Fading Scars

Chapter 12

Emmie

I sit in the prison recalling the events of the day. I can't believe I've been arrested after all this time. I think back to this morning when I entered the school. I didn't want to be in there but my new job started.
I walk into the staff room to grab a coffee, I need something to prepare me for this day. I didn't sleep most of the night because I slept in Lilly's bed as I was worried about her. She was hot and clammy but also restless. It didn't seem like normal effects of alcohol but what do I know? She seemed okay this morning so I let her go to school.
Sully stayed with me until I fell asleep or until he thought I did. I can't sleep without him but only Damon can keep the nightmares away so I was too scared to fall asleep next to Lilly. I had to be brave for her. I need to speak to her, find out why she did it. I need to help her through whatever has her resorting to getting drunk.
I pour the coffee in a mug and I feel a hand on my shoulder and I end up spilling the coffee. Fuck sake, this is all I need. I put the pot back and grab a tissue to wipe it up. "Nice to see you this morning Miss Salvatore," Mr D says. I roll my eyes. Why is he doing this?
I grab my coffee and walk to the window to look outside, I feel like I'm in a prison trapped with my thoughts. "My name is Mrs Rider," I snap once again. I sometimes fear that it will turn into Salvatore when he doesn't look at me. When he does look at me it's like he doesn't like what he sees.
"Whatever, anyway do you want to get a drink after work? We all head to the pub after," he says. I can feel him staring at my head but I don't look at him. I just focus on the outside world, the blue sky. The birds flying around and the trees swaying in the breeze. Yes, this helps.
"No, thanks, Mr D," I say. I refuse to call him Ben just like he refuses to call me by my real name. It's really irritating.
"Why not? Because of your husband? The one that controls you?" Woah, straight to the point today. I guess I admire that. I turn to face him and I perch on the window sill and cross my legs placing the coffee on my knee. I won't let him intimidate me.
"No not because of my husband. Because I'm not interested." Straight to the point. Do you think I could have said it any clearer? He goes all red and wrinkly. I used to find it amusing at school to get a reaction like this but now it just pisses me off.
He grabs my wrist and pulls me to my feet. I place my coffee on the window sill to protect myself for what's coming next. I look around the room and no one is here. He grabs my face and goes to kiss me but I push him off me. I slap him on his face and he seems shocked but he doesn't let up. He clutches his face and continues to look at me. "What was that?" I growl. I've already told him I'm not interested.
"I'm showing you what you're missing," he says. I shake my head, what is it with men and think that I want them?
"The only thing I'm missing is my husband." I snap he is the only one that I'd marry. He makes me feel alive. He doesn't make me uncomfortable being this close to me. I yearn for him to be closer, even when he touches me I still need him closer to me even though it's not physically possible.
"I should be your husband." I take a step back, is he serious right now? He's even crazier than I remember. I used to find him attractive when I was at school and I used to wind him up. Am I paying for my mistakes?
"What are you saying?" I whisper. This is all too creepy for my liking. He's backed me into a corner, I'm trapped and I only pray that someone walks in soon.
"I love you, Emmie. The first day I saw you. I was so mad that you liked that River's kid and then you left school." This is all too fucked up. I get a flashback of him crying over my fake death at the morgue.
"You were my teacher for god sake," I growl. He saw me at the mall that day with Sully. Has he been watching me my whole life?
"Did it matter? I'm not your teacher anymore." Of course, it mattered, are these kids safe with him around or was it just me he's fixated on?
"I love my husband," I say in retaliation. How much clearer do I need to be to tell him it will never happen?
"How can you love him? After all he has done to you." He's fixed me more than I thought possible, we've had our ups and downs but I wouldn't change that. Not everything is black and white. Nothing is perfect like we see in movies. "I've been watching you, Emmie. The pain you've endured. When Rider married Izzy. When you killed those people. When you nearly died all those times. And then..." He trails off. "And then I saw you dead in the morgue. I had to see it to believe it. I had years of thinking you were dead. I visited your grave regularly. Then Lilly-May told me that you were still alive. I was so happy."
"You are crazy," I shake my head. What do I do with this information? He's been harmless so far, can I believe that he will stay that way?
"Crazy for you Emmie. I've got many pictures of you, in every single picture you are beautiful. They've kept me company whilst I couldn't have you." What sort of pictures? I clutch the wall for support.
"My god," I say repulsed. He walks closer and sheepishly says "I love you, Emmie Salvatore," in my ear. I've heard enough. I need time to think this over, to decide whether he can be trusted to stay alive. Would I do it or would I let Damon do it? Or is he just a harmless admirer? "This will never happen. Nothings changed," I say confidently.
