Endlessly...

Chapter 19 - Abby

"You can't get mad at me for what happen, Liv!"

"I didn't say I was mad! It just bothered me and to be honest, it hurt! It hurts that every time we go out and there's even a chance of a paparazzi being there you want to get as far away from me as possible! Why do we even bother going out at all? So, you just want us to stay held up at home, never going out? All of our friends already know and are keeping it a secret until you're ready!"

"No! I don't expect up to just lock ourselves in our homes and that'd be the only time we do things as a couple but I do expect us to take precautions when we go out and are seen together!"

"That's bullshit and you fucking know it, Abigail!"

"Don't fucking walk away, Liv! Stand here and explain to me, like a grown-up, why you think what I just said is bullshit! Enlighten me!"

"It's bullshit because you can't say you don't want us to stay locked up at home and be a couple but the second we step foot outside we can't even stand next to each other! How is that not hypocritical? You can't only be in a relationship with me behind closed doors, Abby! That's not going to work! My entire life, my career has been driven by my social media and the media. Ever since I was a teenager the world has had its nose up my ass, it comes with the territory and what you're expecting of me isn't reasonable."

"What do you want me to do, huh? I'm not ready to do what you're expecting of me. You're career is made, you've proven yourself a hundred times over! You're known as the first Asian-American woman to make it big in this business. I've barely just begun...I'm not strong enough to deal with what's going to come if they find out about us. I know what I'm asking isn't fair...I know that. We've been doing this for months now and we always argue back and forth about this same problem and I am SO SORRY we're still here...in the same position we were three months ago. I'm sorry, baby..."

Olivia grabs my arms and wraps them around her waist and holds me. She holds me for what felt like hours. I care about Olivia SO much and she doesn't deserve to have to keep this whole other secret life, it's taking a toll on her and I can see that. It's taking a toll on our relationship. I don't know how much more it can take, I'll go down fighting for it but what about Liv? She can be in a relationship with anyone, any gender she wants, what makes me think she won't get tired of fighting and living secretly with me and find someone else?

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Abby, how do you feel about your show coming to an end? It must be bittersweet?" asked Jason Kennedy.

"You know, it definitely is bittersweet. So much happen on this show and because of this show, personally and professionally. I met lifelong friends, I met someone I loved...I was able to expand my career with my album and got to go on tour. I definitely got a lifetime's worth of happiness from it, but we felt it was time to close that chapter and honor Monty. The show got to where it was because of him." I answered.

"That's great. That's amazing and I couldn't agree more. I'm so happy for you, that you're ready to move forward," he said in a very generic way.

"So, tell me, you went on tour with Olivia over the summer and you ladies have gotten very close over the last year. How was that? Does that mean we're about to see a collaboration anytime soon? I can only imagine the magic you two could create together!"

"Hahah yeah, definitely. Anything is possible when it comes to Olivia! She's amazing and I can't imagine my life without her. And listen, if I can look half as good and half as multifaceted as she is, I'll be set for life."

"Great, great."

"For someone as beautiful and talented as you. You must be busy, do you have time to date? Is there someone special in your life? A lucky guy, maybe?"

"Hahahah no, no. But I am really, really happy right now. Happier than I've ever been. I've never felt this type of happy before and I'm loving it."

Interviews are exhausting and that was only number 2 of 17 today. Ugh. I could definitely use a break but there's no time. Calvin has me rushing from one interview to the next with barely enough time to catch my breath in between. I text Liv as I wait for the crew to reset the lighting for the next interview.

Me:

I miss you, baby.

Liv:

I miss you too, munch. You doing okay? Drinking enough water?
Me:

I'm good, tired. I can't wait to get home and have a relaxing bath with you.

Yes I'm drinking plenty of water.

Liv:

How about we move to the hot tub instead tonight, I'm having kind of a rough day too.

I'm sooo tense. Any suggestions on how to get rid of it? ;)

Me:

I have a few tips and tricks that'll fix that right up.

I try my best to discreetly snap a picture of my cleavage to send to my stressed out girlfriend when Calvin comes up behind me and says, "I have an idea. Just hear me out.."

"Wait what do you want us to do??"

"It's old school, I know. But it'll get the press off both your backs. Who either of you are dating is what the press is craving right now. We need to feed the beast. Single girls will just get picked and prodded by the media until they have someone. If you're single for too long they'll wonder what the fuck is wrong with you and nothing is wrong with either of you."

"I have to talk to Liv about this...this is as much her decision as mine.

"I know, but I'm asking you to consider it. You're the one that, unfortunately, has the most reservations..."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"No. Abby. No. I'm not going to do that. Are you crazy? We're already living one lie, I'm not going to live a second. I can't even begin to imagine how much more exhausting it would be to not only lie about us but to lie about being in a relationship with a guy just for the press. No. I'm not getting a fucking beard."

"Yeah, I hear you. I do. But do you hear me? Do you hear me, Olivia? I need this. I need to get the press off my back..."

"At what cost? Our relationship?"

"No! I'm doing this to save us!"

"How?! Because what I'm seeing is an escape. You're lying, Abby. You're lying to the world but most of all you're lying to yourself."

"You don't have to get a fake boyfriend, you just need to understand and respect that if we're going to be together...I'm going to have someone that's going to be seen as my boyfriend for the media. Because despite that I am lying to myself, it's what I need to do until I am no longer scared of admitting the truth and shouting it from the mountaintops..." I plead.

"Well, that's the difference between you and I, Abby. I'm not okay with lying to myself about who I am. I can't afford to live a lie, I have spent my whole life working to chip away at that glass ceiling. I am not afraid of admitting that I am IN LOVE with a woman. I am not afraid of shouting from the mountain tops that I LOVE YOU. I know you're right for me. But I've been waiting for everything in your world to align with my world. I think of you while I sleep, I dream of what we could be if we grow, together. I need to know if I'm in this alone. I don't know if I can do what you're asking of me. I'm sorry..."Olivia says as she walks away from me, out my front door and into her car.

I fall to the ground in tears, my heart aching. Everything hurts. I can't breathe. She loves me. She's in love with me and I somehow managed to mess it up because of my fears.