We Could Be Enough - Lams

XIX.

I freeze. He's definitely going to move it any second now, apologize to me, and keep going on with his life as if nothing happened.

But he doesn't. He keeps staring at the people talking on stage.

I look down at our hands. Is this real? I'm surely hallucinating. Maybe I tripped and fell on my way here and got knocked into a coma and this is all some sick dream.

No, I'm not dreaming. There's my hand, and... there's his. Right on top of mine. I can feel it, I can see it.

My heart pounds. Is this happening? I can't believe this is happening, I didn't prepare at all. Oh, heckity heck heck.

My eyes fly back down there when I feel his hand move. Not away from me, but moving it so it's more carefully positioned, covering my entire hand with his.

fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck fuck

fuck fuck shit

I take a deep breath. I need to calm down. It's probably nothing. Friends hold hands all the time, right?

Right? 

I keep looking back and forth between my hand and his face. That idiot's pretending that nothing is wrong in the slightest. I swear to god if this is just a joke or a prank put on by Peggy, I will have her skin flayed and use it as a rug.

Woah, John. That's morbid. Take it down a notch.

I look back at his face. The lights cause the part of his head facing me to be cascaded in shadow, but I can still make out his features. His nose is just adorable, his brown eyes look like chocolate and his mouth is just the perfect shape to fit on mine...

I look down at our hands again. It's now or never, John. This moment will decide your entire future.

I move my fingers, intertwining them with his, and...

Nothing. He doesn't move, doesn't flinch, doesn't even react.

DOES HE KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING WITH ME RIGHT NOW

I DON'T THINK HE DOES

I'M HYPERVENTILATING

My heartbeat pounds faster in my ears. I can't even hear what the person on stage is saying anymore (not that I care.) 

Is it getting hot out here? I think it is. I need to take my jacket off or I'm going to pass out. I swear, I only sweat this much when I'm back at home in South Carolina in the middle of summer.

I take my hand out of his to take off my coat. I struggle with the arms a bit, but soon enough it's in a pile by my feet and my hand is in his again.

I can't believe he let me put my hand back in his. By now he has got to know that our hands are together. Either that or he is the single most oblivious person on this planet.

We stay like that until Mr.Washington get's up on the stage one last time.

"By now I'm sure you all want to go to bed, which is good. You need to get your sleep schedules on track before the campers arrive. Remember, if you miss breakfast, you don't get to eat 'til lunch and same with all the other meals! That's all I can think to say at the moment..." He thinks for a moment. "Alright then, let's just go to bed. See you all bright and early tomorrow!"

People start to stand up and gather their things. I stay sitting, wanting my hand to stay where it is 'til the end of time.

The anxiety of thinking about other people seeing and teasing us get's the better of me. I take my hand out from under his, and suddenly I feel very cold and isolated. I long for him to take my hand again and keep it warm forever.

He gets up too. We walk side by side around the edge of the benches to where the now-lit path lays, but I stop him halfway through. I point my head up the dark hill. If we weave between buildings, we can go straight from here to our cabins, and no one else will be there.

He follows me wordlessly. After the light leaves my eyesight, a slip my hand into his. His fingers tighten around mine, and I feel secure again.

The crunch of dead leaves under our shoes is the only sound I can hear. We walk silently, all the way up. I almost slip on the steep hill a couple of times, but Alex is right there beside me in case  I need saving.

How did I survive without this?

We somehow make it all the way up the hill and back to our cabins without a light. I only realize this once we actually walk up next to them, as the heavy yellow-orange lights allow me to see his face for the first time since I sat down on the bench.

He drops my hand. I lean against the outside wall of my cabin and stare at the ground. What do I say now?????!?!?/?///1...>!

"So..."  I start off. I can't finish this sentence. I don't know what I want to say.

I had a great time!

See you tomorrow!

Please kiss me right now dear lord Alex.

Can't wait to do this again!

See? None of those work.

I peel my eyes away from the sidewalk and force myself to look at him. His chocolaty eyes are dark, rich, appealing. I can't look away. I don't know how average, everyday people think brown eyes aren't beautiful. Just look at them, they're so deep, so complex, so gosh darn pretty.

His eyes lock with mine. 

All of a sudden, he moves forward, closer, and it happens.

Everything melts away.

At first, his lips are stoic, not moving. They're as soft as I'd imagined them being, but this is even better than a daydream.

He steals them away from me a few seconds later. I look in his eyes for a moment, then wrap my arms around his head and pull him in again. I've waited forever for this. I breathe in. He washed his hair this morning, I can smell the tangerine soap he used.

He holds my face as we kiss. His hands fit perfectly on my body, like two puzzle pieces finally put together. I can't believe this is happening. I must be the luckiest person on Earth.

His nose tickles my cheek. His skin absolutely perfect, not a pimple or mole or imperfection in sight. My hands tangle in his hair and find their place behind his neck. I pull him in even closer than he already was, and I'm suddenly aware of the wood siding digging into my back. It scrapes me up, but I don't care.

Just as fast as it started, it ended. I hear chatter on the path a little ways up and I shove him off of me. He stumbles, wondering if he did something wrong.

"There's people," I whisper, breathing heavily. "I'll see you tomorrow, Alex, I promise."

He nods, turning away and running up to his cabin. He fumbles with the knob before going inside and slamming the door.

And I stand there, alone and cold in the dark. I can still feel him. Where he placed his hands, his arms, his mouth.

Did that really just happen.

No time for that now, I need to get inside before those people see me. Now the voices are closer, and I recognize it to be Lafayette and Herc, along with some other guys. 

I turn, whipping the door open and shoving myself inside. As I slide down the back of the door, the realization hits me.

Alexander kissed me.

My fingers slight upon my mouth gently. The ghost of Alex's kiss still lingers in my mind, on my lips.

I fall asleep soon afterward, the biggest smile spread across my face as I drift off.