indecisive (on hold)

20.

Liz’s POV

“I know,” I barely whispered.

I did know. Harry wants more. I can tell he does. I can feel it every time we hang out. It was the way he walked so closely to me. The way he would scoot closer and watch me when we sat in front of the TV. The way he hugged me, it was so tight. It was like he permanetly wanted my body engraved into his. Maybe, I want more too? What the hell did I just do? Why did I tell him to kiss me? I thought I was going to steer clear of boys. Remember what happened last time?

My head is a mess. My emotions are all over the place. I want to cry, laugh, smile, and panic all at the same time. I ball my fists to prevent freezing his bed. I am thankful Harry wasn’t pressing anything further. I need time to think. I need time to actually process what I had just done. I had kissed him. Well, he kissed me, but I wanted him to. Why did I do that? I want him, but I can't. I make up my mind.

“Because you have feelings for him and you won’t admit it.” My conscious chirps and I silence her.

She is right, of course. But, I don’t want to admit that. I don’t want to admit my feelings for Harry because of everything that has happened to me. What if he doesn’t want me? What if he just tosses me aside? What if I’m just another conquest? Does he even have feelings for me? I mean, he was drunk, but he said those things.  

“Liz, I do have feelings for you.” He speaks as if reading my mind.

I am snapped out of my thoughts to look at him. His jade orbs are sparkling. They are holding so much emotion, much like mine. I notice the way he is steadying himself. I nod, understanding that he does. Do I want to get hurt again? Of  course not. I take a deep breath and rake my fingers through my hair.  I can feel his eyes studying me desperately. He is trying to figure what I am thinking. So am I.

“Harry, what do you want?” I ask, turning to face him.

“You.”

He doesn’t miss a beat. There was no hesitation in his voice. I swallow my breath. I do not understand how my eyes have managed to stay grey, but I am beyond thankful. I don’t know how to answer. He wants me. He has made that very clear. I want him. But I can't. Yes, I can.

“Liz, I want you and I know you want me too.” He speaks with confidence. He is right. I do want him, but I am afraid. “Liz, what is stopping you from being with me?”

“I’m scared.” I answer truthfully. His eyes sadden. I look away, unable to stare too long. "Harry, you need to understand something about me. I am a deeply mes-"

He cuts me off. “Liz,” His voice is thick and I tear my eyes from the floor to look at him. “I do not care how "messed up" you are. I will take what you have to offer because I was once the same way and I understand. I can’t promise that I won’t hurt you. But, I can promise that I will do everything in my power, to make the pain hurt less that someone else has caused you.”

I feel my eyes water at his words. I stare at my hands and try to control my emotions. I do not know how I feel, but I am glad he gave me the truth. He didn’t promise to not hurt me. He promised to make the pain hurt less. The pain he has caused. I feel Harry’s thumb against my cheek. He is catching a tear. I didn’t realize I began crying. Why am I crying? Because I have finally realized that I do have feelings for Harry and he makes me feel all these things that are so completely wonderful. I want him. I have accepted it. I want him and I'm going to have him. This is college. It’s time to stop being afraid.

“Okay.” My voice is raspy. I look at him and his eyes are closed. A smile breaks out onto his face. I can’t help but smile too. Am I really doing this? Yes. Yes, I am.  “I want you, Harry.”