He takes a few steps back, "I confess my love to you and you do this," he growls and walks off out of the room. I sag back onto the window sill and put my head in my hands. What do I do with that information?
I take a minute to gather myself and I grab my coffee and put one foot in front of the other making my way to my classroom. Hearing my feet clip on the floor. I stop in the doorway of the classroom. I see my kids sat down and I smile. I can do this.
I walk to my desk and take a sip of coffee and place the cup down. I've already studied what they've learned and where they are at with their learning. "Okay class, settle down." I need the quiet because I need to think.
They all stop and I hear gasps. "Mom!" Lilly says shocked. I didn't get a chance to tell her. I warned CJ and Thomas but Lilly was out of it yesterday. I cringe at the memory, why would she be so happy to tell Damon about Joey? I didn't know there was more than that one kiss. I have so much to ask her when she's not in that state.
"Yes, Lilly. I'm your teacher. Now please settle down." I wish Damon was talking to me I feel so out of control. I need his support to help me through this. "Okay, my name is Mrs Rider. We will be doing Algebra today." I love it so it's easy to teach. I write a simple equation on the board explaining how to work it out. I ask people in the class to work out the answers and they've all seem to answer the question.
I write down another on the board. I turn around and Lilly seems agitated. Is she even listening to me? "Lilly, what is X?" She looks at me looking confused. This is an easy one, I knew this when I was 12 years old. She's 16 so she should have no problem answering.
"I don't know," she says. She doesn't seem herself, I really need to talk to her. I see CJ writing something down. He passes it to her and she smiles studying the paper. What did he write? I walk over and take the piece of paper from her and read it. CJ has written the equation and helping step by step giving her clues. It's technically not cheating but this is what she needs to do herself in her head. Why doesn't she know how to solve it herself?
"I don't know the answer, okay? Maths is hard, Caleb tries to make it easier for me. But the truth is I'm fucking shit at maths and Mr Dudley doesn't help me. He just calls me Miss Salvatore and I get detention," She trails off. I look at her stunned. She's never exploded like this, ever.
"Language Lilly-May. What's got into you? I want to speak with you in private about this." I cross my arms. I wish I was a mind reader, I could help her. I wish she would have told me about this. Now I know I can support her. There were times when I didn't get it and Daddy used to get really angry and frustrated with me. The difference was I was a lot younger and my brain wasn't fully developed, I did get it eventually. One day after repeatition it just clicked.
I return to my desk and ask them to work quietly from their textbooks. I drink the rest of my cold coffee. How could I miss so much going on with my daughter? Could have I done anything differently? Anything more? I want to be a good Mom but it's hard whilst trying to save myself from drowning. I do my best but it's not enough. I would give my life for them so why am I missing this? Why wouldn't she confide in me? Does she resent me for leaving to save Sully?
I hear subconsciously a bell ringing. How could I do more for my kids? There is nothing I wouldn't do but I can't force them to talk to me. Thomas doesn't give anything away, I thought I'd got it right with Lilly but now I know nothing. "Mrs Rider, can I talk to you?"
I look up and search the room, I guess the class is finished because the room is empty. I look to see Jason looking at me and I frown. "Sure," I say.
"Do you hate me?" I shake my head. I don't hate easily, I just...it's a painful reminder that's all. When I see him it reminds me that I wasn't good enough.
"No, Jason. Of course not, you just make me realise everything was all lies," I mutter. I don't want to burden him with this knowledge.
"What lies?" he asks. He's a good kid, he's always been there for Lilly and I'm grateful. Why doesn't he love my daughter though? She's amazing.
"Your Dad. I loved him. He cheated on me with your birth Mother. You were conceived when I was with him." Or whatever we were. There's no label, just when I thought there could be more maybe in time. I know now there couldn't have been more but it's not the point.
"What a jerk, anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Is your husband meeting you and Lilly for lunch?" Doubtful, he hasn't said anything to me. Although why would he? I don't know where I stand at the moment.
"No, I guess he might meet Lilly but I'm not in his good books at the moment. I would doubt he would be though, he's always busy." Did she say that he was? Maybe he is because of yesterday. I have no idea anymore.
"Thought so, Thanks." He says and runs off. I blank out the second period. I didn't know any of the kids, I taught them about fractions. I'm itching for the bell to go for break time. I can't believe I'm still doing this as an adult like I used to.
When the bell goes I exit my classroom. I look around and all the kids are coming and going filling the hallway like flies. "Mrs Rider?" I turn around and look at who is addressing me so formally.
