In love with my best friend

Special memory

My heart was pounding against my chest. It was hard to catch my breath, like there was a very heavy weight on it.

I reached my hand out to turn on the hotel lamp, my fingers grasping the chain to the lamp, but losing it with my uncontrollable shaking. 'Breathe' 
I kept saying in my head. I grasped onto the bed sheets, closing my eyes, focusing on my breathing, and listening to myself have a panic attack.

Finally when I was able to get a steady breath of air in my lungs, I sat up, finally able to grab the chain to the lamp and pull it, making the lamp turn on.

I ran my hand through my hair, sighing. I wipe away the tears that had fallen down my cheeks.

I hadn't had a panic attack since my dad had left me after my mother's death. Apart of me thought I'd never have to feel that ever again after I stopped having them.

I was wrong.

I grabbed hold of the blanket, pulling it over me as I laid back down, leaving the lamp on this time just in case I did have another one, which isn't unusual.

I tried closing my eyes and maybe just going back to sleep. But it felt like there was no use to it.

My stupid, stressful life had brought back the one thing I thought I got over along time ago.

I grabbed my phone off the side table, checking to see if I had any texts or calls. None.

I wondered what Adam was doing. Did he even realize that I hadn't come home? Or worse, did he know and not care?

Of course he knew and of course no part of him cared. How can he? There was no point to it now.

We were over. I felt it deep inside.

There was no going back from here. No recovery. It's just my life. I've dealt with heart break through out my life.

I've learned to cherish the parts of my life I've actually liked. Like every second with Adam, even the bad ones.

I remember my most favorite time with Adam. It was believe it or not, on our graduation day.

I couldn't believe that it was over. No more school, well no more high school.

I felt relieved. I'd start my journey into adult hood, figuring out how to accomplish my hopes and dreams without anyone standing in my way. That felt good to know.

"Hey bunny, you going to my after party?" I felt a arm draped around my shoulder. I look up at Adam. He wore his cap and gown, his gown slightly unzipped, revealing his hoodie that read 'Harvard' the one school he got into and decided not to attend.

I was very envious of that. He was smart and had so much in store for himself. "What after party?" I ask. "Mine of course." He rolls his eyes dramatically.

"Don't tell me I forgot to give you an invite?" He asks, putting his hand on his heart, dramatically rolling his body back, acting as if it was a heartbreak to him.

"Adam.." I groan out.

"Calm down, I didn't give you an invite because you aren't welcomed." He shrugged.

I frown, almost believing him until he started bursting out laughing. "I'm kidding! Your helping me set up. Come on let's go." He hooks his arm around me. "Adam I have better things to do." I stop him from dragging me with him, standing my ground.

"Sure you do." He put his arms around my waist and for a second I thought he was going to maybe hug me or lean in, which cane to a surprise to me.

I had never thought of Adam in that way.

We were so close. I can practically taste the smell of his seventy dollar cologne. The only reason I knew it was seventy dollars was because he had gotten me mad once and I threw it on the ground after he and his friends squirted water guns full of Gatorade at me.

I felt so bad that I attempted to buy him another when I came to realization that I couldn't afford it.

I found myself wanting to lean in on him, but before I can, I was being lifted up and draped over his shoulder. "Adam!" I squealed out.

"Calm down bunny." He chuckles as he walked us through the hallways.

I reached down my sides, trying to tug at my gown and make sure no one saw underneath. I was wearing a dress under it and my under was probably clear for everyone to see.

"Adam!" I yell, laughing. "My under is gonna show!!" I hiss in a whisper.

Just then I can hear Adam say something that made me blush in utter embarrassment.

"Yo you trying to catch a glimpse of her ass?! Don't make me fuck up your face idiot!" I can hear Adam yell at a guy we were passing who had clearly seen my buttcheeks hanging out of my underwear.

I felt so utterly embarrassed.

But luckily me, before I knew it we were outside and Adam was sitting me in front of his car and motioning me to get in.

I rolled my eyes, flipping him off and hopping into his truck. "Thanks fun bun." With that he hopped in on his side.

I glance at him as he started the engine and made it roar to life.

What if he had really leaned in? What if I was the one to lean in and kiss him when he was actually going to just pick me up? That would've have been a huge disaster, I think.

There probably wasn't really anything about that memory that was over the top special, but it was special to me because he made me feel wanted constantly. Even though I was some orphan that half the school didn't notice, Adam did.

And he never called me "orphan girl" as the school did. He called me bunny, up until now. He's always called me it.

We started becoming best friend towards the end of our high school year, before I knew it, he became my world, and I like to think that I became his too at one point.

Adam had been my best friend for a long time. He made me feel special when I clearly wasn't. He's meant the world to me since and the thought of losing him now made me feel broken.

How do you lose something that you've learned to live with forever? It just doesn't seem possible. I'm not really sure how it's possible now.

~~

"So are you going home anytime soon?" Katie asks me as she popped open the bottle of red wine.

I shrug, watching her as she poured us both a glass of the wine. She pushed my glass towards me.

"Thanks." She nods.

"He hadn't even tried talking to you?" She asks. I shake my head, holding my glass up and moving it, making the liquid inside move around the glass.

"I'm sure you two will make up. You're Adam and Allison for Gods sake! You've been Adam and Allison since high school. That's not something that just goes away." She points out.

I give her a smile before taking a drink of my wine.

"I don't know what to do anymore." I murmur.

She nods. "Maybe you guys have been trying to fix this all the wrong way. Maybe you two just need to sit down and talk shit through." She points out.

"What if that doesn't work?" I ask.

There was always that possibility. I wasn't sure why this had to be so complicated.

I just wanted everything to be fine again. "Well you'll figure out what to do from there. But Allison-" She pauses, sitting down her glass.

"I'm not saying that it isn't gonna work between you and Adam, but if in the end it doesn't seem like there's no possible solution for you guys just know I'm always here for you." She gives a sincere smile.

I give her a sad smile back, looking back at my drink.