I Don't Love You

Love Of My Life, don't leave me...

My eyes fluttered open slowly. I could feel the sleep around my eyes holding them closed, but they eventually opened. I took in my surroundings, recognizing the roof pattern isn't the one I normally wake up to. I'm still in the Infirmary.

That's when it hit me.

If I turn to my side, my whole world will come crashing down. Once I see him, my life will never be the same. But I can't escape the inevitable. I took in a deep breath and let out a long sigh then slowly turned to my side to find...
The bed is empty. It's just me...
I sat up quickly, looking at one of the monitors and reading "on standby" in green text. (That means it's not hooked up to anyone/not in use for anyone not familiar with hospital equipment.)

This means he... Died in his sleep...? And I didn't wake up? I pulled my knees to my chest and sobbed. Somehow that hurt more than seeing him take his last breath. At least I would've seen him in his very last moments! I sobbed and I cried and weeped as long and as loud as I pleased. I couldn't even think of people possibly hearing me - I was just trying to picture his perfect face, nice and healthy and pink and smiling and happy.
I want him back...
I want him back
I want him back!!!
I need him, damn it!!!

Eventually someone heard me crying and came in to comfort me. They didn't tell me what happened just yet, they need me to calm down first. But words can't describe how I feel right now. I feel a physical pain - my heart feels as though someone ripped it out, tore it in pieces and stomped on it. Theres nothing I want more than to die and be with him again...

"- mister Lee, please calm down." Oh, she's talking? I realized I wasn't crying anymore and I looked at her. She jumped a little when she saw my face. Do I look that miserable?

"Mister Lee, I need to tell you what happened last night." I needed to know. Even if it broke me more I need to know. I nodded and let her speak.

Apparently, he did die in his sleep. The doctors and nurses didn't want to wake me so they turned off the monitor and brang him to another room, desperately trying to revive him - but to no avail. They said they brought him back for about 10 seconds and the last thing he said was "I love you." They assume he meant to say it to me but didn't realize I wasn't in the room with him.

The nurse left me alone for a while and even put a "do not disturb" sign on the door.

The whole day... I couldn't do anything but think about him. And cry about him. And think some more about him. I didn't leave the room once and only got up from the bed twice I think. No one knocked on the door, no one wanted to see me, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I wouldn't want to see me either - I probably look more dead than I already am.

Finally around sunset, there was a soft knock. "Come in," I said, my voice completely shot from crying all day. I looked towards the door. It's just Pep.
"Marshall, Evelyn wants to see you. She hasn't seen you in over a day." I gulped. I almost forgot about my own daughter already.
"Tell her I'll be up soon."
"She wants to see you now. She wants to know how Gumball is doing-"
"He's dead, Pep. He died last night..."
He jumped a bit and was clearly shaken, but swallowed his sadness to keep character. "Well then... King Marshall, your daughter wants to see you."

Crap I forgot. I'm supposed to be crowned king now... I sighed and got up slowly. "Go up without me, I'll be there soon." He nodded then left. How was I supposed to tell Eve? She has to know...

I made my way upstairs and was immediately greeted with my little girl hugging my leg. "Daddy you're back!" She's so happy, she doesn't even know...

All I could do was smile and pick her up. Maybe I don't have to tell her just yet...

Dinner was soon served and I just can't find the need for food right now... all I can think about is him. I want him to be healthy and happy and alive. I want him to be here to see our beautiful daughter, I want him to be here by my side...
I need him.
I need him.
I can't live without him.
He was absolutely my everything - my whole world, my sun my moon and my stars. He was my planets and he was the forces holding everything together. I've experienced loss before but never like this. He was there when no one else was...

"- Marshall, what's wrong??" A concerned voice snapped me out of it and I looked around, confused. "Marshall, are you alright?" It's Pep. I'm still at the dinner table but it's dark out now and Eve is gone.
"...what happened?"
"I think you blacked out..."
I nodded. That makes sense - I've blacked out before but never when I was sober.

"You're crying too..."
I wiped my eyes and looked at my hand to see tears smudged across my palms.
"Oh... When did that happen?"
"Just after I put Evelyn to bed. Why're you crying...?"
I almost laughed, as if it's not obvious enough! "Why the hell do you think, Pep? The love of my life just died! I have nothing to live for now! Nothing!!!" I shouted at him as I got up from my chair and walked to the kitchen and he followed.

"What about Evelyn? Don't you want to live for her?"

"Well I have no choice now, do I?" I reached under a cabinet and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. I need to forget....

"Marshall! Put that down! What would Gumball think?"
"If he really loves me he'd understand," I said harshly as I twisted off the cap and took a swig. It burned my throat a little but it felt so nice to feel something other than sorrow. This might become a habit...

I went to my bedroom with the bottle in my hand, Pep still shouting at me like an angry parent. I just ignored him and locked myself in my room.
"Just leave me alone, Pep!"
I heard him sigh loudly then stomp away. Go ahead, be mad. Not like I care anymore...

I drank a little more than half the bottle then layed down on my side of the bed. It feels so empty without him... No, I can't think about him right now... I took another big sip of the whiskey then passed out.

God, please... Just take me now before I hurt myself or someone I love...