Make You Smile

Your smile is gone I noticed it bad.

AN: Scruffy emo acoustic Mark was such a look tbh.

August 17th 2000

Taylor's P.O.V

I'd spent a long deciding whether I wanted to stay in England but I wanted to see my brothers more. I'd already missed so much of them growing up. After graduation I'd moved to L.A.

I was writing reviews for a music magazine but the pay wasn't great so I was working at a record store too to pay the bills. My mom and dad had offered to help out but I didn't want them to. I lived alone in a tiny little studio apartment.  It wasn't much but it was mine.  Today was my 21st birthday and I was going back home. 

I hadn't seen Tom in person since he'd left England but we spoke a lot on the phone.  We were totally cool. As for things with Mark...well they weren't so cool. I hadn't seen him since that awful night in my room.  And we'd barely spoken except for very sporadic small talk. I called but he rarely picked up. And he never returned my calls or voice messages.

I missed him so much. It hurt but I understood. He didn't want to talk to me anymore.  He had more important things going on in his life now. Skye would be almost due.  He was going to be a dad. My stomach rolled queasily at the thought. I hoped he was doing ok. Maybe it was just too hard for him to talk to me now after everything or maybe Skye had told him not to talk to me any more. I didn't blame her. I was a bad person. 

I'd had sex with Mark while they were together and she was pregnant. And then after all that was over when I was all drunk and feeling sorry for myself  I'd slept with Tom who was still happily in love with Jen. Yeah... I was a pretty horrible human being. Just when exactly did everything get so complicated and fucked up?

I shook my head and swallowed the lump of emotion in my throat deep down. I had to stop thinking about that. It had been 5 months.  Everyone made mistakes and I had to forgive myself for my own.

I clutched JB's birthday present in my hand I'd drop it in later. 3 years old today. I smiled remembering  holding her in my arms tight after she'd been born 3 years ago. And now everything was different.

I turned the radio on. I couldn't listen to cassettes or CD's anymore. Each one made me think of a memory. And all of them were about Mark. It just hurt way too much. 

I exhaled unsteadily as The Cure 'Pictures of You' began to play. Really radio you had to play that song? I smiled bitterly. Great. So the world really did want me to feel pain.

We used to make out to that song a lot in the back seat of the Cougar.   We'd danced to this song in my beach house on prom night in our bare feet.  I could still remember how soft the rose petals felt beneath my feet and how soft his lips felt against mine. 

🎶There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart 🎶

I drove trying to block it all out. Trying to block him out. But it was no use.

Later

I was sitting on the couch with Zach clutched against my side. He'd get too big to want to hug me like this soon like Corey had.  I held him tighter against me.

Corey seemed to be growing exponentionally. Maybe he'd be even taller than Tom some day.  I'd spent my birthday at home with my family. I didn't feel like going out or throwing a crazy party. I'd leave all that to Tom when he turned 21 in December.

Zach looked up at me and I smiled at him.

He was thinking.  Zach usually just blurted out what was on his mind.  I ruffled his curls between my fingers.