My Handsome Katipunero

KABANATA 41

Hindi pa rin maialis sa isip ko ang naging pag-uusap namin ni Emilio Aguinaldo kahit ilang araw na ang lumipas. Hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwalang nagawa kong kalabanin ang isang taong tulad niya. At that time, nawala ang takot ko. Napalitan ito ng galit.

I understood what he said. The leader is at the pinnacle of the organization. But he is also its slave. And in order to ensure the survival of the organization, he must be willing to commit any atrocities. But that is a twisted principle. I maybe called a heartless person before, which is not true, but betraying the person who treated you as an ally is the worse. Alam ko namang kapakanan lang ng katipunan ang iniintindi niya kaya nagagawa niya ang mga bagay na to. Alam kong gusto niya ring makalaya ang bayang 'to mula sa mga gapos ng mga kastila, but aren't we all the same? Lahat naman ng pilipino sa panahong 'to ay gustong makalaya mula sa pang-aalipin. Can't he work with everyone? Hindi naman kinakailangang pabagsakin niya pa si Andres. I can't believe that he was called a national hero, when in fact, all he did was be greedy.

I was too consumed by anger that time na hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na sabihin kay Andres ang mga nalaman ko. But before I could do that, Karlos appeared right in front of me  like the wild mushroom he was.

"You're being reckless again, Kristin."

"Out of my way, brat." I commanded and pushed him aside but he appeared in front of me again. Padabog akong huminto sa paglalakad at napabuntong-hininga, "What do you want?"

"I told you not to interfere. Ako ang makakalaban mo," he warned.

"I don't care. I'll just warn them."

"And by warning them, you'll be telling Bonifacio about Aguinaldo's plan. And by doing so, you'll be telling him about his future—"

"I don't fucking care!" I yield, unable to control my anger. "Change the future, prevent what is fated, I don't care! Bonifacio's arrest will lead to a bloody battle. Marami sa mga tao dito ang mamamatay!" I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from crying. I wanted to look strong. I wanted to be strong. But I betrayed myself. Tears fell and my voice started to quiver. Naramdaman ko ang panghihina ng aking mga tuhod. "M-maaaring kasama doon sina Antonio. Maaaring kasama doon ang mga taong mahalaga sakin. I would never let that happen, Karlos."

I saw how his frown turned into irritation. "Makikialam ka sa nakaraan! Hindi ba't sinabi ko na sayo na maaaring kang mabura sa hinaharap?" He drew nearer, "Kristin, may mga taong naghihintay sayo sa hinaharap. Hindi kita dinala sa nakaraan upang iligtas ang mga tao dito. Hindi mo sila responsibilidad. Dinala kita dito upang makilala mo ang sarili mo, upang iligtas mo ang sarili mo at hindi ang magpakabayani."

Natauhan ako. I remembered my parents. My kuya Kevin. Karlos was right. I still have my family.

Lumambot ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Karlos. Ang mga pagod nitong mga mata ay dumapo sakin. "Think about it, Kristin. Would you risk your chance to be with your family again for something that has already happened? Leave everything as it is, Kristin. Aguinaldo may be powerful now, but time is more powerful."

Naramdaman ko ang pagbigat ng aking dibdib. Muling nagsituluan ang mga luha mula saking mata. Hindi ko na alam. A moment ago, I was too confident. I was ready to tell Andres about his future demise, that I forgot about the consequences. I forgot about another precious people in my life. The people who's with me from the very start.

I don't know, Karlos... I don't know.

Ang nakaraan o ang hinaharap... Kahit ano naman ang piliin ko, magiging makasarili pa rin naman ako.

Napahiga ako sa damuhan. Katatapos lang naming mananghalian at agad akong pumunta sa pwesto kung saan kami nagkwentuhan noon ni Emilio. Sa ilalim ng puno malapit sa sapa kung saan madalas maglaba ng damit sila Amor. Presko ang hangin sa lugar dahil natatakpan ng malalagong dahon ng puno ang kinahihigaan ko. Small rays of sunlight pierced though the leaves. I raised a hand as if reaching the lights.