Oh fuck, two policemen what do they want? I hope that Damon and Sully are okay. "Yes," I say awkwardly please let them be okay.
"We are arresting you for three counts of murder." Oh, fucking shit. Why here? Why now? I look around and everyone is staring.
"You can't arrest my Mom." CJ is now by my side and grabs my arm. I shake my head at him to get him to back off. Thomas looks ready to murder them. I put my arm out in front of my boys to warn them off.
"Enough boys. Let them do their job." I hold my hands out to them and they handcuff me. "Make sure you do as your told. Don't go looking for trouble."
"I'll tell Dad," CJ says. I smile at him. He's not going to help me, I'm on my own with this. I did commit the crime anyway. I'm guilty.
"Don't bother him, sweetheart. I'll see you soon." I follow the officers out of the school. That couldn't have been any more embarrassing. Everyone was watching. We reach the car and I stand to wait. "Can I ask something, it's important to me," I say sweetly to them.
"You're not in a position to make requests," they grunt. I smile at them pleading with my eyes. "What is it?"
"I will comply with any of your rules and I won't fight but I just ask that you don't touch me. If I fight then I give you full permission but I'm not going to fight so that's all I ask."
They look confused, "Fine. Get in the car," they say when they open the back door for me. I get in without hesitation. I'll be okay as long as they don't touch me. I block out the journey to the police station.
They open my door and I get out. They go to touch my shoulder and I step back and then they lift their chin towards the building for me to move. I do so, they really are trying to help me with this which I'm lucky because I don't deserve it. Although I was ill when I did it. I wouldn't be so reckless now.
We walk into the prison and I have to hand all of my belonging over. I don't own a lot but the one thing I hesitate is my wedding ring. I've never taken it off and it feels if I take it off then it's over. I follow their commands and they lead me into a side room to change into the horrible ugly orange prison clothes and black boots.
A woman officer watches as I do it. Must be protocol but I'm not a danger and I'm not smuggling anything. I cover my body the best I can whilst I do it. Once I'm done they escort me into the main hall where all the other prisons are. They take me up the stairs and stop outside a door. All doors are left open but I look into the room and it has a bunk bed. I panic at who I will be sharing with.
"This is your room, you have the bottom bunk." I turn to face them in a panic. I can't handle being in here. I already hate it.
"Please, I can't be here." Esme is in this prison. She wants me dead and I'm sure she will succeed in here.
"You're a criminal. Where else would you be?" They walk away leaving me standing outside my room. I place the belongings on my bed. Well, not my belongings but the essential items I'm allowed.
I sit on my bed against the wall and bring my legs to my chest. I try to focus on my breathing, in and out. What if I become Psycho to protect myself? And then I really will deserve to be in here? I feel so disconnected from my family, disconnected from life. I see legs come off the bed above me and I stop breathing. They bend down and I see Esme's face. I can't believe it, I'm sharing a room with the person trying to kill me. Just great. "Omg, it must be my lucky day," she laughs.
"What the hell happened to you? Where is your protective husband?" Well he's not here is he? Even if he knows by now I'm going to die in here. If not by my mother then from myself.
"Why would I want to talk to you? Not like you are Mother of the year." I say hugging my legs tighter to protect myself. She perches on my bed. I'm trapped just like I've been most of my life. I now realise that in this moment, I lived my life all wrong. I didn't live it like I was free and happy like I should have done. I lived it like I was still connected to my past.
"If you are in here. That probably means your husband doesn't care." Deep down, I know that's not true but it's who I am to doubt everything. I need constant reassurance and he hasn't given it to me. "I'm going to have so much fun with you here. Watch your back, wait, no. Don't watch your back. When I get you I want you to be surprised," she smiles at me.
"Rider, come with me." It feels weird being called Rider because Damon goes by that to the outside world. Esme stands up and moves out the way. "You have visitors inmate. Move." Who would come to see me in here? I slide off the bed but I don't turn my back on Esme. Once I'm out of the room I walk back down the stairs towards where I came from. "Hands out." They say and they handcuff me again.
You don't need to do that but I comply anyway. They lead me into a private room and they undo one of the cuffs to restrain me to the bar on the table. They pull my hands to make sure it's secure. Ow, that hurt my wrists. They head out the door and I take in my surroundings. I don't even know what time it is. It's a plain grey room. It only houses the table and chairs.
The door reopens and I look up. Sully walks in first followed by Blake. I crane my head expecting to see Damon but the door shuts. They sit down in front of me and Sully puts his hands on mine. "Please don't touch me," I beg and Sully immediately withdraws his hands. I normally let Sully touch me but I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't even think I'd let Damon right now.
