BOUND TO MY NEMESIS

20 ~ Confessions

"Tell me..... " I bit my lips avoiding her penetrating gaze, what did she want me to begin with? did she want to hear how the child she was defending succeeded in planting the self derision I feel within me?

How much I hated myself for bringing to an end something that was supposedly beautiful, how I played god and ended a life before it even began?.

I tightly clutched her hands a part of me begging to spill the words my mouth was mute to, "I caused it" I whispered in a low broken tone, she lifted my chin searching my eyes when our gaze met.

"Tell me what's happening it breaks me to see you like this, I had a strange feeling something was up with the two of you" she huffed momentarily shutting her eyes, the pain in them was palpable when she re-opened them "Was it because of the pregnancy issue I raised?" she asked in a broken voice, I bursted into tears tightly clenching my eyes, that would have been a thousand times better, delay in birth was nothing compared to this.

"I'm so sorry I caused something like this between the two of you but you should have known better, both of you know how jovial I am and for you two to let my utterances cause a rift like this between you I don't even know" she huffed massaging her temple "if anything he should have known better and even you Salma, I've never considered you a daughter-in-law for Allah's sake I raised you and between you, the twins and Amdan I don't know who I love most, marriage isn't a jolly institution for you to be happy always no, there are gullies along the way some wider than others" she breathed out slowly pursing her lips, her eyes searching mine "You'll be amazed if I tell you I still have my differences with your dad and we sometimes argue even after almost four decades of marriage" I wanted to nod at that, tell her she forgot to add I was the reason behind their recent fights but that would mean letting her know I had been eavesdropping on their conversations.

"So far as you can sort it between the two of you I suggest you talk it out , being angry at each other won't solve a thing, and to the extent that one of you has to go away Ya Allah" she looked away staring into space like a solution would pop up, she slowly turned tightening her hold on my hand "And overlooking them won't let them go, no, but you can share them with me too, I hate seeing you like this" she encouraged in a soothing voice, I frantically nodded tears falling from my eyes, my lips trembled and my hands shook between her grasp.

"How did you get the bruises on your head?" she asked her voice taking an icy tone, I so wanted to lie, tell her I hit my head on the bathroom floor or tub that would be more believable, I wanted to lie but I also wanted to see the hatred in her eyes, know how much she hated me and for her to tell me how despicable she thought I was.

Dan might have played a part but even I knew the role he played was crucial I needed to know the real me even when "murderess" was in that list.

So I told her all there was to know, I spilled my heart out tears falling from my eyes as I relayed what happened veiling only what was necessary.

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I felt like a cold metal was pulling at my heart, his eyes felt like they were unwrapping my soul's neatly wrapped secrets.

"When will you tell me what's really eating you up?" he asked looking down at his files like he didn't ask me to bare my soul to him, "I would be very hurt to know you don't trust me enough to tell me this, I'm not forcing you but I know how much you hate coming here even with the change of scenery" a smile played at the edge of his lips "we can only make you better if you want to and we can achieve that with no hold backs" I swallowed hard at that all the alterations I had made him do, leaving the safety of his office for a stroll in the park and now a lunch, I rose from the chair walking away from the lunch table we had set up, I closed my eyes inhaling deeply I needed a clear mind if I needed to go there blocking it and showing a happy face wasn't helping, it still weighed on me.

"I don't know how it happened but I care for him, I care so much I sometimes think it might be love" whispering the latter before my brain made me deny what I was scared to acknowledge "It hurts, my heart aches because I know I'm acting stupid, I'm so stupid ,I mean this is a man who doesn't give a hoot about how I feel he made sure he took me to my lowest" I turned around forcing a smile on my face willing the tears at bay, I've promised myself not to shed another tear for his sake, he didn't care and there was no point in caring, he made that loud and clear.

"Is it okay for me to feel that way?" I couldn't tell what he was thinking, his face was expressionless but I was going to tell him anyway, keeping it in wasn't helping.

"I might be pregnant and I'm scared to the core, I know this is not religiously and morally right, personally I hate this but I want an abortion" I announced looking up to see the disgust on his face but there was none.

No repulsion, no horrific look, no smile, no nothing, just a blank expression, he was a guy for crying out loud he must know how to deal with issues like this.

"What do you think I should do?" I asked looking intently at his face to catch a whiff of any expression.

"Are you happy with your decision?" he questioned holding my gaze, was I happy? Was I happy to end another life before it began? I was over that, weeks of therapy had squashed that though I still think there might be remnants in my head Amdan might not think that, wherever he is if he even thinks about me that is, I wish him well.

"Have you tested positive?" My eyes incessantly twitched at the question, I am pregnant right? I mean I've not seen my period for some time and even Mufeedah said so, I opened my lips but no words came out how dumb will I look telling him I assumed I was pregnant from Mufy's assumption.

"No" I finally replied waiting for the 'you're being plain dumb' remark he nodded then started arranging his files thrusting them in the plain 'clear bag'.

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My eyes wandered in the room after the nurse left my mind numb for the moment, 48 hours, forty eight long excruciating hours I mused shaking my partially aching head.

I hopped off the bed righting my hijab as I left the stark white room that had started closing on me, I looked down at the watch tied around my wrist wondering why it moved at such a slow pace.

Now I can get Malik to get off my back, at least we were close to a certain result now, there was no reason to be at the receiving end of those expressionless looks anymore, they were more haunting than all the angry looks Amdan has ever given me.

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