Heartstrings- spencer Sutherland
Blake POV
I wake up to footsteps. To y/n leaving my apartment without a warning, without a goodbye.
It stings a little and I just lie there as I hear the door open, three steps, and close again. Just like that.
I think back to last night, kissing her intensely, her kissing me back as we were so close I didn't know where she began and I ended.
She always does this.
I know she doesn't need me. She doesn't need me the way I need her.
Sure, she wants me, but I want her to need me. She wants me when it suits her.
She wants me when we go out to a party and my social status is a thing she can abuse. She wants me when we leave and go back to mine, but after that.
She doesn't want me alone. She doesn't want me when I'm crying or angry. She doesn't want to comfort me.
She doesn't want to get attached to me.
There are times she tells me she loves me, like last night, and I believe her, naively, foolishly.
Her words are her weapons, I realise now. She can manipulate me without me realising it. She makes me do whatever she wants and I always end up regretting it.
--
Two weeks.
It's been two weeks since I heard from y/n. She just seemed to disappear. I've texted her, called, left voicemails and nothing. No answer.
She does this sometimes but only for a few days. She'll ignore me until I am relevant again, which pisses me off to be fair, but I'm infatuated with her, and she can use me all she likes.
This time feels different, somehow it feels like she's gone. Permanently. Of course nothing can confirm this, it's just a feeling I have, and I hope that feeling isn't right. I god damn hope I am wrong.
--
Three weeks.
I think I need her. I've told her this, once she said she felt the same, but, when the time came, she abandoned me.
Fuck you y/n, you don't see that I'm breaking.
-
To be honest, I don't know what this is.
I'm sorry guys, I've not uploaded really since august. I've lost my rhythm, lost my passion and along the way lost my sense of who I am.
These past months have been really hard for me.
I lost two people, one extremely close to me, to death and dealing with that took a toll on me.
I've been having a lot more anxiety/ panic attacks lately and I've been so stressed.
School, exams, friends, boys (and girls ngl) sport, family. Everything seems hard and stressful.
I've been struggling to write anything. I've lost that creativeness and I feel like everything I write can't even compare to my work before, my skills have gone downhill majorly.
Yesterday I realised- I want to live, despite how down I have been feeling. Like it's been really dark.
I also realised how much I miss wattpad. I haven't checked Wattpad in the last few months. I haven't been reading. I haven't been writing. I haven't been checking comments or messages. I've completely vanished.
But I'm here now, with a passion for writing and I goddam miss you guys. You are so supportive and I couldn't be more grateful. Thank you for everything and for sticking by me. It means the world.
I hope to get back into the flow of writing again soon (I've had the worst case of writers block ever) and upload again soooonnn.
This is what I want to do- for the rest of my life. Writing is the only thing that finds me when I am lost and reminds me who I am. The only lifeline I have and I need it. I'm never giving this up.
Go follow my Instagram
@/benhopeclub love you always
Xxxxxx