"Have they hurt you?" Sully says to me. I look at the table and not at them in front of me. I shake my head. I don't really know who he means by them but no one has hurt me yet. "Damon wants me to do what I can to get you out." I shake my head, I'm guilty. What else can he do?
"Fatty you look awful." I don't look at him or retaliate. I feel awful not in the sense he's thinking of but in the gut. I feel awful to the bone.
"Do you know who would have evidence on you?" I shake my head. Well, I discovered today about Mr D but if loves me like he thinks he does would he do this? He's been a silent admirer until now. "Have you given a statement yet?" I shake my head again. "Good, I'll find the best lawyer for you to get you out but don't make a statement until then okay?" I nod.
I wouldn't know what to say right now anyway. "Why now? You need to be careful Emmie." I roll my eyes, I know.
"Yes, I know. She's already threatened me and she's my cellmate." I mutter to my hands. I start fiddling with fingers.
"She has? I will try to get you transferred in the meantime." I shrug, what's the point? I'd rather be closer to my family.
"Don't bother," I whisper. I know I'm not getting out of this. I'll get life in here and then I'll never see my kids again.
"Who's threatened you?" Blake says. He doesn't know everything still. What does it matter now anyway? I might as well have it tattoed on my forehead.
"Esme, my mother." I bring my knees up to my chest again. I just need Damon to hold me. I thought he had connections in here anyway?
"Wait, the one that nearly killed you?" I nod, "You can't stay in here." I shrug I'm not going anywhere, the quicker they accept this the better. "I'm going to kill my brother."
"Why?" I say. I'm not forcing him to be near me even if he is the only one I want to see right now.
"He's not here Emmie," Blake says. I look at Sully and he has something to say. What isn't he telling me? He looks sad but I can't help him right now because I can't help myself.
"He's leaving me, isn't he?" I still don't know what he saw in me anyway. I continue to look at Sully.               "God no. Well, I don't think so. He's still mad at you but that's not it." So what is it? Why does he have to be so stubborn? "We found out that Lilly is a drug addict. We don't know for how long." I shake my head. No, she's not.
"That's a sick joke Sully," his eyes don't change I know it's true. Tears fall down my face, I knew it deep down that it wasn't typical alcohol abuse. I start rocking in my chair.
"Jason's Mom got her hooked on drugs." I'm going to Brody and I'm going to kill that bitch. I start really swinging on the chair pulling at the restraints.
"It's always Brody's fault. Why didn't he tell us she was an addict?" I continue to pull on my restraints, it's making my wrists burn.
"So that's where Damon is. Looking after Lilly. Emmie, calm down." I ignore him and pull harder. His hands find mine and stop in horror.
"Don't touch me and that's where he should be." I can rest easy knowing my daughter is being looked after. He withdraws his hands as requested.
"Emmie, what's wrong?" I'm angry and I'm miserable, I'm scared but deep down I'm numb. There's nothing stopping my downwards cycle.
"Everything, I'm a bad mother. Damon doesn't want me and I'm going to be stuck in here for life except I'm never going to able to cope with that. I'm..." I shake my head. "I'm guilty and there is no lawyer that can change that. You may as well save the money and use it for Lilly's drug care. Just leave me here."
They both look horrified. "You are none of those things." Sully whispers. I know he wants to hold me but I can't handle anyone touching me.
"Get out, you need to leave and never come back because I won't see you." They look hurt. "Guard I want to go back!" I shout. The door opens and a guard stands in the doorway.
"Don't do this Emmie. You need to keep fighting." The guard releases me from the table and re cuffs me. I head to the door and look back at them. They are on their feet now.
"I'm done fighting, there is nothing left for me. Nothing is worth fighting this hard over. I've failed." Sully's tears are escaping his eyes. I can't help him, I won't help him. I take one last look at my best friend and I leave the room.
They release me in the big hall and I take a seat. Everyone is eating what looks like dinner but I couldn't even dream of eating. I feel like I'm watching my body and not living it. "Leaving so soon?" Esme's snake-like voice shivers through me but she's too far away for her to be talking to me. I don't look I just can't zone out of the noise.
"Stay away from her. I'll kill you if you touch her," Sully growls. No, you won't Sully, you don't need to revenge my death.
"She's my daughter. I can do what I want with her. Sleep tight knowing I will be here inches away from her. I could end her in seconds. Look at her, she's an easy target." I feel their eyes on me but I don't respond.
"If you hurt her I will kill you myself." No, you won't Blake. You don't have it in you. You're not like Damon. You haven't been in the gang long enough to let your heart go black.
