indecisive (on hold)

38.

Song for the chapter: Emmylou by Vance Joy

Liz’s POV

I don’t know what time it was when we finally decided to move, I don’t think it really mattered. I think we both knew we weren’t going to class today. Too much had happened and there will still unresolved feelings and thoughts. I, in no way, could focus on Sense and Sensibility or even think about writing a paper on the evolution of speech and sentence formation. I knew Harry couldn’t either. No matter how much he loved Shakespeare, I knew he wouldn’t be able to focus on Macbeth.  We would go tomorrow. Well, I would. He hasn’t been in two weeks. I knew because I continued to go, maybe in the hopes of seeing him and maybe just to get my mind off him. If I had stayed home he would’ve consumed every thought that ever invaded my head. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that. Pure torture.

I deserved that. I deserved worse than that. But I was too selfish to let myself suffer in pain like that.

What does Harry see in me?

After hours in that position, with no words said and the fading cries of Harry, I decide to open my mouth.

“Harry,” I whisper, afraid that the world will hear us and disturb the miserable bliss I found in this moment. “We need to move. Before they wake up and see us.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just nods and begins to stand. I climb off his lap. I keep my head down, not being able to handle looking at his face- so filled with sorrow. His arms unwind from my back, but they don’t leave my skin. His calloused fingers slightly intertwine with mine and it sends warm sparks through my veins- making my stomach fuzzy and my mind clouded.

“Where do you want to go?” I ask. I don’t expect much from him, a shrug or silence, but he surprises me like he always does.

“Yours,” he states weakly. He sounds tired and his voice is raspy. I nod and slowly, we begin to walk to my car.

I put the key in the ignition and the car roars to life, warm air blasting through the vents. Harry takes a deep breath and rests his head against the window. I pull away from the curb and start the drive to my home. Every couple seconds I turn to make sure he’s okay. His skin is pale, but his cheeks are flushed from the air. His eyes are closed, his lids dark like the bags under his eyes.

I don’t want to know what I put him through because it’ll hurt me tremendously. But I deserve it. I deserve to know what an awful person I am and the torture he’s endured because of me. His breaths are slow and deep and he looks exhausted. His breathing sounds forced and he sounds in pain. I feel my eyes water. I’m so close to him, but I’m so far away. I feel so closed off from him, but what else should I expect? I shake my head trying not to get emotional now, I don’t want get in another car accident. I focus on the lyrics playing in the background, soft and subtle.

“Oh, don’t go losing the nighttime

Oh, don’t feel bad

I never have

Since I got you

My emmylou

You are loved

You are loved

You are loved

You are loved..."

I want to close my eyes and I want to cry and disappear. I want to vanish into the thick air and forget. I want to forget who I am and who I want to be. I want to forget this world and the pain that comes with it. I want to forget Harry and all he’s ever made me feel. I want it all to go away, but I’m not strong enough to end it all. I’ll never be strong enough to do anything or be anyone worth something. I’m just me. Not important, not meaningful, not anything significant. I’m just here, but I’m loved. I’m loved and that should be enough.