Written- 29-04-18
Cash cash ft conor maynard - all my love
Friday night my phone is off. And none of my friends even know you're gone.
My house. Silent. The echo of a door slam still in the air. The shouts and screams still engraved in my mind.
Cheating, denial, shouts, fights, sometimes it feels like it never ends.
I powered off my phone. Enraged by the pictures people keep tagging me in. Pictures of my boyfriend, lips attached to another girl and timestamped as yesterday.
My friends hadn't contacted me. They either had seen the picture and betrayed me by not telling me or hadn't seen it yet. I didn't know.
All these broken picture frames I'm sick of your face but can't look away.
The fight had gotten out of hand. Possibly the worst that this toxic relationship has seen. I threw a picture frame across the room, narrowly missing his head. I didn't know if missing his head filled me with relief or more anger. The picture frame hit the wall, shattered and fell to the floor.
It lay beside his feet, wood splintered and glass smashed. We smiled up from below the remains of a broken relationship. A past memory of happy.
Now that he was gone I fell to the floor, sinking in to the shards. His smile glistened and winked under broken fragments of my anger. I hated the sight of his smile, but wanted to never see him unhappy again.
Can't go out, can't stay home
I wanted to stay there. I didn't want to run after him. I wouldn't apologise. He was the one in the wrong. I didn't want to appear weak. I didn't want him to think I needed him, when he clearly didn't need me.
I couldn't stay home. I couldn't just sit in these shards, festering in my anger and hurt until he returned. What if he didn't return? I could not just lie and hope.
Maybe I didn't even want him to return. He's pushed it far enough this time.
I don't know how, how to be alone.
I didn't know how to be without him.
I wanted him to never return, I wanted to be free from this toxic thing we had and I wanted to finally allow myself to be happy, fully happy and not treading on eggshells. I wanted to find someone who wouldn't cheat on me repeatedly.
But I was scared, I didn't know who I was without him. Call me crazy, but I felt like he defined me. Like this horrible relationship I was trapped in, was part of my life and I couldn't live without it. We had bad times, many of them, but we had highs too.
I keep waiting for you
So I waited. He left at 10pm and at 12:30 am I was still up, wondering where he was.
Waiting for you to come back
I needed him to come back. Today couldn't be the day he left for good, could it?
With all my love
I loved him, wholly and fully and it was real. I gave him all my love.
How can I sleep when you're out there with all my love?
How could I sleep, knowing he had taken my heart with him. I didn't know where he was, all I knew was that I was there with him. He carried pieces of me wherever he went.
I can't believe you left here, with all my love.
As the hours passed I worried that he had left for good this time, that he wouldn't return, that he'd change his mind.
I couldn't lose him, not when I had given him all my love. But I was in denial and I couldn't believe he was gone, I didn't want to think that he had left, when I knew he had.
Bring it back, bring it back, come on.
I willed him to come back, to bring back my heart. To apologise, to explain himself. During the fight, he screamed and shouted and we both threw things, but he didn't explain himself. Maybe there was nothing to explain, maybe this time it was cheating, plain and simple.
The door opened. My head shot up. I was still sitting on the floor, tears dried to my cheeks and glass sticking to my palms and arms. I was bleeding, but too numb, shocked and mentally hurt to feel anything.
I wondered if I was unstable.
"Y/n", his voice called. He stood in the doorway, looking down on me, although it was him who wronged.
I hadn't expected him to return.
He sat beside me. Rubbed the blood from my arm. I could smell alcohol from him.
"This relationship is toxic, huh?", he mused, but neither of us laughed.
"I feel trapped", I admitted.
"You could always leave", he points out. I stare blankly at where my phone is lying, smashed, across the room.
"Could I really?", I laugh bitterly.
"I love you y/n", he tells me, alcohol talking, not the regret of cheating.
I see him pick up the picture from beneath the frame. I turn my head. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair is messy.
"I love you too Blake, you know that"
"I'm sorry", he says.
"Why did you do it?", I ask, agony piercing every syllable.
"I wanted something stable for once", he answered honestly. He looked at me, his eyelashes wet.
"I know we aren't stable Blake, I know we aren't normal, I know we aren't perfect, but we love each other"
"What's stable?", he asks kissing me lightly.
"What's perfect?", he asks again, leaving another paper light kiss on my lips.
"What's normal?", he questions, kissing me briefly before looking back at the picture in his hands.
"We are happy. We are happy more than we are sad, surely that counts for something", he says, pain lingering in his voice.
"It does", I promise.
"We have our fair share of problems, but we work through them", I assure both him and myself.
"I came home", he whispers.
"I didn't think you would", I tell him honestly.
"You forgave me", he whispers.
"I didn't think I would"
"I'm sorry I cheated. I know you don't deserve it. I don't deserve you to forgive me, if you want me to leave then I will"
"How could I want you to leave? Nobody else will ever stand this crazy, toxic thing we have. Nobody will love me like you or hate me like you
You have all my love Blake, so please don't ever leave again?"
He pulled me close, kissed my forehead and released me. We crawled into bed, lying together, in each other's arms. Peaceful at last, but I wondered how long it would last? How long till it started again?
When I woke up we were both smiling, yesterday already forgotten.
••••
Hey
I know I said yesterday I'd edit this but I lied, you are getting the imperfect version, as usual, but I promised an update and HERE IT IS.
(I see the vamps in 3 days!! I packed my suitcase yesterday, cried and now I feel like I will burst with nerves happiness and excitement!!!)
(( it's my first ever proper concert. I've only ever been to a small scale festival before so this is a massive deal to me 😭❤️))