"And who is this little hottie. Another one of Emmie's pathetic admirers?" He wishes I was something more but there never will be.
"She's my sister in law," he growls. Yes and that's all I'll ever be. Leave them alone Esme. I don't want you near them.
"I can see she's more than a sister in law to you. She's an ugly beast inside and out." I smile to myself, someone that can see me clearly for who I am. It's probably the one and only thing we can agree on.
"She's beautiful. You're just jealous that you are always second best, first her Dad then Desmond and then Denny." Sully says in sheer disgust. No that's not true.
"Maybe I should mark her face. See how you guys like her then. Yes, that's a good idea, don't worry. I'll take real good care of her."
"Don't touch her," Blake shouts. I get up, I don't look at them. It's too painful, everything Stefan taught me has gone flying out of my head. I still feel them watching me.
"Fuck," Sully growls. The metal gate bangs and I assume he's hit it. Don't rise to her, I'm not. I head to my room. I can't handle another minute of this and I punch the wall hard over and over. Yes, the pain is good. I look at my hand shaking in front of me. It's bleeding but I don't care. I sit on my bed and look at my items. Toothbrush yes this will do. I use the bed to help me snap it in half. I touch the edge and it's not quite sharp enough.
I stand up and watch the door, I start to rub it on the wall over and over. My blood is smearing on the wall as I scrape it back and forth. I wish Daddy were here with me. I touch the point on the toothbrush and I decide it will have to do. I slice it into my arm and pull it up my arm to match my faint physical scar lines on my arm. I call out with the pain, the good pain.
Blood drips from my arm and I do the same to my other wrist. I drop to the floor and I smile to myself. Yes, this is what I needed. It's been a long time since I last needed to do this. My body calms and I feel a sense of euphoria. A figure stands in the doorway but I can't make out who it is, my vision has become blurry, "Guards." She shouts.
That's Esme, she removes the object from my hand and holds my wrists, "What the fuck did you do?" Who cares? I feel better. I blackout and I feel nothing. When I wake I look around.
I see hospital beds it's bright in here and I squint my eyes. The pain searing through my arms is enough to distract me. I feel a hand on me and I scream. "Don't touch me," I yell. I try to get off the bed but I'm restrained around my chest and legs. I wriggle as much as I can but it's no use.
"Stop, I'll take over." I turn my head to face the familiar voice. He walks over to me and I'm horrified. What is he doing here?
"Am I dreaming?" I whisper to him. He shakes his head. He puts on some gloves and I shake my head. "Please, don't touch me. I can't bear it."
"Emmie, you have some deep wounds that I need to take care of. I was on call and your name popped up on my patient file. Damon filled me in on the rest. Why the hell would you this to yourself?"
"We have a problem then because I'll scream if you touch me." Normally I seek comfort in Lucas but not today.
"Okay, Okay. I'm just going to give you some painkillers. It will help." I nod and he picks up the syringe. He injects me and I watch his every move. "After everything Emmie?" I don't reply, I feel numb. I feel dead.
"You lied," I whisper. He sedated me and he lied about it. He starts taking care of my wounds and I just watch. I'm calm for now. Doctors try to help Lucas but he turns them away. "The pain Lucas. I can't. I can't do it."
"You can Emmie. You've come this far, you'll do it again." No, I can't why can't he see that? He injects my wound to numb the area. I already feel numb, I watch him stitch my wrist. "I see you've done this before."
"When it all builds up it's my escape. It works for me but not for my loved ones. I got help for Danny's sake last time. I'm all alone here, no one to protect." I shut my eyes waiting to drift but nothing happens.
"You still have a family at home Emmie waiting for you. How do you think they will feel when they find out?"
"Damon doesn't want me, Lucas, I'm replaceable. I couldn't see that Lilly was taking drugs. I failed."
"You are so wrong. Damon came to my office and filled me in. He's working on your case. He will be coming to see you soon."
I shake my head, "I won't see him. I'm not seeing anyone." I'm only letting Lucas fix me is because I'm strapped to a bed and I don't trust anyone else.
"Don't be so silly. I will call Stefan later to see if we can move you to the psych ward. You are a danger to yourself." I shake my head. I don't want that. "How did you find anything sharp enough anyway?"
"I broke my toothbrush and sharpened it." I shrug and he grins. He moves to my other wrist and starts on that one.
"You're resourceful, I'll give you that. Your hand? It's the same as last time. You punched the wall." I shrug, it was all I could do. I try to move but I'm still stuck. "Emmie, please keep still."
"Can you tell them all that I love them, please. I want them to know before..." I close my eyes and try to focus. The sedative is making my brain fuzzy.
