Written- 17/04/18
2.5k babyyy!!
Go ahead and rip my heart out
if you think that's what love's about.
"I'm doing this for us", the shout stretched across the room, anger filled and made the whole world seem a little bit smaller.
"Well it doesn't feel like it", I shouted back. It felt like he was ripping my heart out, like it was the first thing we had ever disagreed on, but it was ruining us.
"You just can't be happy for me", he screamed. I thought he was going to slam the door and storm out, but he stayed put.
"Reece all I've ever done is supported you", I cried, shocked at his outburst.
"No y/n, you are never there for me", that stung, I'd always supported him in everything he did and waited for him to encourage my dreams, sometimes he never did. Sometimes he thought that he was doing what I wanted, it made me wonder if I really knew him at all.
"REECE, I'm never there for you because I have to stay here, not all of us can travel the world. I have to EARN A LIVING", I scream.
"You keep making wrong decisions", he criticises, "but I won't let you do this. I won't let you stop me from living my dream"
"I AM NOT TRYING TO STOP YOU. I'm only trying to make you see that if you walk away now you are walking away from us because I'm sick of waiting for you", I screamed, frustrated. He wanted to move to La. permanently.
I told him I couldn't go with him, I loved him, but I had a steady job here, my family were here. I couldn't just uproot and move hundreds of miles away. I tried gently persuading him, but his mind was set.
"I wouldn't have to walk away if you weren't so SELFISH", he shouted, I had never seen him like this, passionate and angry and upset all at once.
"I AM THINKING OF OUR FUTURE"
"Y/n, you're thinking of YOUR future", the words hit me like a blow to the chest, "MY future IS in la"
"I thought I was your future", I whisper. He laughs bitterly, clearly delusional with blind anger, he's not the sweet Reece I know. Him laughing sets off s new anger in me, sparks a thought that if he doesn't need me, I don't need him. I won't let him watch me fall apart, he usually holds me together, instead he is pushing me, tearing at my heart, and saying it's all for us.
"Fine, LEAVE", I scream, hot tears sliding down my cheeks.
"GO. SEE IF I FUCKING CARE", I scream again.
He hesitates. The door is pulled open.... and slammed again on his way out.
"I HATE YOU REECE BIBBY", I scream at the closed door, emotions building and escaping again in sobs and tears.
I wasn't thinking about what would happen next. My mind was purely set on keeping the boy I loved with me. Here.
I wasn't thinking about what he was doing, if maybe he was doing it out of love. I felt angry and upset, how could he expect me to drop everything for him and he wouldn't even do the same for me?
"I'm doing it for us", those words replayed again and again in my mind. Maybe he thought we would have a better life in LA. But I knew better, it'd start subtle. I'd see less and less of him, eventually we'd grow apart, he'd either cheat or break things off. I'd be left alone, stranded, in LA, with no money to get home and a broken heart.
Maybe if i broke my own heart now, here, and let him leave, it'd hurt less.
:::
He was gone for four hours, I sat for four hours on our bed, inhaling the scent of him. My tears dried into my face, leaving long red streaks and puffy eyes.
He walked in the door, and I could barely look at him. I was still upset, but now that I had thought it through, I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at the thought of leaving, but I wasn't mad at Reece.
He was still crying, sniffling and I immediately felt bad that I wasn't upset enough to cry straight for four hours, while he was. "I'm doing this for us", the memory of his voice from earlier slipped into my mind and I almost burst into tears again. A little bit of selfish anger slipped back into my head, along with a seed of doubt doing what for us?
"Y/n", he starts. I look up.
"Don't", I whisper, "I'm not gonna say sorry, because I still don't want you to leave, but Reece I can't go with you. I have too much here, I can't leave it behind", I tell him, trying my best to stay calm. He sobs, my chest deepens, my heart suddenly heavier.
"I don't want to leave you y/n, but I have to go to LA. This is a life changing opportunity. One that I will never get again, this record could be our big break. I'm not putting my career in front of you, I thought you'd be happy"
"Reece, how could I be happy with losing the only guy I want, the guy I was sure I'd spend my whole life with, the guy I wanted to have kids with, marry. I know you're upset, I am too, but I just can't go. Like you can't stay, I can't leave", I told him quietly, crying almost silently.
I thought that when he came back we would both apologise and it would be fine, I think now maybe I'll lose him.
"You're not losing me", he promises.
"I am", I sob, "tell me you'll stay", I beg him.
"I can't", he whispers, "but I'll be back. I promise. This isn't permanent"
"How long?", I ask, choking on a sob.
He shakes his head "I just don't know"
My heart beat fades a little, just as my heart finally cracks into two.
"I can't wait for you", I whisper and those words push me over the edge. A sob escapes my mouth and Reece walks over to the bed. He sits down and the mattress sinks under his weight.
He pulls me to his chest and I squirm, wondering if I'll ever hug him like this again.
His hands, soft as silk, stroke my hair, so gently I wonder if I imagined it.
"Where does this leave us", I ask him, barely able to breath.
"I don't know", he admits. Tears soak his shirt, his and mine, mixed together just like every other part of us. How could we ever be separated?
"Y/n, even if you can't wait for me, I'll never give up on us, I'll always wait for you, even if you decide to give this up, I'll wait for you, just in case you change your mind. I'll still be here, always, no matter where we stand or where we are in the world"
Okay that was emotional, I'm emotional and my life is a mess, this is a mess too but so am I so I can't really fix it :(
The ending was even more of a mess, I'm sorry I didn't tie it up properly and ughhhh I am such a horrible writer. I'm sorry
