3 Years

Chapter 18

"So uh...does this mean you forgive me?" Dan awkwardly asked me when we'd both relaxed on his bed. 

Truth was, I didn't know. Sure I should forgive him considering he's letting me stay at his house but I still couldn't make a decision. Maybe I've already forgiven him but I just don't trust him. That sounds like me. 

"Sort of I guess..." I sighed.

"I don't quite understand you." he muttered, sounding scared. I suppose I can understand why he would be scared of my answer. For all he knew, this could be the beginning of me telling him that we shouldn't be friends.

"It's just...I forgive you and all." I started, taking a pause so that I could gather my thoughts. "I just don't think I really want to...be anything more than friends."

I could see in Dan's eyes that he was disappointed with my answer but I could also tell that he was slightly relieved. It was weird, I could tell what Dan was feeling based on his tiny body movements. You see, I could tell that Dan was disappointed because his eyes clouded over in a way. I could tell that he was relieved, however, because he wasn't so tense and scared looking. It was quite easy to see Dan's emotions I suppose. 

"Do you think we could ever be anything more?" he asked quietly, looking down into his lap.

I fumbled with my hands, not knowing how to answer. I wanted nothing more than to be with Dan. I probably...well loved him more than I'd ever loved anybody else. The only problem was that I didn't know if I could trust him. What if he was only trying to get close to me because I was the most fun to play with? What would I do then?

"I want to. I really, really want nothing more." I told him, finally making up my mind. "But you know that it might take a while for me to completely trust you again."

"At least you don't want me to leave you alone..." he muttered, probably more to himself than to me.

I didn't answer. I was too lost in my own thoughts. Even though that conversation was short, it had made me lose myself in my thoughts. Thinking about how I didn't quite trust Dan made me realize that I was literally living in his house. He had also told me that his family is never at home (since his parents travel for work and his brother is some genius kid that's already graduated. Apparently he travels with them). If Dan really was just using me as a 'toy' this would be the easiest way for them to catch me. Oh god.

"Phil?" Dan said, sounding oddly alarmed.

I looked up at him...or tried to. My eyes were all blurry. "Hm?"

"Are you okay?" he asked, still sounding scared. "You're shaking...hey are you crying?"

Looking back down at my legs, I furiously wiped my eyes with the edge of my sleeve. "Of course not. I don't cry."

Dan laughed quietly before I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. "You and I both know that's not true Philly. What's wrong?"

"N-nothing's wrong." I lied. Sure it was obvious that I was lying but he didn't need to know that I was worried. That really wouldn't help either of us. 

I felt his lips touch the top of my head. Without actually meaning to, I tensed up. "Come on. You can tell me."

"No I can't. I'm sorry but I can't." 

Even though I was obviously crying, and both of us knew it, I didn't want Dan comforting me. Even though I loved having his arms around me, having him pulling me close...I didn't want him to be the one to calm me down. 

"Alright! Calm down!" he said quickly, letting me push him away. "I'm going to make myself some food...relax..."

As soon as he left I let out a long breath. My mind was going absolutely insane and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't know what to do with all of the thoughts that were flying through my mind. The one thought that I could actually focus on for more than five seconds was probably the one that would terrify me the most. 

What would happen at school?

I knew that Dan wouldn't give up his popularity just for me. That's like asking to be killed in his world. The only problem was that I didn't know what he would actually do then. Would he just turn into a bystander that didn't really do anything to harm me but didn't do anything to stop it from happening? Would he join in then pretend that he didn't want to hurt me later? I had no idea but it seemed more likely that he would hurt me and pretend to help me later. That just seems like a very Dan thing to do. 

"What are you thinking about this time?" Dan asked, sitting down on the bed next to me. 

I decided to tell him because why the hell not? "What are you doing to do at school? Are you going to be my friend or are you going to pretend that you barely know me?"

He paused, obviously thinking about what he was really going to do about me. "I'm not sure. If you want me to be completely honest...probably a bit of both."

"How can you be friends with someone but pretend like you don't know them?" I basically shouted.

Dan flinched away from me slightly. "I don't know. I'll probably just...make sure nobody bothers you...but at the same time I won't be, like, right next to you all the time."

I rolled my eyes, moving away. "Fine."

"Oh don't be mad at me for this!" he begged, leaning closer to me yet again. "I'm not doing this because I don't want to be seen with you! I just...don't want anything to happen."

"To you." I said simply. It was pretty damn obvious that Dan didn't want to be seen with me because he didn't want Jack to turn on him. In a way, I understood this. Nobody actually wants to get beat up all the time for no reason. At the same time, though, I didn't understand him at all. Why say that we're friends and that he likes me if he won't lose his popular status for me? 

God people confuse me...

For the rest of the weekend, Dan didn't talk to me at all. That's probably because I didn't leave the bedroom that he'd given me but we're just going to pretend that that's not the reason. 

Sometime on Sunday his parents came home. I heard them having some kind of argument while I was in the shower around dinner time. I wasn't entirely sure what they were arguing about but I'd heard my name a few times. That really makes me feel welcome in their house. 

On Monday morning when I got up for school, Dan's family had already left again. It made me want to know where they went all the time. How could a group of people travel that much only for a job? Seriously, can you imagine how bad their jet lag must be?

"I made you lunch. Just a sandwich but..." Dan trailed off, shrugging.

I just nodded and put the food into my backpack. I felt Dan watching me but I couldn't care less. Talking to him didn't seem like something that I actually wanted to do. Over the weekend I'd decided that I would treat Dan basically the same way that I treated Jack; don't talk, be sarcastic with facial expressions, don't show weakness. I suppose that's all I needed to remember.

"Hey aren't you going to walk with me?" Dan called out as I walked towards the door.

I just shook my head and left. I really didn't feel like walking with Dan when he was just going to leave once the school came into view. Might as well just get a head start then.