"They know that, Emmie. Before what? Did you want to die?" I nod and he stops what he's doing. I open my eyes and he's taken his gloves off. He takes his phone out of his pocket and he types for a second and then puts his phone to his ear. "Stefan, it's me. I need you to get to the prison as soon as you can. It's worse than we thought."
"Don't do this Lucas." I pull at my restraints becoming agitated it again. "Please," I say and hangs up the phone and hold me down. "Please."
He puts his phone away and he puts his glove back on and he injects me again. He grabs my hand and he waits. I shut my eyes and the darkness takes me.
When I wake I open my eyes and blink trying to make out my surroundings. I'm in a different room. I try and move my arms but my wrists won't move. I look down and I'm restrained again but this time my arms are bandaged and a wrist restraint over the top. My body is also restrained. What is this? I don't like being so...controlled.
"Emmie, calm down or I will sedate you again," I groan. Maybe I need to be, I find Lucas in the room with my eyes and he makes his way to my side.
"Please, I want you to," I try and move my body. "Please Lucas. I don't want to feel anything." I beg him and he nods. He injects me without hesitation.
"Emmie. I need to ask you some questions." I hear Stefan and he comes to my other side. I watch him curiously. "I need to assess your mental state. See where we are at? Okay?" I nod and he sits on the side of my bed but he's careful not touch me. He lifts my bed into sitting position so I can see properly seeing as I can't move.
"Damon is worried about you," Stefan says. I close my eyes and try and picture his face. I shake my head. "He is. Why did you do this to yourself?" I don't open my eyes, I just continue to imagine Damon's beautiful face. "Emmie, answer me."
"He doesn't want me, Stefan. Where is he huh? People are just trying to tell me what I want to hear. I did it because I don't want to be here anymore."
"I don't believe that. Damon is on his way, Emmie. Have I ever lied to you?" I open my eyes. "I'm pretty sure you know how to end your life sufficiently but you didn't. So please explain it."
This is why he's my shrink because he knows me well. "It's not a lie as such but you are right. To me, it wouldn't have been the worst thing. The worst thing was waking up again. The pain, it was good. My head was blank, I couldn't remember anything you taught me. I'm sorry, I knew this would help and it did."
"Emmie, it's okay if you slip up. It's how you move forwards that's what counts. I need to know if I let you back into the main prison, would you do it again? I need you to be honest with me." I nod. "Thank you for being honest with me. There would have been a time when you would have lied." I close my eyes again. "I'm going to request she stays here. I'll get her some meds to take under supervision. She will need to be kept sedated."
"I agree but if Damon comes here and sees her like this he will kill every single person in this place," Lucas says.
"You don't need to worry. He won't be coming, and for some miracle that he does. I will deny access." I open my eyes and they are both looking at each other.
"Emmie, listen to me. You need to allow access, you know how your family help you when you are low," I shake my head. "Don't say no, I want to see or hear a yes. Don't isolate yourself." I shake my head again. "You are an infuriating woman sometimes. Why can't you make it easy for once in your life?"
"What now?" Lucas says. I gently pull on the wrist restraints. Rocking them up and down. "Stop doing that, Emmie. You'll rip them open," He holds my arms down.
"Don't touch me," I mutter but I'm sedated so I don't really care anyway. I keep my arms still and he removes his hands.
"Mentally she's not in a fit state to give a statement let alone stand up and speak in court. I don't know how to help her. Hopefully, the medication will help and I can get through to her."
"Stefan?" I look at him and he looks at me, "You know I was scared? Scared to become Psycho." He nods at me and frowns thinking where the hell is she going with this. "I'm not scared anymore. I want to be her again, but I don't know how. I don't know how to be brave. I don't want to be weak like this but I can't stop."
"Emmie, you are brave. Remember that, she changed you for the better. You need to find a happy medium. Don't let the darkness take you." I start to pull on my restraints again but this time I can't stop. I fight it, I don't like being strapped down to a bed. "Sedate her, all the way." Stefan says.
I continue to fight until the darkness takes over. When I wake again I have no idea what day it is or even the time. I'm laying flat again and I stare at the ceiling waiting for time to pass. I watch the light that has a very faint flicker. I zone everything out, I don't process people coming and going. It's just a daze.
"What the fuck is going on here?" I hear Damon shout. I don't respond, I'm numb. I just continue to watch the flickering light.
"She needs to be kept sedated. She made a suicide attempt. She needs to be kept here, sir." His hands hold my right hand. I don't know who was talking.
"On who's orders? Is she in a coma? Why is she restrained?" Damon says softer now. I can smell him but I still don't move.
