In love with my best friend

Possibilities.

I hurried home before Adam. I was so glad we had taken different cars to counseling.

I needed time to think about what I'd say. He obviously would want to talk about what I had stupidly admitted to in counseling.

He'd wanna talk about it, he'd wanna know why I've lied this whole time.

I had no idea what I'd say. My whole body was tense, I was nervous, scared actually.

Adam didn't want another kid and was I really gonna allow that? Or would I-

I shake my head.

I couldn't think this way, I needed to think.

I sat on a barstool in the kitchen, my head in my hands as I closed my eyes, thinking.

That's when I heard the front door open and close.

I can hear shuffling and then Adam walking into the kitchen.

I didn't dare to lift my head and check to see if he was coming towards me.

I heard him sit next to me on one of the barstools.

I can hear him sigh.

"We need to talk." He breathed out.

"No." I responded, closing my eyes tighter.

I wasn't ready for a fight that was about to explode.

"Yes we do." He says.

"Our counselor told us not to talk about any of this." I point out, although I knew I was full of it.

"Bullshit." He laughs out.

I lift up my head, glancing at him, taking only a peak at his reaction.

He stared at me despite the fact that I wasn't looking at him before.

"Fine, say what you need to say." I murmur in defeat.

There was a long silence. I gave him time to gather his thoughts, God knows I needed it too.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" He asks finally.

I had two different ways to respond.

Either act as if I had no idea what he was talking about, giving myself time to figure out what I hadn't figured out, or- or tell the utter truth and face what would come after.

"I was afraid." I mutter, looking anywhere else but him.

"Afraid of what?" He asks.

I shrug, fiddling with my fingers.

"Afraid of what you'd say. Afraid that you'd disagree and this-" I motion between us. "Would end." I whisper, glancing down at the marbled countertop.

There was the longest silence between us.

I had thought counseling would fix my marriage, not destroy it further.

I bit my lip, anxiously.

"I didn't think you wanted a kid, especially with me." He says suddenly.

"What?" I ask confusingly.

"Why?" I add, staring at him.

"Because-" he sighs.

"I've hurt you so many times before Allison. I didn't want to tie you down further." I narrow my eyes.

"What?" I was confused.

"I mean- marrying me alone, I honestly thought I'd screw it up by now, that this wouldn't last. I assumed you wouldn't want a kid but I think I wanted to assume you didn't want a baby with me, because I wanted you to be able to have no strings attached with me if a day were to come were we no longer worked."

I wasn't sure how to respond. Either with laughing at him, for obviously being so incorrect but also for being stupid, or being sad that he'd thought this way this whole time.

"Adam-" I turn towards him. "There will always be a possibly where we don't work. But we can't just take that and roll with it. We can't expect the worst because-" I shake my head.

"Because that isn't living. I don't see a future without you Adam. I couldn't bare the thought and when I moved for that one year- I felt like apart of me was gone, and had stayed here with you because it did. We can't live on a possibility, we can't wait for us to screw up. We have to live with the fact that it might but we can't just be afraid of that." I take a deep breath.

"And I understand if you don't want a baby with me. I know you love Boston and I know he's probably all you need." I sigh, backing up as I came to an unbelievable realization.

"But I'm not okay with it. I'm not saying I want a baby now, but eventually I want one. One who I can just- have as my own. Knowing I'd be able to make decisions for this baby, knowing that it's mine and no one else's. I consider Boston as my own but when it comes down to it, he isn't. I won't ever get to make decisions for him, I won't ever get to raise him the way I'd raise my own child. That's not my privilege. I don't want to force you Adam, I know you don't want this. So I-"

"I don't know where this leaves us." He arches his eyebrows surprised.

"Allison," he unexpectedly smiles, leaning forward and placing his hand on my cheek.

"I want a baby with you. I know it's seemed like I don't and I know I've said shit that made it look like there was no way in hell that I would, but- God I do. Not now, not in a screwed up moment we're in now, but eventually, I'd be so happy and so okay with it." He says.

"I want a baby with you, I want a baby girl or boy- or whatever. I don't care when, I don't care how, I don't even care if you'd name it some weird ass name like Zade or Jumbo, or Jax, or some kinda stupid name." He shrugs, pausing.

"I actually like the name Jax, so keep that in mind." He murmurs.

"My point is, yes, I want to have a family with you, no matter how small or big it is." He whispers.

I smile, tears filling my eyes. "Okay?" He asks.

I nod. "Okay."