indecisive (on hold)

29.

Liz's POV

My eyes begin reading the inked words. Some are smeared and some are perfectly printed. I look at the date. June 11, 2013. This was written over a year ago. I faintly remember writing, but never what it was about.

I am currently in Aspen, Colorado. It is very beautiful here. And that is the very reason I do not belong. I do not belong in beautiful places like this, because I am not beautiful. I am not a beautiful person. Inside or out. I am tainted. I am a sinner. I am a liar. I am disgusting. I do not belong in a pure place like this. I plan to stay for a little while longer, but I will move. I don't know where I will stay, or if I will stay in one place. But, I am tired. Tired of running from him. He haunts my memories and my dreams and maybe I am tired of letting him haunt my future. I have been running for so many years. Too many. Town after town, city after city, state after state, country after country.

I stop and take a deep breath. I remember running from him. It was so lonely. I never had a place where I felt comfortable. I would make a friend, perhaps in the room next door to mine, depending on which hotel it was that month. Then, I would leave. Afraid that he would find me. I continue.

I plan to attend a college. Somewhere in Colorado. I do like it here, I do not belong, but it is very nice. Maybe I can take my mind to a different place by filling my head with school. Maybe I will be safe. No. Of course I would never be safe. He is a whole. He lives forever, as do I. I have to spend an eternity running from him. I don't believe I am strong enough to kill him myself. But, I do not know any wholes or halves. I know me and him, and that is all. I don't know how to find any. I am still mastering my eyes. They change color randomly sometimes, my panic attacks make it difficult.

Panic attacks? I had panic attacks?

Frost often shoots out of my hands, coating the room. Sometimes it covers my steering wheel. It's scary, but I do like the fact that I can control water. Sometimes when I'm lazy I flick my wrist and bring water to my mouth, it's fun. I also enjoy that I can fix things. I'm very clumsy so when I break things, I can fix them just as quickly. But that is the only luxury, the rest is a curse. But, I have to deal with it.

Liz Winters

I close the journal. I look at Harry and I start crying. His arms immediately wrap around my body, pulling me into him. I let him comfort me because I obviously trusted him enough to date him. I need someone; he's the only one here. I shove my face into his shoulder. I feel my body shake, but I can't hear my moans or my whimpers. I can't hear his comforting words.  I feel the room get colder and I ball my hands into fists, remembering not to touch him. If I do, he will know. He will know I am not normal and he will leave. He's all I have; he's not allowed to leave me.

He rubs his hand into my back. I cry harder. I desperately wish I could hear what he would say to me. And I desperately wish I could remember the sound of his voice to picture what he would say to me. The only voice I hear is his and I break. I want him to get out of my head. I just cling harder to Harry. I finally comprehend all that has happened. I am Elizabeth Rose Winters. I was in a car accident and I went into a coma. I came out of it without my memory or my hearing. I am Elizabeth Rose Winters, and I am destroyed.

***

Harry leaves late that night and I'm very happy he likes to spend time with me. I like spending time with him, however I feel a little hate for him. I like Harry, but he is the reason I am like this. He is the reason I am deaf and he is the reason I can't remember. Well, maybe it isn't all of his fault. But, I was in the car with him. I wonder where we were going, or where we were coming from. I should ask him tomorrow.

I continued to read my journal for about an hour. I put it away soon, my eyelids drooping. A nurse comes in for a little and checks my broken leg, surprisingly that's the only major physical damage that was done to me body. Harry has a boot on his leg and it surprises me how fast he's been healing. He only wears a brace on his broken arm.

Most of the entries are the same. Some bring back memories, some don't. I place it next to me and lay down on my side. I stare at the wall next to me. I hear nothing. I try to remember. It hurts my mind to try to bring back memories. They all get fuzzy after I move into my apartment. I frustrate myself. I sit up and slam my palms into my head.

Why can't I remember? I can't remember anything. Remember. Remember.

A tear falls onto the hospital sheet, covering my thighs. I didn't even realize I was crying. More fall onto the bed, and the liquid fills cold against my skin. I place my hands flat, next to my legs. My tears are hot against my face, but when they fall onto my skin they are cold. My vision is blurring. I can't even hear if I'm making sound or not.

Will I ever get my hearing back? No. Nothing is ever in my favor. Nothing good ever happens to me.

I wish I could say Harry was a sliver of hope in my life, but I don't remember the way I felt with him. So, I cannot say. Again, I am frustrated.

I used to love the silence. I welcomed it with open arms, embracing it. But now, I 've never wanted to hear so badly. I can't hear music, the beautiful sounds of an acoustic guitar. I can't hear birds or simply the sounds of nature. I can't hear Harry or Louis, my best friend. I can't hear myself talk. I can't hear myself cry. I can't hear myself breathe. 

Am I even alive?

No. I feel dead. I might as well be.  

I open my eyes and realize the blanket is covered in frost. I cry harder, I can feel my body shaking. I can't stop. My chest feels heavy. I feel like millions of bees are stinging the insides of my lungs. I can't breathe. My chest rises and falls quickly. I heave and try to suck in vital air. My throat is closing. So are the airways to my lungs. My tears stop and I just panic. I can't breathe. I think about calling in a nurse. But, my vision is blue and the bed is freezing over. I desperately try to calm myself.

Am I having a panic attack?

"Yes. Welcome back, my dear."

No...

"Oh yes. It's me. And I am here to stay." The voice. The demon inside of me. The demon inside of head. She's back. She's back. I shake my head vigoursly. This isn't happening...

Yes. It is.

I hug my knees. I rock back and forth as the room chills and my lungs collapse. I am in so much panic. But everything is silent. I am in so much distress. But I am alone.

I'm always alone.

Author's Note: Oh my Lord. Do people actually read this? Wow. I'm sorry if you do. I know it's not the best. But thank you, I really apprieciate it. I'm sorry this chapter was so short and bad. I didn't know what to write. Anywayssssss thank you all! Love y'all.

-Alli (: