dear friend 💚
how are you ? i'm a mess
so i got woken up today at 9:30 by you and elijah shoving a dog in my face , that was lovely , the small white Pomeranian , she was so adorable , either way you've been seeing elijah a lot more lately even though you missed his birthday, your own son, , he's actually with you currently , you've been seeing him a lot more lately , it's a shame you can't see your daughter though, she's almost as fucked up as i am in the head at only age 9, none of us can see her much now , mom and dad have still been treating me like a child who shouldn't know anything yet there still keeping secrets from each other through me, you have no idea how many secrets i have been told to keep in our family , it doesn't help with anything , it's making things worse for everyone , i haven't seen lexi in a little more than a month , she refuses to come home because of mom, she can't seem to stop drinking ,
it's weird to think i started writing these when i was 13, i'm 16 now turning 17 at the end of this month, i'm getting closer and closer to death it seems, i don't really want to live past 20, doesn't seem like i will with how my thoughts have been the past few years , i've been thinking a lot lately about why i don't like being touched and will tend to flinch back whenever someone reaches out to me , because a stupid boyfriend last year, who only wanted me for sex before he was 18 , i kept saying no, but he refused to listen and he got very close to doing it anyway and whenever he got close to me he always was trying to just shove his hand down my pants , just leh,
anyway , i'm still scared someone else will try to do the same thing or hurt me , i know they won't but i can never be to sure , what happened to me , what happened to the ignorant small child before i was 10, i just leh. and my anxiety's been through the roof lately this year, it's been getting harder for me to breath as well , it feels like there's a rock of air in my throat all the time, ive been getting sick a lot more lately, probably just from anxiety, the only thing that's changed sense i started writing these when i was 13 is sense the new year started ive stoped cutting , ive wanted to , but i haven't , instead i've been writing , anything and everything, i can, ive been trying to distract myself with a different world as well, reading , different books to distract myself from the real world and go into a world where it's more of a dystopia or a distant future ,
for about a year now though because my anxiety has been getting worse i've been getting a lot more hallucinations as well, and more nightmares , gog i feel like i'm going insane
but i've been keeping quiet , so no one has to worry about me, they have there own problems anyway , why would they care about mine
💚🍄
