Make You Smile

What went wrong?

September 17th 2004

Taylor's P.O.V

I smiled at Mark from the side of the stage. I was so happy for him and I was incredibly proud of him too. They were playing tonight for Robert Smith. It was completely crazy to think he'd written and performed a song with him and now they were playing one of his songs for him at the MTV Icon awards.

I'd met him earlier. Robert Smith I mean. I still couldn't quite believe it.  I'd made a total fool of myself in front of him. But he didn't seem to mind. He was a shy, awkward guy too. 

I watched as Mark shook out his arms and legs a little. They'd start recording the next segment soon after the ad break was over.  The crowd was already going crazy.

I sometimes thought Mark had absolutely no idea just how amazing he was and just how far he'd come. How far they'd all come together.

Together.

I sighed and bit my lip as I watched the visible tension between Tom and Mark on stage. A friendship and working relationship that had once seemed so easy, natural and unbreakable was strained and disintegrating before my eyes. It was awful. And there was absolutely nothing I could do or say to fix this. I thought we'd be best friends forever the three of us but things were just so complicated now.

Tom had apologised for his behaviour profusely and we'd both accepted it. But things had been strained since then.

For the past year I'd tried to keep the peace between them. Sometimes I  sided with Tom, sometimes with Mark but mostly I'd sit in the middle and try to be fair.  Jen, Travis and I were stuck in the middle and it wasn't fun.

Everyone was tired. Most of all Tom. Mark was good at pretending things were ok.  Tom wasn't. Things couldn't go on like this for much longer. And as it turned out they wouldn't.

Jen smiled at me as she placed yellow ear protectors over Ava's golden head. She was watching her dad from Jen's arms like no one else in this world mattered. Tom and Jen were doing better they'd taken Ava along on this tour and it seemed to be working but I knew Tom wasn't happy. I could see it on his face. And Mark put on a good show but his eyes gave him away. I knew he wasn't happy either.

He didnt speak about Tom or band drama with me it was like an unwritten rule. I guess he didn't want to put me in an awkward position with Tom. It was so sweet and thoughtful of him. But I just wished Mark would tell me everything. He always shut himself off alone when he got sad. And it killed me. Any time I tried to get him to open up he'd just kiss me on the forehead and tell me "not to worry" and that "everything was fine" but it wasn't. I could tell.

Tom. Tom was another matter entirely. I loved him. Tom was my best friend and had been with me through everything. Even all the heartache Mark and I had caused each other. But he'd changed. He wasn't the boy I'd once known.

He was moody, temperamental, erratic...part of me feared he was still taking meds he shouldn't be. But I had no idea how to bring that up without him getting mad at me. He couldn't be. He was a father now. He wouldn't do that...would he? I knew Tom better than anybody but recently I felt like I didn't know him at all.

"Is it time yet? I cant see anything back here." Pouted JB.

I grinned down at her and shook my head. She was just as petulant as her favourite Uncle. JB was up to my waist and growing every day. 7 years old and sassy as a 13 year old. I lifted her up on my hip which I knew I wouldn't be able to do with her much longer.