Puddles

Tears

authors note at end, please read!

Tears. Some say crying relieves stress. Me, I don't allow myself to cry, I don't know why, but no matter how much I need to, I can't bring myself to shed more than a tear. I just let the stress build up, and I contain it behind a mask of a happy-go-lucky girl. Tears only make everything worse, for example, it makes you lose water, and who wants that, right?

I don't want to look weak either, and I know that there are people who will say that it won't make me look weak, but I used to be a major crybaby, and I know for a fact that it does make you look weak. 

No one understands, they really don't. When your whole world is falling apart, everything changing, and not necessarily for the better, what do you do? What do you do when during that, you feel stuck, as though you've been strapped into a chair or trapped behind an impenetrable glass wall? What do you do then? 

How do you break free? More importantly, how do you save it all? Usually I don't think about things like this until one in the morning, when everyones asleep and I'm the only one awake. During those times, these type of thoughts seem to choke me, they rage inside my mind, crashing against one another like waves of a sea during a storm, churning in a dark blue bottomless pit. 

Of course, the thought of being the only one awake, and being in the dark does add a certain queasiness to the whole thing, and anxiety stirs up inside of me. 

And now, for some reason, everything is hitting me a lot earlier. Typically I deal with it by writing it all down, but this time, it isn't working, and this music flowing from my headphones only makes it grow, but I can't bear to turn it off. I can't do that. 

Music isn't my whole life, it isn't my main focus in life, but hearing music and creating it is really a big part of me. I'm a nerd, I know, but there's a certain something about how a symphony of notes blending with one another that really can strike emotions in even the strongest. 

Sometimes, I wish I could gather the courage to get on a stage, by myself, gather all my emotions in one big ball of feelings, and sing it all. Give a little piece of my thoughts to everyone in the crowds. I don't ever want to close my eyes, I don't want to miss anything. 

I don't want to lose precious moments with my best friend and my family. 

The point to all this is that time is slipping through my fingers like soft drifting sand on a beach, and there's just so much that I have to do. More often than not, it feels as though I have to do it all alone, as though I already am doing it all by myself.

And no matter what I do, I can't help but feel as though I'm always letting down those that I really care about. I constantly think I'm not only letting down, but bothering my best friend, and at this point, I don't know what to do anymore. It hurts to think I might be burdening my best friend, but more often than not, I often find myself alone anyways because I'm too much to handle. 

So, I always find myself hiding a lot of my thoughts, and a majority of what I feel, because if I lose the best person in my life, I'll never find another person like my best friend.

This is why I'm writing this in a stupid diary. Because it turns out I'm too much of a coward to say anything because I don't want my best friend to leave. Because I don't want my family to see how sensitive and torn I really am.

Gotta go now, goodnight.

A/N~ i know its been a very long while since i last updated, but i had no ideas or motivation, so...yeah. also, that song up there is really really good, not to mention it fits this chapter rather well. Talk about a double bonus. 

sooooooooooooooo.....as per usual, if you guys have any suggestions, i would love to hear them, just leave them in the comments, and as always, leave your thoughts on this as well.