I Don't Love You

Trigger me

  **trigger warning**
Cutting, rape and abuse.
  Lately, cutting hasn't been giving me the satisfaction I usually get, so I tried to cut deeper and deeper and deeper, then ended up hitting a vein. There was so much blood... I felt dizzy... I thought that it would finally be my way out, but no. James just had to save me. Instead of taking me to a hospital, he treated the wound himself because if he took me to a hospital, they would notice the bruises and hickeys everywhere and take James away. James didn't want that, so I ended up waking up in bed a day later with a stitched up arm and all my razors thrown out. James even hid the knives and scissors from me. I guess he really wanted to make me suffer...

  I looked around the washroom for anything- ANYTHING that was sharp. I just needed to feel the relief. Last night was really tough to get through; considering James went even harder and faster than last time. And also since he made me suck his- whatever. I didn't want to think about it.

My eyes landed on the trash can which was a wire basket. It was old and a few of the wires that made it up were sticking out around the top. I was so desperate; I just needed the relief. I knelt down and sat on the floor then put my wrist to a pointed piece of metal sticking out then whipped my arm downwards. It felt so good to have something split open my skin again. I watched as the blood dripped down my wrist and smiled. I did it again; I slashed my wrist on the metal piece and smiled from ear to ear. I wanted to do more... but I knew that James would notice, so I stopped.

  I stood up and started to bandage up the cuts when I heard footsteps coming closer. . . James swung open the door in a rage and grabbed my wrist. "Marshall-Lee! What did I tell you NOT to do?!" I looked down and mumbled "to cut..." finishing his sentence. "Yes, and what did you do?" "I-I cut..." He sighed then helped me treat the wound. As he wrapped gauze around my arm, he said, "you know this means I have to punish you." I gulped and lightly nodded my head. "I-I'm sorry, James. I just needed to cut..." He glared at me with his piercing blue eyes, "no, you didn't need to," he said sternly. After he was done covering the cuts, he dragged me by the hand to 'our' bedroom.
It's gonna happen again...

He pushed me onto the bed for what seemed like the millionth time and climbed on top of me. It's only been about two weeks, give or take, since Bubba left and it's been a living hell. James won't let me go outside, he won't even let me open a window. He's been tying me onto the bed every night and only untying me when he wants 'play time' as he likes calling it. I haven't slept in days and I've been refusing any food James gives me. I know I'm already dead, but if James was gone for long enough, I'd take those stupid ropes and make a noose then hang myself without a second thought.

I looked away from him as he kissed down my neck, leaving marks along my skin. This was nothing new anymore; my neck, shoulders, arms, stomach- nearly everywhere had hickeys or bite marks somewhere. He tied my hands together and placed them above my head so I wouldn't push him away while he took off my pants and boxers. "J-James..." I softly whimpered out through tears. "I-I don't want this..." I sniffled and looked at him with my watery eyes. "Why not babe? Don't you love me~?" That was a hard question to answer. I don't love him, but if I say I don't he'll hurt me more. If I say I do love him, he'll just think I'm enjoying getting raped; therefore making him think that 'it's not rape if I love him'. I just tiled my head down and shamefully nodded. I could feel him smile and look at me with his electric blue eyes. He forcibly flipped me over so I was bowing down with my ass sticking up, my hole fully exposed to him. I didn't dare to look back at him and just closed my eyes tightly as I felt his size slowly enter me then start thrusting.

I couldn't bare to experience this, so I closed my eyes tighter and pictured Bubba and I, laying in bed and cuddling each other. His eyes are closed and his lips are curled upwards a little, making him have a tiny, sweet smirk. I gently placed my hand on his cheek and he tiredly popped open an eye to look at me. He looks so amazing; the way the moonlight shone on his cheeks making a shadow in the shape of his profile on the pillows. I could stare at him all day. "Marshall?" he said in his sweet voice. "Yes Bubba?" He smiled happily and cuddled up to me. "I just wanted to hear your voice," he said. I breathed out a light laugh and held him closely. He felt so warm compared to me; warm, cozy and sweet. "Bubba?" "Yes?" I suddenly got nervous. "How long do you think we'll be together?" He smiled and looked up at me. "Forever, hopefully." I smiled and blushed, taking in the details of his face and noticing small, darker pink freckles scattered across his face. "I hope so... I hope so..."

I looked around with tired eyes and realized that it was over. James stopped doing it and I was now laying on the bed on my back and letting tears slip down my cheeks. I didn't recall what James had done to me, but needless to say, I was in pain. My ass and my hole both had a pulsating pain beating through my body. "That felt amazing~" James said as he cuddled up to me, still naked. He wiped away the tears that slid down my cheeks and gently kissed my forehead. "Don't worry, I'll give you more later~"

'More'...? He's going to do it again...?

I immediately burst into tears and covered my face. "Why do you keep doing this to me...?" I cried out to James. "Keep doing what?" he replied innocently. "Why do you keep raping me?! I never did anything to deserve this! I-I never did anything to you to deserve this kind of treatment! I just want it to stop! I-I just want you to stop! I want this pain t-to stop..." I was now curled up on the bed, covering my head and closing my eyes tightly in an attempt to stop the tears. "Marshall, sweetie, please don't cry. I'm sorry I hurt you," he gently placed a hand on my shoulder and I shrugged him away. "Don't touch me! I don't want you to touch me at all anymore..." he sighed and put his hand on my shoulder again. "Marshall, you should know how things work now. You listen to me, not the other way around. I'm going to touch you as much as I want, okay?" I sniffled and held my pillow to my face and cried. "B-but... I don't want to be touched anymore..." James sighed then got up from the bed and started to get dressed. "Again, that's not how it works. I'm going to make dinner, I want you downstairs in ten minutes."

  When James left the room, I quickly got dressed and looked around for my phone that James took away a few days ago. I finally found it under the bed in the same box that all of Bubs' old stuff is in and I immediately texted him. 

"Bubba I need your help! James has been abusing and raping me ever since you left and I need to see you or I think I'll go crazy! Just in case James finds out I texted you I just want to say that I love you so much." -delivered 19:23

I stared at my phone, nervously waiting for him to text back. After about five minutes, I saw the little empty text bubble pop up meaning that he was texting back and my heart went to my throat, I could barely breathe I was so nervous...