Distractions (D. SWING)

57

Warm Winds, Cold Storms

Everything I do is wrong.

That's how it has been feeling these days, if you thought about asking me. No matter what I do, no matter what I say... It just don't work out for me. I can't really seem to figure out where the fuck all this bad luck came from. What am I doing wrong? I put my all into all the shit that I do, no matter what it is. I put my all into so much shit that my girlfriend got up, packed her suitcase, and left my ass high and dry like I never believed she would... And she warned me but I didn't think she would really leave. I'm not saying that like I'm some arrogant nigga. I'm saying that on some real nigga shit and as the real nigga I am, I understand that she chose to be with me but I can't imagine a world where she didn't choose me. Meanwhile, she can. She can imagine it so much in detail that she left.

Three days ago, I went to the studio to handle my shit. It was a regular session. A few trees in rotation, a bottle of 1942 bought from the liquor store down the street. There was nothing out of the ordinary except the way I couldn't focus on anything I tried to do. I was out of it a little bit. I was going on four days of living off of two hours of sleep and my habits were getting ready to dropkick my body. I knew sleep deprivation was on the way when I sat in the car for five minutes feeling like I had a bad case of vertigo mixed with a hangover. The best thing for a hangover is a beer but not even that was doing shit for me. Me and Nel talked about it and that's when she asked me to stay home for a little bit, get my rest up. I couldn't though. I flat out told her I had a deadline coming. Playa's deal is on the table with Time Warner and we got to make that deadline before the meeting.

After I left the studio was when I knew I fucked up. Nel was sleep when I left. I ignored my pager but I don't remember her paging me because she knows how to get my attention and if she wanted to, she could have. I was in the elevator when I felt my balance playing with me. Shit started getting a little wobbly. I knew if she thought I was drunk, the whole thing was going to be a problem. I tried to play that shit off but I just couldn't pull through. When I finally felt my body completely giving out, I couldn't fight it anymore. It was like the moment my senses recognized Nel's scent was nearby, my eyelids got heavy and it was time to settle down. Nel's always been my lullaby. She soothes my body like a blunt that laced with melatonin. Ain't that the sleep chemical? Yeah, I think. It don't matter what I think though. I should of known my body was gone be ready to check out.

She got mad, like I knew she would.

What I ain't know was that I was gone wake up to an empty house like that. I just wanted her to lay with me. I knew she was mad. I could see it on her face. I was trying to hear her out and I was having the conversation with her but she wanted to argue. I couldn't do that. I ain't have the energy for that shit, you know what I'm saying? So, I told her to get in bed. We could have kissed and made up. Her last words sit in the center of my head playing on a loop every time I blink. If you don't start taking me serious, De. I will show you just how serious I am. She always has been a woman of her word and I knew when I woke up to an eerily quiet house, she was gone. Her leaving was what really put shit in perspective for me.

I ain't shit without Nel and that's a fact.

I felt the lack of her presence immediately after waking up. What I also felt was a fat ass chunk of my everything missing. My heart, my mind, all of that. I checked her penthouse, she wasn't there. I checked my spot in Jersey, she wasn't there. None of my niggas knew where she was at. No hotels had her booked under her government or any of the other names she uses. All of her funky ass friends acted like they had no idea where she was. It wasn't for an another 24 hours that she finally called me back. The phone call was short and I could tell she didn't want to talk to me. She said she was staying with one of her girlfriends and just needed time. Whatever she wants, she will get from me. I gave her time and now that it has been three days. Three days too damn long. I need my baby.  Alexis tipped me off so I know she's going back to her penthouse tonight. I got to get over there to her.