Part two
Looking back on it now, I regret how we only ever kissed three times. At the time, I was scared of falling too hard, only to have her leave me, but now I know that it didn't matter how many times we kissed. We were in love.
Her funeral brought me to my knees, literally.
It was September, only seven months after we met. It should have been her sweet sixteenth birthday in another month, instead she was lying, cold as ice, in a coffin that seemed too big for her tiny frame.
I cried when my dad told me I needed a suit. I bawled and screamed and told him I didn't because she wasn't dead. She couldn't be gone. It felt like only yesterday we met.
Her parents requested everyone wore something colourful to the funeral. To match her bright personality. I wore a blue suit that was too big and hung loosely from my body, because I refused to go and get it fitted.
I was fifteen. My friends were hitting puberty and worried about spots and exams, my life had just turned upside down.
Her coffin was purple, bright and vibrant, her favourite colour. I missed her laugh.
They played all her favourite songs, the ones I sang to her in hospital. I missed her eyes.
Her family looked at me with sympathetic eyes, though they'd lost her too, I didn't look back. I missed her dimples.
It began to rain before we left the church. I didn't listen to anyone telling me to be careful or offering umbrellas. Mum put her arm around my shoulders and dad squeezed my hand but I pulled away and shrugged them off. I only wanted to be touched by her.
I couldn't watch her coffin go into the ground. The thought made me wretch and I turned around before I got into the car, I got sick all over the pavement. My tears mixed with the rain and I couldn't tell what was what.
I imagined her beautiful body being lowered into the dirt and worms and the cold, damp places where I could no longer hold her. How I couldn't protect her.
I fell. Straight into a puddle. My head hit the pavement, missing the puddle of sick by inches. The smell made my tears thicken. I blacked out.
•••
There was so much frustration and confusion. I was tempted to sleep and never wake up, but I couldn't, her dying wish was that I make my dreams a reality.
I needed to do this to keep her close to me.
I began chasing those dreams.
•••
I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't met her. Sure, I wouldn't have gone through the heartbreak, but I also wouldn't have felt the love. I probably wouldn't have been able to do what I'm doing now. Traveling the world, doing what I love. Something would have held me back, I'm sure of it.
Whenever I'm in a new country or town or city, I always look to the sky. The stars that she said she'd never see are all around me. But she's never there. I'd give anything to have her by my side, to have her see what I've become.
It's all down to her, it's all for her. And I love her with all my heart, no matter how long we had, how young we were or how long she's been gone.
She wasn't there yesterday and she won't be tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever love again like I loved her and I don't know if I want to try, but she's not in the sky of stars, she's in my dreams and my heart and my memory. And she still means everything to me.
