Puddles

"Why Do You Write...?"

Why do I write? That is a question that I have had to ponder for hours at night, turning over the question again and again, ruminating on all the possible answers to that question. Oh, the hours I have spent laying awake, unable to sleep, all because I was wondering myself, "Why do I write?"

I have many answers for that, however, I am not sure if anyone will like them. I suppose the main reason I write is due to how I was raised as a child. I was raised in such a way that I soon learned if I wanted to get anywhere in life, I would have to dedicate nearly all my time to my work. I would have to be willing to spend nights upon nights slaving away to get my point across. 

Even then, I knew nothing would be handed to me on a silver platter, that I would not be able to depend on anyone at all. I could only depend on myself, and perhaps that is why I come off as too confident in myself at times. However, in my own defense, no one will stand up for me; I have to do it myself. 

And I know that, because in a place that frowns upon immigrants, it's very hard to imagine that very many kind hearted people would help a first generation American, especially after hearing that I'm Muslim as well. That, my friends, is the cherry on top of the ice cream right there. It opened my eyes to the fact that I had to toughen myself to the world, that any sign of vulnerability gave everyone around me the chance to attack. I had to have the upper hand and keep up my guard at all times. No one was to be trusted.

This is the main reason I struggled and still struggle to create friendships. It isn't due to any social awkwardness; no social anxieties, it was because I couldn't let my guard down long enough to show people that underneath that cold, quiet skin was a carefree and typically happy girl, willing to try just about anything, and go on any adventure. 

Needless to say, I remained feeling lonely for many of my years, despite the amount of people that knew the top layer of my personality. 

Another reason for my writing like I'm constantly being threatened with death is that writing honestly gives me stability in life. Seeing as my life is constantly a mess of tangled emotions I can barely decipher, being the peacemaker of my family, and remaining on top of my studies, this typically means that I'm under incessant stress. 

So, really, the only two things that I can count on to bring me peace are writing and music. They're the one things that I can trust to never look down on me for being different, for being me.