Nobis ✴︎ Pavel Chekov

Chapter Fifty Two - 27 Steps

Pavel showers when he gets back, taking the time to consider talking to Irina. He has no idea what he'd say, he just wants to try and comfort her if he can. He finds himself hesitating just before reaching her door. He calculates how far it is away, telling himself all he needs to do is move the twenty-seven steps to get to her. He moves slowly, giving himself a reason for each step.

You can't leave her crying like that

She was always there for you

She made a mistake but you've done that with Emory and she still kept you around

Your pride isn't worth the guilt

She doesn't have anyone else on the ship for her

It's not like she's a bad person

What you had is worth trying to mend, even as a friendship

Every step, Pavel finds a reason to move forward. He stands outside her door and swallows, knocking and hoping that she'll come answer. The door opens and she looks up, looking away as soon as she sees him. He wonders if he had the same expression when she came and sat with him at lunch all that time ago.

"Irina... Can I come in?"

It takes her a few seconds to decide a response, stepping aside and letting him in. They take a seat on the couch together, Pavel wondering what he should say to start the conversation. He thinks he should have spent more time thinking the conversation possibilities through but it turns out he doesn't need to start the conversation, Irina does.

"Why did you come here?"

He swallows, she still looks so hurt and he's trying not to let the guilt affect him. "I, I didn't like seeing you heart broken. I know what it's like, I remember how awful it was... I can't start a relationship up with you again Irina, after everything that's happened, not just you cheating but also me dying. I don't think that'd be the right thing for us to do but I don't want you to be alone and I've decided I don't want you completely out of my life either..."

"Are you asking if we can just be friends?"

"I think so."

"Pavel, I don't know if I can be your friend without hurting. Remember how you felt when you first saw me in the mess hall? It's still like that for me and as I said, it's my own fault but it doesn't make things any easier."

"Irina," he says softly.

She looks up at him, eyes weary and almost like she's going to cry.

"Whenever it is you're ready, I'll be here for you. If you ever need a friend, I'm here for you. I want to forget all the bad things we've done. Whenever you're ready, okay?"

"Can I ask something though?" He nods. She swallows before continuing, trying to will herself to keep together. "When I was drunk that night and you were looking after me... I only remember one small snippet of it, the rest is long gone. I just... When I kissed you, I swear you enjoyed it, even for just a second. I swear there was something still there. Are you going to tell me I was wrong?"

"I... I, uh, I did... I enjoyed it, maybe even just for a split second. It was like in that time, everything that went wrong, never actually did... That's what I convinced myself anyway."

"If you feel like that then why, why, Pavel, don't you want to try again?"

He looks away, his heart racing. "I can't do that to myself Irina. I can't try again because I remember how much it hurts..."

"That's not why, is it? It's not that at all. There's someone else in the picture isn't there? The girl from the mess, is it her?"

"It's her," Pavel confirms quietly. "Since we split I've been falling deeper and deeper for her."

"Are you in love with her, Pavel?"

He stays silent, with no honest answer to give. Maybe he does love Emory. He hasn't let himself consider it until now.

"I don't know," he says, in all honesty. "I haven't let it cross my mind until now but I don't know. Maybe, just maybe I do."

She doesn't say anything, only sniffing and nodding. She's started to cry and Pavel places a hand reassuringly on her back.

"I'm sorry but I need you to leave. I need you to leave, Pavel."

He nods, standing up. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it, looking away and walking out. He feels his stomach tighten but he feels like he did the right thing in coming to talk to her. He can't stop thinking about her comment with the kissing. Maybe she has a point. Maybe he enjoyed it for a reason.

(Author's Note)

Based this chapter off the song 27 Steps by Cartel

Actually lost interest in this piece for a few months but just rekindled my love for it

Apologies that the update took so long but hopefully it was worth the wait

Lemme know what you think ✌️

<3 Clover