BOUND TO MY NEMESIS

25 ~ Emergency

Slowly I let out a breath, tears I'd been holding cascading down my cheeks. He couldn't just do that. Twist my life in knots  loosening and tightening them at his own will.  It couldn't happen that way.

"I'm so sorry sweetie."   My face tightened,  my throat constricted, I wanted so much to let out the wail that felt clogged  in my throat. 

"I wanted someone to blame and you were the only one I could hold responsible " he whispered, tightening his hold on my upper body. 
I lowered my body, sinking my knees into the soft fur carpet.

"Everytime I made you cry,  everytime I hurt you…" he grew silent lowering himself to my level.  "I hurt myself for making you go through that pain" he added,  huffing a cry.  I could hear the tear in his voice.

"My heart won't settle till I inflict pain on my body,  Salma…" my resolve broke when I felt a droplet trickle down my neck.

"Salma" I couldn't raise my head,  I felt like it was just one of his games,  what was he even muttering  like that. 
I raised my head at his hands prod,  holding his gaze.  I wanted to look away but I couldn't.  His eyes held so much pain, it was palpable.
"I love you so much, Wallah …" he paused as if waiting for what he'd said to sink in.

He said he loved me,  as in love, love.  Man-woman love.

The indifferent, cold-hearted Dan said he loves me.
I broke into laughter shaking my head gingerly.

"Dan we are no longer kids, do I need to  remind you the countless times you swore I brought doom to your life?,  I know whoever it is you're marrying now,  you love her and she'll  probably bring you the happiness I couldn't give you…"

"Don't say... ".
I rushed to the bathroom again,  my tummy was hollow slowly making grumbling sounds,  the last time I took anything was at breakfast and it was almost nothing,  just sips of plain tea.
I sat on the toilet bowl, placed my palms over my face and broke into tears.

"He loves me." I whispered laughing hysterically amid the tears. 
Does he even know love.
"Dan,  it's just the two of us in here" I said gesturing between us with my forefinger as I re-entered the room,  "no need to keep this charade I've really had enough" I voiced,  my breath syncing with my heartbeat.

He rose from his sitting position shaking his head as he walked to the window.
"You know… " he quietened.
"Let me tell you a story,  if you still insist on separation I'll give it to you..... " I felt like my heart had slammed into my chest.
He said separation  like it meant nothing when he was just declaring his undying love for me.
"Your opinion of me might not change  for a long time. I've wrongfully vented my anger for the last couple of years especially on you, please find a place in your heart to forgive me" he requested in a pained voice.

"I , Amdan grew up knowing only one source of happiness,  I was a broody child, wasn't like either of my siblings Daoud and Manan, they were the lively ones and funny enough I was the middle child among them. We had our times as kids, played with each other,  we were very close in age. Manan and I were a year apart and Daoud and I were 10 months apart so we were pretty close"
He brushed his hand over his trimmed hair, circling his palm on his scalp.

"And then Daddy Yusuf  married  Mum Hanna,  we all latched on to her cos she was the bride,  Daoud and Manan especially,  when they usually come to visit, I'd rather I play"

I slightly rolled my eyes at his back.
"On one of their visits I rushed to Mum Hanna and asked if she was pregnant, I remember then I'd watched a movie and the bride got pregnant after the wedding so it just stuck in my mind that married women get pregnant…… I was 7 then"
My hands flew to my tummy at his mention,  was I?