"Her Psychiatrist, Stefan Romero. He wants to keep her sedated, no she's not in a coma. She's aware but she hasn't responded to us for 2 days. He wants to keep us updated on her progress although there hasn't been any. Although she's happy to take her medication."
"Enough, will you call him in for a consult?" I don't hear a reply so I guess he is following his orders. "I'm sorry baby. I'm here now, I couldn't come because I needed to look after Lilly," he lays next to me.
"Don't touch me," I whisper hardly audible. "Please, I don't want anyone to touch me," I beg. He doesn't move.
"I'm here baby. I won't let you push me away." He continues to hold me. I start rocking my arms again trying to break free. "Hold on baby." He lifts my bed into a sitting position.
"I don't want you to touch me. I don't want anyone to touch me. I don't want to see you." I say again louder this time. I continue to rock and he undoes my hand restraints.
"I don't believe you baby. Where have you gone?" he whimpers. He lays next to me holding me. "I know you don't want to withdraw from me deep down and I won't let you. I will do the fighting for the both of us."
"Rider?" Stefan says. I stare at Stefan in the doorway. "You can't take her restraints off, they are for her own safety."
"I want you to fucking explain this to me. Why is my wife an empty shell barely functioning? Why the fucking hell does she look like this?"
"Calm down, I don't actually work here you know? I've been doing the best I can for Emmie. She told me she wants to stay sedated. I think it's best until the meds kick in at least. She doesn't want to die as such. But she said she would hurt herself again if she got the chance."
"She spoke to me. Is that an improvement? Why won't she respond to me if she's awake? It doesn't make sense. None of this makes any sense. Why doesn't she want to fucking see me? I want you to take her off the damn drugs. She's not living like this."
"She's calm now but when her sedative wears off she becomes hostile, aggressive. When I saw her for her consult she was very detached and withdrawn. She wanted to be brave, she wanted to be Psycho again but she couldn't do it. She thinks you don't want her anymore and that she's easily replaceable. I told her you were coming but she said she refuses all visitors. How did you get in anyway?"
"I have my connections in here. What do I do then? Just let you do this to my wife? We need her home not stuck in here."
"You must trust that I know what I'm doing. I need to keep her sedated for a couple more days at least. Talk to her, try to get her to come back. It's just a waiting game, she has no more fight left in here. We are just keeping her alive until she fights again." He holds me tighter. "You really need to restrain her, I'm not sure your influence will help this time. I'm sorry."
"I'm not restraining my wife whilst I'm here." I continue to stare at Stefan who is still standing in my eye line.
"Fine, I'll give you a minute. Just go easy on her, no expectations." Stefan looks at me and then heads out the door.
"Emmie, come on. I need my wife back, you are everything to me. I'm sorry okay, I'm sorry I do stupid things to make you doubt that. I just can't bear the thought of losing you because you mean fucking everything to me. I could never replace you." I continue to watch the door. "What would I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in, and you kicking me out You've got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down," He's singing softly to me and it sparks something inside. I close my eyes and listen to his beautiful voice.
He's singing All of Me by John Legend. He always picks such meaningful songs. "What's going on in that beautiful mind. And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright," Tears fall down my face. It reminds me of our Vacation when everyone wanted me to sing again. He finishes the song and gets his phone out and shows it to me.
"I want to show you something." He flicks through his phone in my eyesight. I don't look at it just continue to stare into nothingness. "The manager sent it to me. The bar owner wanted you to see it." He plays the video and I hear rather than see because I'm not focusing. I recognise the voices, it's Damon singing. It was a magical day, I start to get agitated and start itching my bandages but Damon doesn't seem to notice.
I remember this so why does he want me to watch this? I continue to pull at the bandages and then I hear it. The crowd, it's phenomenal, it's clear as day what happened in my point of view but to see it from the back. I look at the video and see the faces off all the people routing for me. It kick starts my heart. I felt the power and the love that day but this is something else. "Look at these comments Emmie." I do, and I don't believe them.
'She was amazing.' Damon continues to scroll down, 'I'd pay to see her live again.' I pull at my stitches whilst watching the screen. 'Where is she next singing?' I can't read anymore so I shut my eyes. It's inspiring but I'm still numb.
"Emmie, please." He hugs me again. I don't respond to the hug just continue to pull at my stitches. "Stefan mentioned that you want to become Psycho again. I never told you what she meant to me." What she meant to him? "What you meant to me when you were like that. I didn't think you were capable of hurting people. I wanted to get you out of there but you were happy. You played your little game."
