attack on titan ; one-shots [DISCONTINUED]

my love for you // erwin smith

letter au!
angst.
mentions of suicide.

—

(y/n)...

I don't really know how to start this letter that I have written out of many, but by the time this reaches you, I will be gone. For good.

Should I say that the first thing I found mesmerizing about you had been your aura or your smile? I am not sure.

Both were quite deluding after all.

Every time I made you laugh, I wonder if it had been truthful or another lie among many. Every time you said I love you back — making my heart beat fast — I wonder if at some point you actually meant, or at least from the start.

Do you remember the necklace I gave you? The one that not long after, you were wearing it and showing it off to another guy saying how hard you worked to earn it? It made me wonder...

Did you work hard to earn my love just to throw it away like that?

Every night that you'd be home instead of being out with the excuse of overworking — I didn't know overworking was sleeping around, (y/n). It really hurt me.

You broke my heart in unimaginable fucking thousands of pieces, as I write this, I question out loud if I still actually love you.

My love for you was real... was yours too? At least at the start?

That one promise that we both made in that night at the circus fair... the one where someday at an old age I would still be holding your hand and you'd be leaning against my shoulder...

Now I realise how ridiculously in love I was with you. Out of all the times Levi told me to leave you aside since you were no good, should I tell you that even my best friend had lied to me?

Both you and my best friend betrayed me, but somehow, I feel relieved by the fact that you had never been too serious with him. It also relieved me to think that he wasn't the only one you were tricking.

Out of many, many of your minions — I know that somewhere in your mind, you would think too highly of yourself — was I the most pitiful one? Too bad I wouldn't be listening to your answer, (y/n), I would've honestly liked to know.

Let me tell you...

The reason why I am doing what I'm doing is not because I am so tired of your bullshit, oh no, not even because I can't breathe with this so called love I have for you and the type of live you have for me.

It's not because of you that I'm dying inside.

It's not because of you that I'm suffocating.

You at least, somehow, became one of the people who tried to stop me from doing this. How many times have you rescued me from my hellhole? I can't even count with the fingers in my hands and feet.

People often complimented me on whatever I did, my work, my intelligence — that they assumed I had from my father — and even my good looks. I was a role model to many, or so I heard.

They even complimented on things I had, you were one of them, do you want to hear what they said?

"You have a beautiful girlfriend! She is so smart and kind."

Too bad she cheats on me.

"Levi is such a great friend to you, he is also lucky to have you as his boss, huh?"

Too bad he doesn't think the same.

"Mr Erwin, some day I want to be just like you!"

Believe me, you don't.

"I wish I had your mind and way of thinking, Erwin."

Oh, but you have no idea what passes through it.

I have to admit, the list goes on and on. People want to be me and yet they don't really know what I'm like — or what it's like.

Should I say that I have planned it since a young age? If I fail in life, that is it, I should kill myself. But the thing, I succeeded in life.

What is my reason to end it all at once?

I had everything, I had money, I had a shitty best friend, I had you.

So why even think besides all that?

Pressure,

Anxiety,

Expection.

I was scared to fail, I still am. What if I fail to end my life? What if I just don't feel anything at all and then I wake up in a hospital bed with you and everyone worried — some even blaming themselves.

Will you blame yourself when hearing about me? I wonder. It isn't even your fault that I am doing this. I could've dealt with all of it.

But it just kills me slowly inside, it swallows me up and when I can't breath — I just can't breath.

Those thoughts ate every part of me in the darkest of the night when nobody was there, they silently ended me mentally and now I am just finishing off the job.

I hope you get to live a better life, don't overwork too much, (y/n).

Always yours,

Erwin