Puddles

Smile

"Look at her, she's the image of perfection, and I'm the exact opposite!" I wailed to my friend, my chest filled with an intolerable sorrow.

"She's got a life that I always wanted. Everything she needs, she gets, everything she wants, she gets. It's not like that for me." I mumbled, looking at the ground.

I looked up at the starry night sky, the moon shining brightly. "I know it's stupid, because I'd rather have to work to where she is, but sometimes, I just want it handed to me on a silver platter, you know? That's what she has."

I exhaled, blowing a lock of hair out of my face. "I guess it isn't only because of her getting everything she wants, I suppose it's also because I liked her at one point. Overtime I see or hear her, it makes me sad.She's out there laughing, enjoying her time, meeting new people, loving other people, and I'm here, completely hopeless. Sometimes, I feel like I could single-handedly tons her into a fire without a feeling of shame, and those thoughts don't scare me. Other times, all I want to do is to curl up into a ball and cry for hours on end." I glanced at my friend, her eyes filled with concern. I turn my face back to the sky, and sit there for a minute, letting my eyes roam the sky, a dazzling view of gleaming stars against a dark purple canvas of night sky. 

I collected my thoughts, my mind trying to piece together what I would say next. The silence that consumed my friend and I was a comfortable one, the type of silence where two people could sit together without saying anything and still feeling as though they were growing closer together. "I understand what you're saying." My friend broke through the silence, her voice startling me out of my thoughts. "It's hard to see that someone you fell for and got to fall for you moved on so quickly, abandoning you without the slightest hint of remorse, no 'sorry' to keep you company, no 'we'll stay friends' to give you hope. You know she's still alive because of her updates and stuff, but maybe all that is doing is dragging you down. Not you still reading stuff of hers, but she's dragging you down." 

"I never thought of it like that before, I always assumed that it was my fault. Maybe I had been wrong to tell her how broken I was, to entrust her with my deepest secrets, some of which no soul on this earth will ever know." I reply, opening up my heart to only my trusted friend and the silent night. 

"I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You're always giving everyone else credit, but you seem to lack on giving yourself credit. I'm afraid, my dear friend, that you will only keep falling in love with the toxic people until you give yourself the credit you deserve." My friend continued, and I clung onto her every word as though her words would save my life. 'They probably could save my life.' I thought to myself, mulling over her words. 

"You see, the problem with the last person you liked, she mistreated you. She did things she definitely should not have done while 'liking' you." She finished, the silence sweeping over us once more. 

If she was right, then maybe it was time to stop letting others control me simply because I loved them too much to stand up for myself. "When she posted that post mocking me, she claimed I was 'villain-izing' her, and playing the victim. What do you think?" I asked before the silence became too long. 

"I don't think either of those were true. She did mistreat you, which caused her to be a villain, and technically speaking, you were—are the victim. She put you through a lot, beating down your spirit, technically cheating because although you weren't technically in a relationship, she did that while liking you, and mistreating you. Then suddenly when you need to talk it out the most, she's up and gone, leaving you without the means to go on? That's mistreatment." My friend said, waving her arms every so often to add emphasis to her words. 

"Maybe you're right. Maybe you are right about all of this. But I don't know if I can ever break through these type of thoughts, the ones where I feel like I'm in the wrong. Perhaps I'm going to be in this one loop of negative-positive thoughts, where all I want to do is make up my mind and settle down." I say, turning my head away from the sky, away from my friend, and instead, out to the never-ending horizon, where the sky meets the land. 

"I always thought that there was more to me than just my name. I always thought that nothing would ever break me down. But now, I'm not so sure. When I was a young child, I dreamed of one day finding y one true love, my happy ending, waking up next to someone, someone loving me and holding me when I needed their comfort the most. Someone who knew when I wanted to be alone, but not to leave me alone. I know that person is out there. But I don't know who they are. It feels as though the world is ending, and the metaphorical people in my mind are wreaking havoc on my brain. I'm not a simple person, I know. In the case that the world ends, of course I would try everything I can to stop it. But things keep slipping from my grasp, like grains of sand." I said wistfully, my mind thinking aloud. 

"Love is tricky like that. You meet someone who claims they love you more than they really do, and they mistreat you. But when you realize your worth more than that and start standing for yourself, they become frightened because they can't keep hold of you. So they leave. And it isn't hard on them, because they never cared anyway, but it's hard on you because they're like a drug. Intoxicating. Addicting. Hard to let go of." My friend said, and I sat up, looking at the blades of grass between my legs. 

The grass looked different at night than during the day, almost as though everything has been replaced with a darker, harsher version. "This is your moment, don't let it pass by. You always seem to be fixing trouble, being a hero almost as though it's your middle name. You already know how to fix this, and theres no better time than now. Don't give up. Don't give in. But above all else, always remember to smile." My friend said, facing me, and grabbing my hands in hers, a determined look on her face, almost as though she would do whatever it takes to change my mind. 

I smiled slightly at her.

She was right, of course. I can't give up or give in, whether or not its a matter of sink or swim, I had to push through this. Courage could be my claim to fame, I just have to take the stand and not throw away my shot.

In other words, I had to keep smiling. 

A/N~ Ok, this one shot is actually based off of something very real that happened. I'm not going to say who it happened to, or who caused this broken person to think this way, but I got permission to use this and alter it slightly so as to keep people's privacy. If you wanna see the part of the person mistreating the other person, the photos will be in my rant book 'History Has Its Eyes On Me.