indecisive (on hold)

18.

Liz’s POV

I relock the door and cautiously make my way over to Harry’s bed. He pats the space to the left of him. I sit and stare at my fingernails. I can feel his eyes burning into me, but I can’t bring myself to look at him. I stare at the ground beneath my feet until he speaks.

“Do you like me, Liz?” He slurs.

“Of course, I do.”

“But not in the way I like you.” His voice is a little harsh. He tears his eyes from my face and I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t find anything to say. I return my eyes to the floor and again, we sit in silence.

“You’re so beautiful, Elizabeth Rose,” he breathes.

I look up at him and his eyes are gleaming, just like they always are. I can feel my cheeks heat. I don’t answer. I can’t. I don't have words, I know if I try to speak nothing will come out. I don't have a voice, it's vanished. No one has ever called me beautiful, in a direct sentence like that. No one. I stare into his emerald eyes. I can smell the alcohol on his breath. He is drunk. He doesn’t mean any of this.

“Harry, you are drunk.” I tear my eyes away from his face and focus my vision on the door.

“I am, but I mean it. You are beautiful, Elizabeth Rose Winters. You are so beautiful and I love spending time with you. You make me laugh and I like you. I really, really like you, Liz.” I can feel his breath on my cheek as he speaks. I feel like I can’t breathe. Harry’s words have filled my head and I don’t remember how to. He takes the air out of my lungs, literally.

He doesn’t mean any of this. He is drunk.

“H-Harry.” I stutter, unable to find my words, “you are drunk. Let me get you some water.” I stand to exit the room. He grabs my hand and pulls me back softly.

“Liz, I am drunk, but I mean it. I know I do.” His words are coming out fast. I shake my head and remove his hand. I place it on his lap and stand again.

“Harry, you will forget everything in the morning. Let me get you some water.” I am at the door when I hear his voice again.

“Why don’t you believe me?” His voice is barely above a whisper. I pretend I don’t hear him and exit the room. I walk down to the kitchen and grab him a cup of water. My mind is racing and I barely comprehend my own thoughts. I am halfway up the stairs when a voice stops me.

“So, you Harry’s fuck buddy now?”

I turn to see a girl with red hair. It’s not the ginger red, but the bottle red. Her eyes are green, but lighter than Harry’s, almost hazel. Her lips are dark and she has a stud in her eyebrow. She is smacking on her gum violently, waiting for me to answer.

“What? No. Why would you think that?” I turn my whole body to face her.

“I saw you go up to his room.” She shrugs as if it’s obvious.

“We are friends and just friends.” I continue up the stairs.

“Not for long.” She chirps, but I ignore her.

I push past people in the hallway. I reach Harry’s room and shove open the door. He is sprawled across his bed, shirtless. I notice that his torso isn’t as inked as I thought. He has tattoos covering his hips, one on his stomach and a couple on his chest. Most of his tattoos adorn his arms. His abs are perfectly toned and I find myself staring. I shut the door and make my way over to him. I hand him the water. He takes it and drinks it all quickly. He rests the empty cup on the bedside table and I take a seat on the floor in front of the bed. I untie the shirt from my waist and put it on. Harry’s room is kind of cold, or it’s just my heart.

I look up at Harry and he is passed out. His mouth is parted and his dark lashes are covering the tops of his rosy cheeks. I smile at how peaceful he looks. I glance around his room and notice that a snowglobe is broken. I check that Harry is asleep before moving to the mess on the floor. I shouldn't be doing this, but I can hope he won't remember it being broken. I flick my wrist upward and the pieces are put back together. I smile and move it back onto the  shelf. Inside there is a girl and a boy, holding hands as they sit on a bench. Glitter whips around as I shake it. I grab a pillow from his bed, that he isn’t using. I turn my back to him as I place it onto the floor.

“I love you,” he whispers and I freeze. My heart stops and so does my breathing. I turn to him and his eyes are closed. It’s his dream. He is sleep talking. I realize it wasn’t intended for me and I relax. I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes. My mind is racing with Harry’s words as sleep takes over.

***

(245 days before)

I hear a groan and my eyes shoot open. My body jolts up and I am looking around. Where the hell am I? I turn and see Harry, he is waking up. My mind flashes with memories of last night. Coming to the party, Harry’s fight, Harry’s words. He was so drunk I doubt he’ll even remember this morning. And I guess that’s what I am hoping for. I don’t want him to remember and expect something from me. I don’t know what I’ll do if he remembers and asks for my response.  He is stirring and I cautiously watch him as his eyes open. He groans and begins to rub his temples. He has a headache. I remember that I have aspirin in my bag, but that is in Harry’s car.

“Harry, where are your car keys?” I ask softly. He doesn’t respond. He just points to the dresser across the room.

I grab them and quietly exit the room. The halls are trashed. Red plastic cups are everywhere and people are passed out on the floor. What the hell am I doing at a place like this? I had never imagined I would be here. I never thought I would come to parties like this, but I guess it isn’t so bad because I didn’t do anything. I retrieve my bag from Harry’s car and re-enter the house. I go into the kitchen to get Harry some water. As I am turning around from my sink, I bump into the body. Some of the water splashes over the side onto my hand. I look up and freeze. It’s him. It’s the same guy that tried to have his way with me when I was running from Harry.

“Hello, gorgeous. What are you doing here?” He slurs.

Is he still drunk? I scoff and shove him, with more force this time. No one is awake so I don’t care. He flies into the opposite counter and groans. I step towards him and lean down so my face is inches away from his.

“Stay away from me.” I warn, “or I will hurt you much, much worse than this.”

He nods frantically as his face pinches in pain. I smile and continue on my way to Harry’s room. I slip inside and Harry is leaned over a trash can. I cringe, but make my way over to him. I place the aspirin and water on the desk over him.

“Thanks.” He breathes before purging into the trash can again.

I step away slightly, but move forward again. I place my hand on his body and rub small circles into his back. I try to lift the pain from his body, without making it obvious. I can feel his muscles relax. He takes a deep breath and moves away from the trash can. He takes the aspirin and drinks all the water. I give him a small smile before moving to his bed. I sit on the edge and watch him. He pukes one more time before joining me on the bed. He lays down, while I sit next to him. I hand him a couple of mints I retrieved from my bag. He chuckles slightly before taking them and throwing them into his mouth.

“How do you feel?” I question. I feel stupid as soon as I say it, but I feel like I need to ask.

“It was very shitty, but when you came back it was only slightly shitty.” He looks at me with a grin. I return it with a giggle.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” I ask with a steady voice.

His body tenses. “No. I remember going to my friends, then I got drunk. The rest is a blur.” He stands and walks slowly over to his shelf. He picks up the snow globe I fixed. I freeze. I pray he doesn't remember it was broken. He studies it, then shakes it. The glitter flies around and he smiles.

My body relaxes. He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember. I feel the weight lift from my body. He doesn’t remember what he said to me last night and I couldn’t be happier.