry, love. Bubble has burst," I frown. He strokes my cheek.
"Doesn't have to of burst. Come back to me."
"I'm here babe. I just, it's hard for me to not be like this with you and keep the peace with Damon. I promised him I would stop this, to give him a chance. Even I didn't realise the power you have over me."
"I don't want to put you in this situation. It's not fair."
"This is my problem Emmie, not yours. Don't worry yourself with this. When I told you we needed to cool it at the hospital I meant it. I still do but I can't push you away, I don't want to push you away. I love that you want me, even if it's not forever. I love that you pushed Damon away, I hate that he touched you like that. I love that you came to me last night and not him. I'm getting possessive over you and I don't have the right," he rests his forehead on mine.
I don't know what he wants me to say to that without sounding crazy. He sits me up so he can stand. He pulls me to my feet and he folds the blanket and places it back into the basket and he picks it up. He starts walking towards the car in deep thought, I follow a few feet behind him. "I like that you are possessive over me and I like that I'm your first love and only love but that just makes me selfish. I shouldn't feel that way if you aren't my first choice or my only choice. I don't deserve that kind of rare gift," he stops in front of me and he slowly turns around.
"You heard that? You heard me tell Damon about you being my first love. You really do blow me away, you know?" he puts his arm around my shoulder again and kisses my head for a few moments and he starts walking to the car again.
Once we reach the car, I stop to look at him, "Can I drive?" Sully looks at me scornfully and tuts.
"Did you not listen to anything I said earlier?" I shrug.
"Course, but I'm feeling fine. Once I get chemo I definitely won't be able to drive."
"The answer is no Emmie. I'm not taking any chances with you." I huff and I get in my side and Sully gets in his side. I wish we don't lose the connection if I chose Damon. I love what we are now, he knows me so well.
"Let's just say for argument sake I did choose Damon. I'd hurt you... how can I choose Damon knowing I'd hurt you?"
"Emmie, if that's what stopping you then I'll be fine. We will always be best friends, it's not like we've broken us... as long you are alive and happy then I am. Is it really stopping you?"
"Partly, I don't want you to be broken like I am. In some ways, I think I'm fixing you...but am I setting you up for a huge fall?"
"Emmie, don't think about me. I'll be fine, sure I won't lie you've fixed me more than you'll ever know but you also fix others around you, Damon, the kids, Danny. Do what feels right for you don't worry about other peoples feelings."
"It's in my nature to worry about others." I watch the road watching the blurry buildings. "Is this a self-confidence thing big guy? Like me? You are so sure I'll pick Damon, does that mean you don't feel you're enough?" I glance at him and he screws his face up like he's recalling a bad memory.
"You've only seen a glimpse of my childhood, Emmie. It fucked me up big time but you show me I am enough, don't doubt that. When I'm with you I forget everything around us. When we are lost in each other I forget about Damon and how he makes you feel. He completely flies out of my head when I'm consumed by you. You don't make me feel jealous around you, it's others around you that make me jealous. That's why it's hard for me to promise Damon to leave you alone because I forget... you make me forget literally everything, everything but you."
I grab his hand and he grips mine, anyone would be a lucky bitch having a guy like Sully. He brings my hand to his lips and his lips graze my hand and I smile at his sweet gesture, he's absolutely perfect and he's the good guy, the better guy but when has the good guy ever won? I want him to win, I want him to wrap his vines tighter around my heart. I want my heart to belong to him but I know deep down it doesn't.