aimer moi | alemanda ✓

chapter sixteen

Alesha

I groaned as I sat in front of the toilet. I had just thrown up because of the child I was carrying. The child that I didn’t want to be pregnant with. Almost as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I got taken down with morning sickness at all times of day. My pregnancy with Azura had been easier than the pregnancy with this child. I had little morning sickness with Azura’s pregnancy but I was getting sick all the time. Luckily we were on term break for school so that meant my nose wasn’t being assaulted with different, strong smells that made me want to get sick. I hadn’t thrown up in my classroom yet but I knew that I wouldn’t be pregnant for much longer.

    I wanted to get an abortion for the baby so I would no longer be carrying the product of my rape. I didn’t think of the child that I was carrying as my child. I didn’t want to be pregnant at all. I wasn’t sure if I wanted two children like Amanda, especially knowing that I had been raped with the baby I was carrying as a daily reminder. I had asked Amanda what it was like for her to carry Lexi and she had replied that once she saw the first ultrasound of her and heard her heartbeat, she knew she wanted to keep her daughter. I didn’t think that was going to happen to me.

    I felt dirty, knowing that I was carrying a child I didn’t want. I was constantly reminded that I had been raped and now was pregnant. I had scheduled an ultrasound anyways and a physical to be sure that I could go through with aborting the baby. I had already gotten the physical and I was told that I could go through with the abortion unless I would like to see the child in an ultrasound before I aborted it.

    I said I wanted to have the ultrasound, and I hoped that it was going to change my mind. At least that was what Amanda had said it could do. I wanted the baby gone because I felt tainted, dirty. I couldn’t scrub away the feeling no matter how much I scrubbed at myself with a bar of soap. It was impossible to do. I told Amanda what I had decided.

    I told her that I was going to go through with the abortion after an ultrasound. I didn’t need to hear the heartbeat of the baby. I didn’t want to be reminded very much of what had happened to me. I had looked at the pregnancy development books I had bought when I was pregnant with Azura and I saw how much the baby would be developed when I had the abortion. I was going to be ten weeks pregnant or so when I scheduled to get the abortion. The baby’s heart would be strong and it would start to have a definite shape to it. The spine would be forming and the baby would be a fetus.

    I saw the notes I had written in the books from when I had been pregnant the first time. I had to laugh when I saw the things I wrote. I was clearly upset that I hadn’t gotten that much morning sickness my first trimester. I had known from week four of my pregnancy with Azura that I was going to be expecting. I had been elated when I had found out, a stark difference to my reaction to finding out I was pregnant because of rape.

    I didn’t like this pregnancy one bit and I wanted it to end as soon as possible and I had only a couple of days left until I would no longer be pregnant. I had called Amanda daily, almost religiously to question her on her pregnancy with Lexi. She had went through the same feelings I was after she had been raped and found out she was pregnant. I was lucky that my girlfriend had gone through a similar situation that was almost identical to mine but she had known from that first ultrasound that she wanted to keep Lexi.

    I dialed Amanda’s phone number as I sat in bed, two days away from the ten week ultrasound and the abortion and almost two weeks since I started getting morning sickness. I had questions still, that I wanted to ask Amanda, even if I was repeating them. I was scared about aborting a child. She picked up after a couple of rings.

    “Hey. Perfect timing. I was just getting out of the shower, Alesha,” Amanda said as a way of greeting.

    “Can you send me a picture then?” I asked jokingly, laughing a little. Amanda could make me laugh like no one else except for maybe David.

    “Naughty,” Amanda cheekily replied. I heard her shut off her bathroom light and put her phone on the bed, putting it on speaker phone so we could continue talking while she got ready for bed herself. “How have you been feeling lately? Still having the dreaded morning sickness?”

    “Unfortunately yes, I have been. It’s awful and I can’t wait for it to end in a couple of days. Thank you in advance for coming with me to the ultrasound and abortion, Amanda,” I replied quietly. In a morbid way I was looking forward to ridding my body of a child that I didn’t want. “Did you schedule yourself for an abortion when you found out you were pregnant with Lexi, Amanda?”

    “I did but I canceled it after I saw Lexi in the ultrasound. I had already started to develop a bump at that point and I was having second thoughts about it. Do you have a bump yet?”

    “I do. I want to go through with the abortion though,” I replied. I looked down at my stomach. No one could see that I was carrying a child yet but I knew there was a bump there underneath my pyjama shirt. I lifted my shirt up and I could see the soft roundness that my stomach was beginning to develop. I placed a hand over it and a smile flickered across my face. Maybe I was having second thoughts as well but I still wanted to keep the appointment.

[] hey guys! Alesha is having second thoughts about an abortion! Do you think that she's going to keep the baby? What do you think is going to happen next and what did you love about this chapter? Bye until the next chapter!