Endlessly...

Chapter 2 - Abby

It's been six months since Monty died. How am I supposed to go back to work? What's the point of the show without him? I miss him so much. How could he leave me to finish this thing? Alone. "The Show Must Go On." Literally. I signed a contract. Even if I wanted to leave it would be too much fucking work to try to get out of it, plus what would that do to my career? This show made my career. Made it public, at least.

We met on the show, he played my character's love interest but I always thought he was handsome. I was dating someone at the time and he was so respectful about that. I let myself love him and be in a relationship with him because we were both going through this whole "fame" thing together, I didn't have to give a long explanation of why I felt a certain way after doing a five day press tour -- Monty already knew because he was right there with me. We spent so much time together I'm surprised it took us as long as it did.

I didn't know he was doing drugs, which has been the hardest part of grieving. He did it all without me knowing -- how could I not see it? Why wasn't I enough for him that he had to turn to drugs.

I got the phone call early in the morning. He had left for the weekend to visit his family in Wisconsin. He went out for a drive and never came home. There aren't enough words for that feeling after I got the news. I barely finished processing what happened and figuring out what I was going to do next before the media showed up at my house -- they didn't leave my house for another three weeks after. Olivia did more than call me when news broke, she drove to my house unseen by the media and took me away and let me hide out at her house for the three weeks the paparazzi stalked my house. Her house was a fortress and Olivia kept me safe. She's one of my best friends -- she saved me during the worst time of my life. She's so much more than the Disney star the world grew to love. I wish the world knew that.

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I pulled into the Universal lot, into my usual parking spot and turned down the music in my car. I looked at my reflection from the rearview mirror -- great, swollen eyes again. Everyone will know I've been crying and give me those sad eyes. I fucking hate being pitied. I've spent three weeks in therapy, because how does someone deal with losing their boyfriend, especially under the circumstances I did and the aftermath of it. The world felt like they were entitled to know everything about the situation. So many questions all the time. I started to resent the show...the show that gave me Monty, but I'm okay now. Really.

"Morning everyone! Smells like coffee in here!" I laughed as I sat in my usual hair and makeup chair.

"Morning, Abby! How was your morning? Looks like more of a natural look with a simple braid for today's first scene." Jennifer said, she's got the lightest touch and always makes me look good!

"I can't believe we only have one more episode to film before we wrap this season. Any plans for the summer? Are you going back to Santa Barbara for your yearly trip?" I asked.

"Yeah, I thought I wanted to work another show but I could use the br--" Jennifer said.

I drowned out Jennifer's story with the thought of what I wanted to do this summer, I haven't been auditioning for any roles because of everything going on. I released my album but it got drowned out with what had happened. I should go on vacation with some girlfriends. Maybe Liv and Shann would want to come, those two are always traveling.

"The Show Must Go On

but you'll always be in our hearts.

In Loving Memory of Monty Monroe 1983 - 2016"

That was the plaque the producers and network placed at the door of our set. Since the plaque went up, every cast and crew member ritually rubs it for good luck, guidance, or whatever it is they feel they need for that day of filming because that's what Monty was for everyone -- he was there for them, for whatever they needed, this way it's like he's still with us and the show.