Red Rain [Jason Todd]

I'm Sorry

The only thing that seemed to make sense was how cold it was today. Everything else felt wrong, with it being an oddly clear, cloudless sky for such a painful afternoon. Physically, emotionally, mentally...just overall painful.

And I'd know because I've felt every type of pain.

I see all the familiar faces, all the friends and family I've ever had, frowns on their faces, tears in their eyes.

I don't know where I belong though, I don't really deserve to be comforted. Neither does Koriand'r, who's also here.

I see Mark and Joanne, the pain breaking through them, Roy comforting Isabella through her sobs and Bruce and Selina holding beautiful lilacs. Beside them are the rest of the family: Damian, Tim, Stephanie, Cassandra, and Katherine. I recognize some coworkers from the diner here as well, all sharing the same expression.

I watch as Koriand'r crosses over and cautiously approaches Dick, gently grabbing his hand in hopes of comfort. He only snatches away, turning around to walk away from her and everyone else, face drenched. There's regret and sorrow in her expression as she let's him go, as there should be.

For good reason, I didn't feel like facing Dick. Neither of us were in our right minds; I knew that if we crossed paths, one of us would not walk away.

I blink and embrace the cold wind that blows as I stand under a dying tree, the leaves falling from autumn.

Today was...a day.

August 16th.

Just a day.

I close my eyes tightly and clench my jaw to try to keep my shit together. But I was no longer strong. I couldn't be. So I couldn't keep my shit together. Especially not when I have memories flashing through my head every time I close my eyes.

And I'm breaking down on the inside.

A hand lands on my shoulder and I open my eyes to Bruce, his condolences silently being given. I just sadly look away from him and he and the family continue on.

Roy and Izzy approach me, and unlike everyone else, they're two of the other three people who I actually share and feel their pain.

Izzy's face is completely red, rid of makeup, and swelled a little. Roy's nose and eyes are slightly red and tears run down his face as he wraps his arm around me, other hand still holding onto Izzy's tightly.

And I do nothing but pray that he keeps holding onto her.

I give a quick hug back but it doesn't last long before I want to be left alone again. They leave and soon there's no one here but me. I finally walk forward til I reach a bench to take a seat.

I rest my elbows on my knees, intertwine my fingers, then press my fingers against my forehead. I stare numbly.

I'm so sorry.

I wish I could just go back...

Change what I did, the things I said.

Undo all the things I did to hurt you, undo all the mistakes I've made.

I'd keep trying to understand why you ever loved me and how you managed to change me.

You were all I cared about, and I swear, I tried to show you how much I did. How much and how deep I loved you, but it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough to keep from betraying you, it wasn't enough to protect you...

I wasn't enough.

I'm not enough.

I will never be enough.

Because you deserved more.

I broke you and shattered myself in the process. I feel like I don't have my own heartbeat anymore, like the world stopped spinning because most of me went with you.

My other half, remember?

I'm trying to find your confidence and your strength, so I can be strong for you. I've always tried to be strong for you, even when some nights I felt like breaking down, nights where you were fast asleep and I woke up from nightmares, the days you helped me face my past...I never showed weakness. I never wanted or intended to because I knew I just needed...to be strong for you.

No one else mattered. I didn't matter.

...only you.

I feel my throat burn and see my vision blur until I shut my eyes tightly, immediately being haunted by her voice, her smile, her laugh, her touch. I pull my hands apart to press my palms against my forehead and push my fingers into my hair, eyebrows pushing together as burning tears somehow leave my resisting eyes and sobs try to break through my gritted teeth, sounding as soft, struggling grunts.

I never got to make it up to you, never got to prove to you how sorry I was.

I never got to hold and kiss you again. Didn't even get to say I love you again.

I know you don't forgive me for the pain I put you through, and I know you don't forgive me for letting them take you away from us. Knowing that, I can't and won't ever forgive myself.

I'm too lost to even find any self-forgiveness for how I failed you.

Just lost and damaged.

Thank you for showing me what it was like to be fixed, what it was like to be happy again.

I'm so sorry I couldn't return that.

I tried. I really did try...

Opening my eyes, I glare pass my tears to the gravestone of the love of my life.

Brielle Vieve Washington.