Nobis ✴︎ Pavel Chekov

Chapter Forty - Options

"You have two options here, you can tell her the truth, acknowledge that you've screwed up, again. Or, you could not tell her anything, have her find out the hard way and she'll never trust you again. Your choice."

"It's not really a choice is it," he mumbles, rubbing his head and sitting up. "I can't believe I hooked up with her, I can't believe even drunk Pavel was that fucking stupid..."

McCoy isn't accustomed to Pavel swearing, nor is he accustomed to the genius in front of him making such bad decisions. He frowns, asking Pavel if since coming to Starfleet, he's ever talked to anyone. Pavel assumes he means a therapist of sorts and shakes his head.

"I've always felt in control of myself. I never thought I needed to. I would get stressed, everyone gets stressed and I dealt with it."

"The way you're phrasing that Pavel, makes it sound like you're calling yourself normal. You're a child genius, thrown head first into a world of adults who don't understand you with no kind of support or counseling. You've managed, more or less, but I still think it's worth talking to someone."

"I've done more than managed, I've thrived. I'm navigating the Enterprise, it's not like I freaked out and dropped all my classes. Plus, I haven't been a social recluse either, I've had friends, girlfriends. Everyone has girl problems now and again. Stop trying to make this sound more abnormal than it is."

"Pavel, when you go through med school, you can tell me what's best for your health. Until then, I'm booking you in for a session and you better show up for it or I will take you off alpha shift."

"Ayy, you're really not making my day any better."

"I just informed you that you didn't drunkenly bang your ex, I think I've made your day a lot better, ensign."

He groans and places his head on the desk. He wants to go back to his room and collapse again. He thanks McCoy half-heartedly and heads back to his room. Sulu isn't there when he gets back, Pavel assumes he's in the botany lab. He does exactly as he planned, going back to his bed and falling into an uncomfortable sleep.

Pavel wakes to the sound of his PADD ringing and it's Emory, he planned to call her later but panics a little realising he hasn't planned what he wanted to say. He accepts her call, waiting for it to transmit and swallows, hoping that he isn't about to ruin everything.

"Emory," he says gently, smiling as her face shows up on his screen. "I need to talk to you."

"Why, did something bad happen?" Her expression hardens a little with curiosity or concern, he isn't sure which.

"Yes, I suppose. I just... I did something stupid." He pauses to try and read her expression, if it wasn't concerned before, it definitely is now. "There was a party in the rec room, I've been struggling up here in space... I thought I'd drink a little for something to do but I just kept drinking and drinking and so did Irina. She was getting me to translate for her in the night and we just sort of hung around each other and I ended up in her room. I... She started kissing me, kissing my neck. I didn't object... That's as much as I remember. I woke up with my belt buckle undone and..."

Before he can continue, his breath starts catching in his throat. He's panicking a little, the look of hurt on Emory's face is getting to him and he has to look away, biting his lip to hold himself together.

"We didn't have sex, that much I've confirmed but I think we did other stuff. I just.... I'm so sorry Emory, I'm so so sorry."

"Pavel, I need to go for a while, I don't know what to think... I'll ring you later when I clear my head a little, okay?"

"Emory, please..."

She disconnects, leaving Pavel feeling empty and too fractured to try and sleep again. He's scared out of his mind that he mightn't get her back. He makes himself get up and have a shower, hoping for any kind of relief, any kind of numbness. He hates how his brain will not let go of Irina, he hates how far away he is from Earth. He sits down in the shower, trying to focus on his breathing and the water hitting his skin. He starts thinking of the showers with Irina, the smells the textures. If he thinks hard enough he can almost smell one of the lotions she used. It was a strange honey and caramel mix, she always smelt like it and occasionally she'd use it in his hair. He remembers sitting down on the shower floor with her, open and laughing, her hands in his messy hair, massaging him gently. He smiles at the thought, internally scolding himself as soon as he does. He needs to let go of everything with Irina, not dwell on it.

"Pavel," Sulu calls out, peeking around. He hasn't seen his friend in a while and wants to see if he talked to Irina.

Pavel finds him, sticking his head out the bathroom and seeing Sulu in the kitchen. He has a towel around his shoulders still, his hair dripping a little. He gives Sulu and weak smile and he asks what happened and more so where he's been the whole day.

"I went and saw Irina. We went to McCoy, he took some swabs of Irina and mapped out what exactly happened last night. Wasn't as bad as I thought... We didn't has sex, which is good but we also did more than just kissing. I... I called Emory. Well, she called me but I told her everything. She didn't say anything, just that she needs time to think. I don't know when I should call her back... If I should call her back."

"I'm surprised you told her. Glad, definitely glad but I thought you would have put it off."

"The guilt was already eating me alive, I wouldn't have been able to make it through the conversation."

"You did the right thing," he mutters, patting him on the back gently. "I know it's hard waiting but I think she'll come around."

"I really hope so... I feel like I'd be pretty lost without her."

"I know. You're stronger than you think though, you'd manage."

Pavel gives him a gentle smile, glad his friend thinks better of him. He has confidence in his mathematics and intellectual capabilities but he's emotionally vulnerable with anything else. Sulu helps build his self-confidence, without even realising that he does so. They sit down together and eat for a while. Pavel isn't all that hungry but feels like after all the alcohol he had he probably needs something in his system. He opts for a burrito, feeling like it will soak up any alcohol left in his system. After all that he drank, he feels like it might be a long while before he's completely sober again. He sighs, putting his food down and rubbing his eyes.