Distractions (D. SWING)

36

Rain Pt. 2

It's the calm before the storm.

That's what she told me last night. She said she felt off, I was convinced that it was all in her head... she does shit like that to herself a lot. I thought she was just hyping small shit up like she always do. It's something about the uncertainty she carried that made me feel like it was all up in her head, but it was all up in the both of our heads. Shit's mind boggling. For the first time, without being anywhere near death, I saw my future looking back at me and I was ready to meet it halfway.

"Can you close the window, please?"

"No."

I can hear her scoff from the bed. I know she didn't expect me to go against her request. I haven't said no since she held a plastic stick that said yes. "Why not?" I can feel her sitting up in the bed. Her eyes are boring into me, I don't move, though. I can't look at her right now. Give a nigga a minute, know what I'm sayin'? I'm trying to get my mind right and, at times, a distraction is all that she is. A sense of escapism that makes it too hard for me to get back to reality. I can't be caught up in another world when real shit is happening in the real world, this where I need to be at right now.

"I'm thinking."

When I hear her roll back over, I take my chance of glancing back in her direction. "Well, we still have to go to my mom's house." I bite my lip, adjusting the hat on my head, holding back any thoughts that could slip. "Unless you don't want to, we can stay... I understand if you're feeling... you know–" I cut off her verbal struggle of tiptoeing around my feelings.

"I'm good."

I mean, she didn't have a miscarriage. The baby didn't die because there's no baby, right? Now let a nigga tell my soul that, 'cause the shit stinging a little. It's fucked up 'cause you get caught up in the idea of anticipation. Next thing you know, you so far gone that you forget that something could go wrong. So if you ask me, a man who's never lost they child, this is what the fuck it feels like. I mean that shit in all seriousness. I can't let Nel or her family think she with a punk, wasn't no baby to begin with, right? Ai'ight, let's go then.

"Well, I'm going to take a cat nap first. You know, sleep some emotions off. Can you please close the window," she says. I stare back at her. I don't want to close the window. Rain is almost as comforting as she is. I need this. "Okay, fine, leave it open. Can you at least lay down with me for a little bit?" Sighing, I get up off of her window-seal and shuffle over to the bed. I tuck my chain into my shirt. I know how she likes to lay on me and I know that it hurts her whenever her hair gets caught or wrapped around the loops.

I lay down directly beside her. She adjusts the blanket as she crawls on top to straddle me. Arms wrapped around, I'm held the tightest I've ever been held. She got a death-grip on me like I'd leave, like I actually have somewhere to go, like I really would rather be anywhere else in the world besides right here with her. She put up a good front, 'know what I'm sayin', but I know she feeling some kind of sting. It's not only the nigga with his heart wide open feeling some shit, I know she got to feel some kind of emotions. She was just as ready as I was, right? Or did she let that wedlock shit go to her head. Did she really have no idea that she wasn't even knocked up– of course she didn't. That's not even in Nel's character so throw all that trash into a bin, where it belongs.

She takes my hat off and throws it on top of the nightstand. Pressing her forehead against my own, she stares back at me. As she talks, her lips brush against mine, simply prompting me to kiss her but I know what she's saying is real shit. "I know you think you have be strong for me but I'm seriously good, De. I swear, I'm straight. I'm a little bothered but it isn't the end of the world." Damn, she really is beautiful. "I'm not discrediting anything you've been through but I've hit rockbottom so this is just a four on the one to ten scale, you know? I mean, at least we didn't literally lose a baby right? That's how I see it at least... but, this isn't about me. This is about you. So, are you okay– and be honest!"