indecisive (on hold)

8.

(253 days before)

Today's the day. The day I had been dreading and anticipating. College. I am starting college today.  Holy shit. This is happening.

"Oh my god." I breathe.

I am beyond nervous, but my life is actually starting today. I sit on the edge of my bed. My arms resting on my knees. My head hangs low. My stomach is erupting in butterflies. My eyes have been orange since yesterday. I kind of like the look, but I prefer my normal grey. The orientation is at 2:00. It is 1:00. I have an hour.

I will be living in my apartment. I don't think I'd be able to stay sane living in the dorms. Getting to campus is only a thirty minute drive. So, at least I have that figured out. I have everything set. I will be taking morning classes, so I will have the rest of the day to myself. I will still work at Barnes and Nobles, but now, I have the afternoon shift. And I am perfectly okay with that. No Charley. Thank you, Lord. The downside is that I won't see Louis anymore. But, hopefully, I will see him at school.

I glance at the clock. It is 1:15. I should get going to be there a little early. I don't want to have to deal with the traffic of all the students getting there. I grab my bag, phone and head to my car. My car is an all black Dodge Charger. Yes, I have a car, but I like walking to work, since it is just down the street.

I slide into my seat and put the key in the ignition. The car roars to life and I sigh. My hands grip the steering wheel, it freezes over and I let go. I am actually doing this. College. I am in college. It is all surreal. I strap myself in and turn on the radio. Music will calm me down. It always has and it probably always will. Problem by Ariana Grande fills the small space. I smile. This song always gives me that 'I don't give a fuck' vibe. I pull away from the buildings as I sing.

"I got one less, one less problem." I sing, or try to. When Iggy's part fills the car I can't contain my laugh. I am a pro at her part. I will never be as good as her, but I am pretty damn close.

"Smart money bettin'

I'll be better off without you

In no time

I'll be forgettin' all about you

You saying that you know

But I really really doubt you

Understand my life is easy

When I ain't around you"

My mind drifts to him. He is gone. Out of my life, for the short days he had been in it. I never saw him again after that day at the lake. I can't help but wish he had come back. Every time the bell, above the door, rang at work, my heart stopped as I watched to see who it was. It wasn't him. I went to the library. Not to read. To watch the door in case he came in. He never did. I'd order pizza. To see if he'd deliver it. He never came. I went to the lake everyday after work, to wait for him to come again. He never returned.

Yesterday was the last day I would do any of that. I promised myself that. I don't want to see him. Did I? I did. So badly. But, I can't. He didn't care about me and he was no good. The two days he was in my life, my emotions were crazy. I was always nervous, anxious. It wasn't good for me. Now, I have to forget about him. And I can do that. Distract myself with school. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Now look at me. I'm better than ever before. I guess that was the only benefit of meeting him. I have a whole attitude change. Everything is easier, better. And I like it. 

I have been so caught up in my thoughts, I hadn't even realized, I was in front of the school.

"Fuck. Here we go." I am ready. Sort of. My confidence is a little higher. I have completely re-done myself for college. I wanted to start over. I hadn't cut since that one night. The night I ran into Harry at the pond. The night of the last time I'd ever see him. However, I have a jagged scar all the way down my arm to remind me.

I dyed my hair a chestnut color. It is now a light brown color. I have gotten it thinned and cut it. It is to right above my boobs. I have it curled into big waves today. I am wearing a red v-neck with a navy blue scarf. It is a little cold outside today. My jeggings tucked into tan riding boots. A thick black coat covers my body. I pull into a parking spot and grab my bag from the back seat. I turn off the car and lock it as I make my way to the entrance. I walk into the room and sigh. Many of the seats have already been filled. However, there are a couple free ones in the back. I take one and wait.

The orientation is beyond boring. They tell us we will be starting classes the second of September, due to Labor Day. Okay. I have the weekend to prepare. I'll be okay. I hope. When the orientation is over, I swiftly walk out, wanting to get home. A body pushes into me and I stumble. I turn to the body, annoyed.

"Hey. Watch it." I grumble as I face them. When I meet the face. I stop. "Oh my God. Louis!" I throw my arms around his neck as he places his around my hips. I have lost a little weight, so I don't mind as much anymore.

"Liz! What's up?" He laughs, "Oh my God. Look at you. I barely recognize you!" He gestures to my face as I blush. "Look at your hair. It's lighter, down, thinner, shorter? And you've got skinnier. You're so different. But still beautiful."

He looks to the ground as soon as the words leave his mouth. My blush deepens.

Beautiful? I was beautiful?

"Thank you." I smile. If he would've said that to me a month ago, my eyes would've been a rainbow. Now, I control my eyes, easily. One less thing to worry about. "How have you been?"

"Good. Great, actually. Do you remember that girl? Eleanor?" He questions and I nod. "Yeah, well, she's kinda my girlfriend, now." He blushes and my mouth falls open. I smile and jump up and down.

"Aw Louis! That's amazing!" 

"Yeah. She's great."

"Awwww! I'm so happy for you!"

"I want you to meet her."

"What?" Why would Louis want her to meet me? I mean, I understand like everyone knowing each other, but why?

"Liz. You're one of my best friends. I need my best friend to properly meet her."

I smile at his words. I am his best friend. I nod.

"I'd love to meet her, Louis. When?"

"Well the first day of school, my fraternity is having a party. To, you know, kick off the start of the year. She's gonna be there and I want you to come."

A party? I am no good with parties. They terrify me. So many people. The thought makes me uneasy. But, Louis is my best friend. This is for Louis. You'll be fine. For Louis.

"Alright, Louis. I'll come. Text me the address later."

"Of course. Thanks so much Liz. I'll see you there."

"See you there." I return as we hug goodbye. I watch him walk away as I secure my bag around myself tighter. I pray the party won't be too much for me to handle, as I make my way to my car and climb in.