Suicide Hotline ¹ | ✓

39 | the diary entry

Dear Diary,

So, I've realized that I haven't written in this stupid diary since I had that argument with Chicken. It seems like a life time ago although it was like last week or something along those lines...

Anyway, these past few days have been... amazing to simply put it. Although I would never say it because he might possibly get a big head, Chicken actually makes me happy, I look forward to all his calls and I've never felt that way about somebody I haven't even met before.

Maybe its the thrill of not knowing who he is that's making me like him and maybe its not, for once, I just decide to not overthink stuff and just go with the flow and see what happens and the moment I've put my guard down, I had to seal it shut again because of what he said.

I mean, he didn't say anything harmful to me but after he shouted at me like that, it just reminded me of the past and everything and I could feel my walls going up again.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't let myself be that free around a guy again and yet I did and I ended up with walls higher then mount everest. Jamie ruined me, I realize it now but I didn't know to what extent but now I do.

He made me closed off and unable to trust anyone but Carly. He created the monster that is within me and I hate it, I hate it because I know even to this day Jamie still has the power over me, no matter how much I deny it.

Sometimes I wonder why life couldn't make me be a simple black girl without any mental issues or problems or worries and the only thing I would be worried about is my clothes or sneaking off to a party or whatever but no, I had to be that one fate decided to laugh in my face with and mess with my life.

I'm lucky I have Carly in my life, she is literally the best friend anybody could ask for, she isn't even my best friend, more like a sister. She's the one who was with me through everything, I know I don't deserve to have her in my life but I'm too selfish to let my best friend go.

I have no idea why she still keeps me around and I know that I sound like a boyfriend but its whatever it's not like anybody is going to read what I've written here, I'll be forever grateful for her. I know that I don't tell you this a lot, but I love you Carly and you're the bestest friend anybody could ask for.

I'll never tell her that though but thankfully she knows.

Mom said that I should forgive Jamie and believe me I've tried to, but after remembering all of those horrible moments, I just can't. My shrink told me that would be a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders and maybr it would be but I just can't. Carly said it would help me to move on and maybe it could help me but... I remember all of those nasty memories and I can't help myself but curl into a ball and cry.

Gosh, I really am messed up, maybe that's why Chicken was acting odd, maybe that's why he shouted at me, because he realized that he can't take anymore of my insults towards him and I can't help myself, its like a defensive mechanism for me which sounds crazy but I am known for being crazy... literally.

Maybe its none of the reasons and its just me being selfish and thinking about myself again. I mean, he did seem sick when he called me the day before yesterday night, maybe that's why he shouted at me yesterday or maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing or maybe its none of my business and I should just leave it.

My head feels like exploding with all of these thoughts in my head and I can feel an oncoming headache, my wrist is starting to cramp from all this writing and I can feel myself slipping into depression just thinking about everything.

I just hate this. I hate all of this and I just want it to stop. I hate life, I hate my dad's side of the family, I kinda hate my mother and father, I hate my stupid shrink and I definetly hate Jamie. I hate everything and I hate that I'm so damn messed up.

For once, why can't everything just stop for one moment?

Yours Truly,
Asanda

Written: 31 March 2018
Published: 28 April 2020

---794 Words---