Written - 18/10/18
The moment I see him everything rushes back to me.
The way he used to look at me, say my name, kiss me with both hands wrapped around my waist.
The way we used to love each other. It all hits me as I see him, a look of recognition passing his face.
It's been almost two years, and we cut all contact. After the break up, he wanted to stay friends, but of course it was easy for him, he was the one who dumped me. I agreed but slowly, stopped replying to his texts or when he recommended a new song to me, I'd never listen to it. He rang a couple times, and the pain was so great I couldn't even let it ring out. I declined almost instantly.
Now it all hits me, his giggle that only I could bring out in him, his bad jokes, his eyes sparkling as we drove home in the moonlight.
I duck my head, hair covering my face, hiding, although it's too late.
He crosses the room, a smile already on his lips and it stings. A little part of it finds its way into my still broken heart and I try to smile back, but end up choking on a held back sob.
"Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and best friend?", he greets, I shrug, "they're both cauldron", he says and I have to laugh. Of course he greets me with a bad Harry Potter joke.
"Hi Reece", I whisper and for some reason saying his name sounds weird. My voice close to breaking, yet he still cracks a smile. "Hi y/n", I feel foolish. I feel stupid that I'm not over him, but I can't deny the flutters I get when he says my name so delicately.
"Fancy seeing you here", he laughs, gesturing to the baby shower going on around us.
"Yeah, Michelle invited me", I smile and he nods. Michelle, my first cousin, is engaged to Derek (made him up lol), Reece's school friend.
"So, how are you?", he asks, and I feel guilty that he seems to be doing all the talking, "I've not seen you in a while"
"I'm okay", I shrug, wishing I could say good, but knowing I could never lie to Reece either.
"How are you?", I ask, forcing a smile, but I feel sick inside. We used to cuddle in the winter, on the couch.
"I'm great", he beams and my heart breaks more. It's true that when a heart breaks, it never breaks even, he got the good side. We used to bake cookies for Lexi sometimes, make a mess and Lindsey would insist on cleaning it up.
"How's everybody?", I ask as the memory intrudes my mind.
"Great yeah, Lexi is growing at an unbelievable rate", he laughs.
"I bet she is", I smile, but I wish I could see her again. I wish I could watch her grow.
We used to take the silliest pictures together and print them and stick them up all over our rooms. I wonder what he did with them, mine are in a box under my bed, I look at them when I feel sad, but it makes it worse. I miss him more than ever.
We used to talk to each other every single day, no matter where in the world we were. We used to laugh until we cried
We used to sing all out favourite songs at the top of our lungs until the neighbours began to complain
We used to...
Now we don't do anything.
Now we are awkward.
We are silence that should be filled with words and laughter. Emptiness that should be filled with love.
Cold that should be filled with warmth.
Now we are strangers.
"I should probably go find derek", he smiles, "I'll talk to you later?", he phrases it more like a question and I nod, although I don't want to have this awkwardness all over again.
"Sure. It was nice to catch up", I smile, but you can't really call it a catch up.
A two minute period, a few words, it doesn't make up for two years of love, lost and gone, and a further two years of silence, deafening beyond comprehension.
Reece smiles, pulls me in for a hug, which I want to last forever, but I know it can't.
He let's go within forty seconds and then he walks away calmly, back to me, walking away all over again.
I dab at my eyes, mascara blurring and quickly make my way to the bathroom, but it's too late, the memories collapse in my head, I watch him go and I sink to the floor, tears hot down my cheeks and leaving tracks, like the tracks he left in me.
We used to...
But not any more.
Now there is no we, only him and I, never to collide in the way we did.
Inspired by a recent awkward encounter with my ex which strangely made me want him back even more lol.
