ethan dolan imagines

anxiety

inspired and unedited.

this is also based off of an actual experience...kinda.

Your POV
breakdowns are common to me; i look around and then, out of sheer surprise, i feel something grab my insides and twist them into ties, making me want to vomit. my throat couldn't inhale anymore, leaving me gasping for air. tears fill my eyelids forcing me to cry the awfullest of cries. my thoughts a blur, unorganized mess. my words muffled in my mourning.

it was something i couldn't keep in easily except for school, i feel so used to holding in all of my anger, stress, anxiety, emotions...they just seemed to me masked by my brightest of smiles. like a rainbow; beautiful scene yet what surrounds it is the heaviest of downpours of rain and clashes of thunder in the dense clouds.

i never discussed it with other people, except for ethan and a few others. some of my friends weren't really those that i could trust though, since random people bring it up just to witness me break down underneath them.

it's really an issue i deal with, i'm a young adult, of course this is normal to everyone. but mine is different; it's uncontrollable, it's repetitive, it's a mental illness.

i hear people at school argue about "oh! i had an anxiety attack! i was crying because of homework last night!" i just wonder if they couldn't breathe to where they couldn't even cry any more.

and i feel the fury building up in me. a new storm. the words in front of me looked like scribble, the text seems to meld together into just gray lines. the room felt hot, temperature rises quick, and the air seems to thicken up, it makes me sweat.

my fingers began digging into the skin of the palm of my hand, and i knew it's just beginning to storm inside me.

i let out a shuddering breath. "y/n?" a whisper from ethan and a hand grasping my tight fist. his eyes spoke of worry and sympathy. "are you okay?"

"no," i whisper back, i shake my head numerous amount of times. my lip was severely chewed by my teeth, since it helped me forget the hot tears that are beginning to pile up my eyelid like a bowl.

"eyes on your own paper," the teacher groan, his eyes drilled to the side of my head. our hands detach, i put mine under the desk and on my lap.

but it gets grasped again by ethan, his hand reaches out to lace with mine under the desk. i stare at my paper, i'm not thinking straight.

my mind is a colossal of worries.

what's adding to this is the obnoxious ticks of the clock. tick tick-"ten more minutes"-tick tick, my teacher's intimidating voice spoke.

the ticks of the clock echos through me. my actions speak out my thoughts; shaking and uncontrollable.

"y/n," ethan says cautiously, his eyes looking at my actions. i sometimes feel embarrassed for looking like this.

my mental conflicts sum up my actions. i exit the room, my muffled cries bounces off the walls. i knew ethan watched me leave without a warning since my hand slipped out of his so suddenly.

i hide in the bathroom, not sure what else to do, and i try to capture my breath again. it's unsteady, i feel like i'm hyperventilating. i'm not crying anymore.

it's violent shuddering. i run my tensed hands through my hair, i press my eyes shut, tightly to relieve the tension. i remain trying to regroup myself for a few minutes but it's not working. nothing is helping, which is making me feel worse.

"ba-y/n," i hear echoing through the bathroom, i don't see anyone, but i know it's ethan waiting outside of the restroom.

i don't know what to do, or think, i just walk to his voice.

i get out to see ethan leaning against the wall waiting for me, but once he saw my presence he reacts quick and cautiously. "y/n-"

"ethan i'm freaking out, i-i don't know what if doing-" he's hands reach my face.

"shh, baby. it's okay-" his hands desperately remove my tears. "listen you're going to be fine. the teacher gave you an extra day, y/n-shhh calm your breathing."

"i'm so confused, i-it's just hurting my head!" i feel my head pounding in a terrible rhythm, and my breathing is making me feel light headed.

"listen to me," ethan says, showing any signs of friendly affection through caressing my cheek with his thumb. "just take deep breaths."

i nod my head, eyes close, the weight of my head resting upon his hand.

"come here," ethan says pulling me close to him. i take a whiff of his cologne. "i don't want you to feel this way."

"i know you don't," my voice muffled in his chest, my breath calming down a little. the hallway was deserted, no one around, everyone in their classes, except for ethan and i.

his fingers comb through my hair. "that test was hard anyway."

"i know, i was so mad frustrated."

"same," he comments.

he sways me side to side, comfortable silence overtaking us without a problem. i heard him hum a tune i didn't know, but it lured me more loose in his arms.

minutes went by, classes will dismiss soon. ethan still was holding me tight, some students passed by, but i don't think he noticed.

"do you just want to go home?" he says. "i'll ditch with you."

hi i love ethan and his once long hair.

edited: did anyone listen to the sebastian olzanski album?