"And it was fucking hot Emmie. My wife the seductress. Your every move was mesmerising, if your goal was to seduce me it fucking worked. When you took that guys shirt off I could have killed him. He was so close to you, I was jealous. You were touching him and you were protective over him. When we went downstairs you were so close to the leader that it made me uncomfortable. But you were happy. I watched your every move, I couldn't take my eyes off you. Although you were ruthless, you had every mans attention but they didn't dare touch you."
"You cleared that desk in one swift move and I just wanted to fuck you on it there and then. But then you called the other guy to you. I was jealous once more, the way you cared for him like he was yours. I didn't know what was going on. Did you want to stay or did you want me to save you? You were so confident in what you were doing it made my head blank. You came close to me and you wouldn't touch me. You had me right where you wanted me. I felt your knife on my hands and then I knew your intentions but you still had me jealous of every fucking guy in there. Then you let us shoot him, I felt like you gave me a reward. I was following your every silent command. You never fail to amaze me, Emmie."
"I love you," I whisper. I continue to pull my stitches. I never knew he felt like that, it gives me butterflies just thinking about it.
"Oh, Emmie. I fucking love you too. I miss you so much. Tell Stefan you don't want to be sedated. You aren't my Emmie like this."
"No, it makes me numb. I don't feel this way. It's the only way, the other way I wouldn't be here."
"What the fuck does that mean?" he turns my head and I try to push his hands away but he doesn't let go. "Your eyes Emmie. You aren't leaving us. You aren't leaving me. Do you fucking hear me, Emmie?"
"I failed Damon. I actually failed her, I didn't think I needed to worry about her but I was wrong."
"You didn't fail Emmie. We both missed it. This wasn't all on you. Who put you in here Emmie?" I push his hands again and he lets me face go.
"I told Sully that I don't know," I mutter, I start pulling away at my other arm. Damon sits in front of me so he can see my face.
"For fuck sake, Emmie. Sully suspected you were lying and I know you're lying. Even when you're like this. I can fucking tell."
"Fine, it's Mr Dudley the principal." I still pull away at the stitches, "He confessed his love to me. He loved me from the first day he saw me. He's been watching me, he knows everything except when I fake died. He thought I really did die, he was there. He was there when I was in the morgue."
"He was your fucking teacher, Lilly's fucking teacher. What do you mean he was there?" I still continue to look at the door, staring.
"He told them he was my uncle. He seemed really upset to see that I was dead. Lilly told him that I was still alive. He has photos of me, I have no idea what photos. He's crazy, he thinks that he should be my husband. He calls Lilly and I Salvatore. You have to keep Lilly safe from him."
"Why did you never tell me about that?" I shrug. I didn't find it important and I blocked it out. I see Stefan walk in and he frowns looking at my arms. Damon looks at Stefan, "I got her talking. See I know my wife."
"Yeah and I bet you didn't notice her pulling her bloody stitches out." I turn my arms over so they can't see it.
Damon grabs my wrists and turns them. I look at my arms and blood is showing through my bandages. Stefan leaves the room and shouts 'call her doctor. Dr Grey.' He enters the room again. I start to rock my whole body. "No," I beg. "No," I beg again.
"Emmie, calm down." I continue to rock violently. "What the fuck are you doing Emmie?" He tries to hold me still but I don't stop.
"We need to restrain her. Now." Stefan says. I pull my hands away and try pulling the bandages.
"Emmie. Stop it." Damon pleads with me. I want them to stop touching me. I start screaming. Stefan tries to stop me from hurting myself even more by holding my hands down.
"What is going on?" Lucas says. Between the three of them, they manage to get my hands into the restraints. "Who let her restraints free?"
"I did, my wife doesn't need restraining. She came back to me, I haven't seen her like that before."
I start pulling back and forth on the wrist restraints. "She needs them for her own safety. Oh, Emmie what did you do?" He starts to undo the bandages to inspect the damage. "Did you pull these one by one?" I don't respond to him. "Emmie, keep still."
I continue to pull and pull, "Sedate me." I whisper. Back and forth back and forth. I continue over and over.
"Emmie, no. Why would you want that? You used to beg not to be sedated before." I don't look at anyone I just keep the rhythm.
"Sedate me, Lucas," I say. I don't look at anyone, I used to. I used to love their faces. I could have watched them all day.
"Okay, Emmie. Stop." I do as I'm told and he gets the sedation. Damon puts his hand on Lucas's arm to stop him. "I need to keep her safe. This is what she wants." Damon removes his hand and Lucas injects me. I half-heartedly smile that I got my wish. I continue to stare into space, I don't fight the sedation anymore because it gives me comfort in my time of need.