indecisive (on hold)

36.

Song For the Chapter: All I Want- Kodaline

(162 days before)

Harry’s POV

Two weeks have passed and yet the burning ache I feel in my chest has not dulled. It’s still there and it’s as strong as ever. Each day the the pain grows and I do nothing to stop it from consuming me. I don’t know why, but a part of me thrives in the feeling of this pain. Hours after I had left I began to doubt my own confession and I spent the rest of the day regretting what I had claimed. I began to believe her words. I was simply caught up in our moment and I had said wrong; I didn’t love her. I went back to the fraternity. I hadn’t been there in so long. I took a six pack out of the fridge, marched to my room, and drank away the guilt I felt for lying to her and causing this giant mess.  

The next morning I woke up and with a killer headache. I immediately fell out of bed, hitting the rough, carpeted floor. I crawled to the trash can and everything came out. The clench of my stomach combined with the sting in my throat caused tears to prick at the corners of  my eyes. I remembered just leaning against the bed, and bringing my knees to my chest and crying. I don’t know how long I cried. I just cried and it was that moment in time where I was 100% sure that I loved her;  there were no doubt in my mind. I loved her, but she didn’t love me. I don’t think I have ever felt something so painful than I did in that moment. To love someone and know that they did not love you back and they never would. It’s heart shattering because you feel so unwanted- you’ll never be wanted. How do you cope with that?

I spent the rest of the day drinking and drowning in my own sadness once again.

The rest of the my days were spent either one of two ways. I either was locked away in my damned fraternity bedroom drinking and crying or I spent it at several bars, drinking and drinking. I would wake up with a hangover, take medicine then drink again. Everyday and it never changed. It was in these two weeks that I had never been more happy for my twenty-first birthday earlier that year. I wasn’t in the UK anymore so twenty one was the new eightteen.

Here I was today. Another lonely Sunday. A beer in my hand and a half written essay at my feet. No, I did not go to my classes. If I did it was for fifteen minutes to understand what we were doing all week and what my assignments were. I just made up some bullshit excuses of why I wasn’t coming to class anymore, they never questioned me because they simply didn’t care. The assignments were easy and I still maintained my 4.0 grade average, even after all thats happened in these months.

My eyes feel heavy and my body is slowly being encased in numbness. I swallow down the rest of the beverage and I slam the bottle on the bedside table. My head throbs and my throat burns. I close my eyes and slowly, but eventually, I fall asleep. It’s not like I’ll stay asleep long. I know how this goes, I just pray I can sleep longer than usual.

Liz’s POV

How long has it been? I haven’t kept track. It hurts too much to think about anything anymore. It seems like it only happened yesterday, but I know it’s been longer. I just don’t know how long. I can’t even describe how I feel anymore. The pain I felt when he left is still here, oh Lord, it’s still here. The ache I feel has not faded, its only become more prominent. It’s the only thing I feel anymore. The rest of me is numb. People always talk about being numb, but I do not think they’ve ever really felt it to its full extent. You know you’re numb when you can barely feel the blood running through your veins. Smiling seems like the hardest task in the world, especially when you have to fake it. You can barely think let alone form thoughts. Your body is heavy and walking is painful because all you want to do it lay in bed and stare at nothing.

Most of my nights are spent like that. It’s all the same. I’m back into that routine. Harry was the only one that broke me out of that. He’s gone now and I’ve fallen back into that cycle. I wake up and I only put on concealer to cover the dark bags under my eyes. My hair is thrown into a bun or a braid, depending if I have enough energy. I don’t even remember what I wear half the time. Whatever I can find. I go to class, but I don’t listen to anything my professors say. I sit in the back and stare at the wall ahead. After my classes I go to work and do my best to not look dead. I give the customers small smiles and then my shift ends. I go home and shower. I sit in the tub and let the water mix with my tears, the blood running down my arms in the most beautiful way. I lay in bed and stare at the wall until I fall asleep. Everyday and it never changes.

What’s happened to me? Why can’t I stop on my own? Why can’t I be strong? Harry. Harry. Harry.Those thoughts seem to be the only things that ever cross my mind anymore. Why can’t I be good enough? Why did I have to push him away? He wanted to love me; I should have let him. Do I love him?

I still cannot answer that question. It frustrates me to the point of tears. Why can’t I understand what I feel and actually know what’s going on? I hate uncertainty and that seems to be the only thing stopping me from….whatever it is I want. I don’t even know what I want. No. Yes. Yes I do.  I know what I want. Harry. I have always wanted him and the only thing that’s stopping me from having him is myself. I hate myself.

I start crying. My body shakes and trembles and I can’t control myself as I scream into the pillow. I feel the temperature in the room drop and and the cup of water beside my table freezes. The glass falls to the floor and breaks. I continue crying. Why is this so damned difficult? Why can’t I just allow myself to be happy?

Before I even realize what I’m doing, I am jumping out of my bed. The tears are still violently streaming  down my face, but I don’t care. I am so damn tired of pushing happiness away. Harry is my only shot at happiness and he wants me to be his happiness. Why can’t I accept that? I am so tired of forcing myself away because I’m afraid. I am tired of being afraid. I don’t even know if I love him and I don’t know what I’m going to say. All I know is that I need to be with him right now and to see him. I just need to see him.

I throw on a sweatshirt and slide on some jeans. Shoving my feet into some shoes, I storm out of my apartment and jump into my car. The drive to his house is a blur. The tears cloud my vision and my throat is sore. I turn the radio volume loud to distract myself and to block out my thoughts telling me I shouldn’t do this.  I pull up to the curb in front of the enormous house. It glows in the moonlight and looks ghostly, but so beautiful. I walk up to the front door and hesitantly put my hand on the knob expecting it to be locked, but it’s not. It creaked open with ease.

“Idiots,” I huff as I step into the silent house.

I shut the door quickly and try to remember my way through the house. I find the stairs quickly and climb them. It seems like it takes me forever as I try to not make a sound. My forehead and palms are sweaty. My heart beat is loud and rapid, but the only thing I hear is my heavy, uneven breathing. I walk down the endless hallway. Reaching the last door, I stick my fist out. I press my knuckles to the door softly, then do it again. I wait, but I hear nothing. I knock again. Still nothing.  The tears return and I walk away from his bedroom door. I feel defeated.

The one time I finally have the courage to do what’s right, it doesn’t work the way I had hoped. I don’t know what I was expecting. Him to at least be home. I rush out of the house as quickly, but as quietly as I can. I step through the front door and close it behind. I stop and take a deep breath, resting my head against the thick wood. I gather myself and turn, making my way down the path back to my car. As I turn I collide with something hard. Another person. I get the feeling of déjà vu.

“S-sorry,” I mutter as I look up at the face. It’s him. His eyes are red and glassy. His skin is beautifully lit from standing in the light. The green in his eyes are bright and the darkness of his lips makes me want to faint. His lips part and I can visibly see his breathing increase. The air pushing past his lips mix with the chilling air so I can see the puffs come from his mouth. My knees nearly give out on me, but I stay put.

“Liz?” His voice makes the tears fall again and it makes me clench my jaw to avoid crying out. Oh God, what am I doing here?

“H-hey.”