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Dear Diary,
Its been two weeks.
Two weeks since Jamie was arrested, Two weeks since I last spoke to my best friend, two weeks since Jamie broke me apart.
All those days that Jamie kept me in my house, keeps on replaying in my mind like a broken record. The tortures he inflicted on me, Burning me with hot water, beating me with the metal side of the belt, punching and kicking me, drowning me in my own bath water. The crazed look on his face, the face of somebody who didn't care about what his actions did to others, to me.
Its forever imprinted in my mind and its driving me crazy, I can never look at my apartment the same way again, all I can remember is Jamie doing all sorts of vile things to me, touching me and making me impure. Nobody would want me after what he has done to me.
I've moved back into my childhood home, where I spend my days locked up in my old room crying and soaking my pillow with my tears. I can't do anything without thinking about what Jamie did, he ruined me and he is still ruining me even if he isn't in my life anymore.
He made me like this, he messed me up and scarred me for life. I can never forgive him for what he has done. I can't even talk to my loved ones without bursting out in tears. I curse the day I met Jamie Brown because if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be like this. I would be a normal teenager, and my only worry would be if my jeans made me look fat.
I can't look at my body for more than a minute, I take five showers a day to scrub off the dirt he has imprinted on me but my body still feels defiled and dirty, like worms are crawling all over me. I hate it, I hate him. He made me like this. Nobody would want a difiled girl, not even Colton, the nicest guy I ever had the pleasure of talking to.
He made me happy, free, loved. He made me feel normal. He made me live again. I miss him so much but I know, no matter how much he likes me, he wouldn't want me after I tell him what happened so I'm going to spare myself the hurt that I know will come when he rejects me.
And Carly, my dear best friend. I know I'm hurting her by pushing her away, but I can't help it. Its my fault for calling Jamie in the first place and Carly shouldn't even worry about me. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like her, she shouldn't worry about a defiled impure girl like me.
Nobody should.
Yours Truly, Asanda
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I cried when I wrote this.
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