Puddles

I Deserve

I deserve a reward for not losing my head and going insane yet, because by the time y'all are reading this, I have been through a ton, and the fact that my head still sits on my neck is amazing. I expected it to be floating off in outer space by now.

I suppose things tend to affect me more than I'd like anyone to know. So, I just tend to cover it up with a smile and head off on my merry way. Even as I write this, I struggle to hold back the tears, because by god, I will not allow myself to cry. Crying is a sign of weakness, and even if I'm all alone, I won't let the room see my tears. I won't let me see my tears. 

I'm biting my cheek so hard right now to distract myself from the emotions. I hate feeling like this. Deep breath in, deep breath out. I just have to repeat that. I just have to think about the writing. Think about writing. The only thing that matters at this moment in time is the writing. 

I refresh the page and glance at the messages on another window. I steel myself, my eyes quickly skimming over the response, understanding what I had to, and clicked away, my muscles tensing in a never ending cycle to keep the dam of tears from flooding over. 

I am not my younger self anymore, the overly sensitive crybaby. I am the strongest sister, physically, emotionally and mentally. I have a tough outer skin, so why is this suddenly bothering me so much? I haven't let myself shed more than a tear since I made myself toughen up. Crying is practically a foreign word to me by now. I cannot revert back to my crybaby ways, not after all this time.

I've tried speaking, voicing my thoughts and emotions, but no one responds. No one told me where I had went wrong, making the wrong assumption. And of course, now I'm paying the price of being an emotionally drained teenager.

I really gotta get my life together. I should focus on my studies, who needs people, am I right? I'm wrong. I'm so wrong because in an instant, my mind flashes to all the people I consider friends, three of them even being teachers, their faces flicking through my mind, a mental slideshow, if you will. 

Will I ever be anymore than I have always been, always sitting on the sidelines as I cheer others on, and push my own needs aside. That's how it has been for such a long time now though, me supporting others and neglecting my own needs. 

I'm afraid that that might be how it is for the rest of my life.

A/N~ it's been a while, and this is a short one, i know, i saw this on a creative writing prompt site, and I liked the thought, so now here we are. Uh, tell me what y'all think of it, and if y'all have any ideas you'd like me to write, leave them in the comments.

~Triceratops, out